


Dedication

by cowboythot



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Dirk is trans, Fluff, Gen, LMAO, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Smut, Trans Male Character, but its my post canon, essentially a remake of Emotion Side A, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:41:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboythot/pseuds/cowboythot
Summary: Years after Earth C was created, the Alpha kids still remain at odds with each other. Dirk Strider stays alone in his bedroom, rising and grinding the rest of his eternity away.It is not until he gets a message from John Egbert, who he has no relationship with, that he is willing to leave his house for a few hours. After all, John does have some weed.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider, Other Canon Relationships Mentioned
Comments: 17
Kudos: 79





	1. The Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to my beta readers who support me <3 feels pretty silly writing this in 2020 but what else are you going to do  
> and thank you all for reading! i really appreciate your feedback and support

It does not take long for Dirk Strider to realize the universe has left its tracks, heading towards an unseeable future that may or may not end with a bang. From the way his internal monologue drones in a distinctly different manner than usual, the way the wind reaches over his shoulders while he stares out towards the horizon, or how the light reflects back to his Fanta orange eyes. As if escaping the outer reaches of the known dimensions, Dirk feels they have gone past the boundaries of a 5th, unknown one. Earth C is beyond the control of the game, far beyond the reaches of canon. Dirk would like to tell himself he understood this, but all he can really do is feel it in his gut. 

Goddamn, the new narrative sounded even more pretentious than he ever was. Dirk would like to believe this meant he was the Green Sun of this new canon, that everything in the world would revolve, revere, and fear him. Before this canon jump, Dirk had not done much to prove himself besides fucking up and creating the very villains everyone was fighting in the first place. Now that’s a fuck up if he’d ever seen one. 

Unfortunately for Dirk, there would be no real chance to reprieve such an absolute wipeout of tomfuckery. He was stuck on Earth C now. 

He continues to stare out the window. Present tense makes its way out the window and is replaced with the more commonly chosen, but not quite as elusive, past tense. Now Dirk could really feel the shift in canon. He was being puppeted by some hackshit author who thought they know how his story should end. Some dipshit tying strings on the ends of his nubby fingers and trying to make him do a little jig all the way to Fucktown. No way. Dirk wasn’t leaving his room until this newly birthed world met its deserved demise just like his old home sweet home. 

Dirk felt a buzz in his pocket. It was the fifth one he had received that morning. Dirk barely took the phone out of his pocket and checked who it was. Green text. Dirk slipped it back without answering. Whatever that limey needed could wait. Or he could ask someone else. Dirk made a tsk noise, wishing he had Hal to deal with that business for just a split second. Dirk was busy. The horizon required a daily 5 hour staring into every day, interspersed between a 3-hour shower and daily workouts. Another buzz. Jesus. Get a clue. 

Dirk only read the last line of the wall of text. 

GT: Dirk, i know you have no reason to answer my messages, but i would *dearly appreciate if you read my apology*. You know I can be a rather daft bloke sometimes but after giving the matter a thought or two, i think i have an idea of what is gutting you.  
GT: Dirk, i am deeply sorry that your emotions were troubled by my boundary setting.  
GT: TO BE FAIR ON MY PART, i am a gormless, gallivanting fellow. You didn’t make your emotions clear enough and i felt snookered when you were insistent on having something else.  
GT: Clearly, our relationship being a load of codswallop was due to both our ends.  
GT: But that doesn’t mean we aren’t still GOOD CHUMS! ***Would you like to join on an adventure with me, ol’ pal?*** 

Dirk closed Pesterchum. He stretched out his arms and legs, then picked up a Katana. He swung it around wildly, reflecting back to being in the game. Actually having a chance to use his sick ass ninja prowess. Maybe he should go with Jake…

Dirk cut the air in half violently, gashing an unhealable wound and spilling its metaphorical guts out. His foot fell and slammed on the floor, both of his hands shaking around the sword’s hilt. He grit his teeth and huffed, then returned to a regular standing position. 

You left yourself wide open to attack, he critiqued himself. Your stance was poor, your stomach was just begging to get punctured, and worst of all, you lost your cool. That’s not how real men fight. That’s how pussies die on the battlefield. 

Dirk steadied his breathing and bounced on the tips of his toes. He went back to swinging in a practiced, elegant manner. Cool shit. He continued to practice, hearing his phone buzz a few times more. Really, who gave a shit about Jake? Certainly not him. No one on this planet had any hold on his heartstrings, no matter how much they wished. Yeah, maybe they’d like to call him his friend. His pal, his chum his whatever. But when it comes down to it, Dirk wasn’t giving handouts to anybody. If anyone wanted his affection they had to earn it. Jake didn’t want it anyway. Equal exchange, just like the alchemists say. 

His fucking phone couldn’t shut up if its life depended on it. He rolled his eyes and picked it up, expecting to see a new landscape of forest green nonsense. Instead, bright blue was breaking him out of his self made jail of unwanting lust. 

GG: Dirk, I was wondering if you were willing to open your schedule up to some old fashioned fun.  
GG: It has been a while…  
GG: I would understand if you were not available, it is fairly short notice.  
GG: I just started rewatching Parks and Recreation and was unaware that this is what Lil’Sebastian is from! You have to understand, time differences and my hectic schedule made it a bit difficult to actually keep up with the show.  
GG: So...would you like to watch some with me? :P 

Dirk shut the conversation. Yeah, he was busy. No break from the grind. Got a date with destiny and destiny said you gotta do your cardio first. Go outside and do a little jig for me, my little puppet man. Yeah, sure. That’s what destiny said. Just get out of the house for fuck’s sake. 

The corner of Dirk’s lip flicked down ever so slightly. He adjusted his glasses. No, that’s not what destiny said. Destiny said five rounds, twenty push-ups, twenty squats, twenty lunges...so on, so on. Just the usual. 

Before Dirk started his destiny date pregame, he checked his phone one more time. He opened the bubblegum pink pesterlog. His thumb remained still, covering the date of their last interaction. 

It would make sense for her to be the first to move on out of all of them. Roxy knew her place, she was smart like that. She knew what not to worry people with and knew when to stay in her own lane. Dirk’s thumb moved down to the keyboard. Uppercase. H. Lowercase. e. y. Period. His thumb wavered over the enter key. He could tell the screen was reflecting up onto his sunglasses, so his eyes were washed over with those pink words. His thumb was trembling, starting to ache while posed over the arrow. 

He let himself exhale and pressed four times on the back key.


	2. Chapter 2

Dirk gently placed his Katana back on its decorative sword holder, expecting Lil’Cal to be there to greet him. But, oh, what a fucking dumbass he was. Of course, Lil’Cal wasn’t there. He was off in a paradox being the narrative fucking villain. Dirk breathed in through his nose, clasping his hands together in a prayer position, then stuck his fingers between his furrowed eyebrows. Seriously, dude, there’s no fucking reason to dwell on that. Get back to the grind, bro. 

Dirk got on the ground and managed to do two push-ups before his phone buzzed again. He decided to just ignore it. Probably Jake. Jane didn’t seem like the type to text again after ending on a question. She had common sense. Dirk bent his elbows so far that his chest was hovering over the ground. He pushed up with all his effort so he jumped off the ground and clapped his hands. That was five. Right? Or was it four? Dirk decided it was four, in the rare chance he actually counted wrong. Five. Six. Seven. Buzz. Eight. Nine. Ten. Buzz. 

Dirk raised an eyebrow and scoffed. He let himself fall to the floor, tapping his fingers in rhythm across the wooden floorboard. Losing count like his ass failed kindergarten. Like it ever had a chance to enroll anyway. Not that Dirk felt a public education necessary. All his lessons came from the school of hard knocks. Run, taught, and populated by this sweet ass itself. 

Dirk glanced back at his humble posterior and decided that this metaphor had burnt out its use. The phone buzzed again. He groaned and finally pulled himself back onto his feet. He’d check it this one time. Then he was shutting off his notifications, or better yet, actually deleting that stupid ass chat client. 

EB: hi dirk! this is john. you know? jane’s grandpa but young?  
EB: i know its uh, pretty silly for this to be our first conversation  
EB: tbh i probably should have mentioned i even know you exist  
EB: anyway! could you help me with something? :B i think my engine is fucked 

Oh. Dirk scratched his head. Yeah. John. He’d caught a glimpse of the guy. Right, right. The blue dude. Dirk remembered he was kinda like Jake. But taller. And maybe a bit bulkier. Even hairier too. Not that Dirk was keeping track of those sorts of things. 

Dirk sighed. Yeah, he could fix some guy’s engine. That wasn’t a big deal. He could just ignore him the whole time if he had to. He readied his thumbs for his response. 

TT: Although genetics generally serve as a helpful guide in recalling memories and likeness, knowing that you were Jane’s Poppop in another timeline is going to tell me fuckall about you.  
TT: Pretty sure Poppop Egbert’s fucking comedy special bits probably have no correspondence to the life events that make up your exact personality.  
TT: Less your life is a can of worms disguised as a can of beans that you try to prank the fucking audience with every goddamn time you get on the world stage.  
EB: hehe, you could say that :P 

Dirk blushed. John had interrupted his rant. He was only a third of the way through, planning an intricate metaphor that would wrap around nicely to finally pose the question Dirk originally intended to ask. But John had cut its head off before it even had a chance to walk its baby steps. It was a fucking warcrime. Dirk breathed out of his grit teeth and regained his composure. He had made the foolish mistake of forgetting John Egbert had practice with the Strider conventions of text communication. Now that he was aware of his mistake, he could mend it. 

TT: Guess I shouldn’t have assumed you weren’t just a carbon copy of the geezer.  
TT: You guys are clones after all.   
EB: yeah! haha  
EB: i don’t really know anything about him though  
EB: like, he’s dead right? just like nanna and jade’s poppop were 

Dirk grumbled. He sat on the ground, his attention entirely on the phone screen. He crossed his legs, feeling the fabric of his jeans wrinkle and stretch. Dirk was thankful he wasn’t wearing that stupid ass prince outfit. The last thing he needed right now was more emasculation. 

TT: Not to break the mood or anything, Egbert, but I wasn’t quite finished talking.  
TT: Pretty fucking rude to interrupt a guy’s monologue on the first date.  
TT: Imagine me and you, face to face at a table, finally getting to know each other. In my reverie, my words start to wander to long-ass paragraphs of practically meaningless dialogue whose only purpose is to characterize my long-winded, ass-backward worldview.  
TT: You’re supposed to just fucking nod along John. Wait patiently for the end instead of being the cuckold between me and my ego.   
EB: well im actually kind of in a hurry right now   
TT: Precisely John. You’re displaying the exact kind of defiance against the natural order of textual conversation flow that had me worried in the first place. You’re missing out on some good shit you can infer from these feasts of words by breaking them up into legible fucking morsels.   
TT: If you keep this shit up, I may just have to get out of dodge and head back over to my own fucking business.  
EB: huh?  
EB: that’s just silly!  
EB: pesterchum doesn’t even show when youre typing -_- how am i supposed to know?   
TT: Use your noggin. Humans in your universe still got that?   
EG: ughh whateverrr. i just need some help with my car, dude. its like kind of ironic. even though youve never actually seen a car you probably know the most about them.   
TT: Automobiles aren’t exactly my specialty but they fall under a wide range of machinery I’m adept in repairing.   
EB: you love irony don’t you?   
EB: HEY! you interrupted me that time! 

Dirk couldn’t help but smirk to himself.

TT: Yeah? Didn’t think you cared like I did. Thought we made that clear.   
EB: ughhhh. youre so much more annoying than dave. imagine me rolling my eyes right now because thats what im doing   
TT: I’ll assume Dave was the one who got you talking to me in the first place.   
TT: Cool guy, should have mentioned I don’t do house calls though.  
EB: yeah, dave’s the first one who mentioned you  
EB: everyone else said you wouldn’t answer though lol 

A knot tightened in Dirk’s throat. He glanced away from the screen, back out the window towards the azure horizon. A gust of wind came through and knocked a bunch of shit off his shelves. He probably should have closed that window. 

TT: That’s a safe assumption to have.   
EB: but that doesn’t matter, because you did answer!  
EB: so if my deduction is correct, that means you actually do give a shit about helping me, or else you wouldn’t have answered at all   
TT: Now that’s a bit of an over assumption. Just means I gave a shit about hearing what you had to say, not that I’d actually help you in the end. Big difference.   
EB: so you dooo care what i have to say? :3c  
EB: do you like that emoticon? jade taught it to me. dave mentioned you have a weird thing going on with like furry stuff   
TT: Any relation I have to ‘furry stuff’ is not going to be something you’ll be interested in John. Navigating those recesses of my mind isn’t exactly a walk in the dog park. From my general impression of you, I don’t think you’d be a fan of that sort of thing. So let’s keep the lid on Pandora's box for now.  
EB: well i didn’t think you were like, a dog furry  
EB: that’s jade’s thing   
TT: Did you read my last message, John? I just said we should stray away from this topic if you want to keep any hope of sanity.   
EB: horses? ive heard one or two things about you liking horses. dave and roxy were giggling about the pony play id see if i walked into your place but i dont really know what that means  
EB: i didnt know there was a term for ponies playing. that sounds pretty cute actually so i dont know what they were going on about 

Dirk clenched his jaw. Rose tint was spreading through his cheeks, not unlike the sky when the sun just begins to set. He glanced towards his computer screen, giving him a chance to look over every one of his wallpapers. 

TT: It’s ironic. 

Without thinking, Dirk started typing in some questionable terms into his search bar. He hesitated a bit. He would do this with any guy he knew, Dirk told himself. He decided to ignore that the only frame of reference he had for male to male conversation was texting his ex and talking to his son-brother. He copied the link and sent it without letting himself think farther. 

TT: While it’s pretty endearing that you have the mind of a suburban toddler, your vanilla views on life had an expiration date. Someone was going to shatter them some day, so I’ll make myself the harbinger.  
TT: Feast your eyes.  
TT: Makes you realize how much of an ironic statement it is for me to have that flashing across my desktop every 30 seconds or so in a continual loop of other questionable images.  
TT: Pretty fucking ironic if I must say. 

After 2 minutes or so, Dirk realized John wasn’t responding. Did he...actually click on the link? John couldn’t have seen that without thinking it was a link to a virus, could he? Fuck, wait. This guy was related to Jake. 

TT: I don’t think you’re nearly as daft as your british grandfather, but don’t click on that link. That’s the Pandora’s box I mentioned. Clicking on it can lead to a whole new host of problems. The main one being a Trojan virus ransacking your computer. I don’t want to have to work IT for that shit along with fixing your fucking car so make my life easier and ignore what I sent.   
EB: well jeez dirk you’re the one making such a big deal of it  
EB: now i HAVE to click it! 

Dirk sighed. A wave of what he assumed to be second hand (and for sure not first hand) embarrassment washed over him. 

TT: That logic is going to get you hit by a train some day. 

Dirk put his phone in his pocket and headed over to the bathroom. He flicked the light switch on. When the light flickered down to his damp bathroom floor, he thought maybe he should move one or two of the puppets populating the space. Rent is due, bitches. Dirk held his hand out towards a ventriloquist puppet and gestured for him to pay up. When the puppet made no gesture back, Dirk tsked and shook his head. He shrugged and lifted one of the puppet’s hands so he could give it a fistbump with the other. 

There was a buzz in his pocket. Fuck. Dirk caught his reflection in the mirror, seeing himself doing that goofy shit with the puppet. He stumbled towards the sink, curling his fingers over the sides. Although he was still wearing his signature shades, he found it difficult to make eye contact with himself. He instead focused on his eyebrows and hair. Strands of his strong brow were starting to feather. Dirk licked his finger and started shaping it. 

What the fuck was he doing? 

His finger fell down, his knuckle caressing across his jawline. The corner of his lip twitched. He certainly felt his jawline was stronger than it had ever been before. While his mind was on it, he noticed how defined his biceps were. He dug his fingers in his flexed arms, really wanting to feel the difference. He was sure even his normally flat stomach was starting to turn into a 6 pack. Thank god Earth C Testosterone was on some next level shit. Now all he needed was someone to appreciate these gains. Needed some hands big enough to wrap their way around Dirk’s arms. 

For a split second, Dirk let his mind run wild. Within that time span, he was able to conjure a handsome stranger, a head taller than him, standing right behind him. He would lean over, leaning deep into Dirk’s back. He’d rest his head on Dirk’s shoulder and whisper something. It didn’t really matter what the stranger looked like. As long as he was taller, bulkier, maybe a bit hairy. His square glasses would poke into Dirk’s cheek if he wasn’t careful. His hand would rub across every incline of Dirk’s muscle and he’d make some comment or another about it. Wow, you’re looking good Dirk. Dirk wouldn’t say anything back, obviously, because he already knew how good he looked. 

“You’ve got me feeling absolutely randy,” Dirk could hear Jake’s voice say. 

Another buzz on his phone. Dirk nearly jumped out of his skin and fumbled to look at his screen. 

EB: did you just send me porn???!!   
TT: Yeah.   
EB: well. hm. i thought it was going to be a prank like maybe it really was just a picture of some ponies and you were just prepping me for nothing but...maybe the prank was that there was no prank   
TT: Does sound pretty epic when you put it like that.   
EB: yeah youre right! it sure does! now can you wash that picture out of my mind before i go fucking bonkers?   
TT: You’d need a deepclean for that, and I’m all out of soap. Just let that image haunt you for the rest of your life, John, it’s not a big deal. Like a ghost who won’t get the fuck out of your attic, or an itch you just can’t quite reach on your back. You’ll just have to live with it every waking hour and every time you see me you’ll think of pony play, doing irreparable damage on our relationship before we even formally meet.   
EB: idk i feel like that would have happened anyway. not to like be mean but from what ive heard about you its obvious youre weird like that  
EB: so if anything, this is just your sick way of opening up by letting me in on all your weird bullshit  
EB: i think thats what rose would say anyway   
TT: Don’t we all wish it were that simple to understand me.   
EB: eh, im pretty sure it is 


	3. Chapter 3

Dirk was too busy stuffing things in his pockets to immediately respond to each text John was sending him. His fists were clenched, his mind formulating the rant he would send John. He ran back to look at the mirror one last time, licking his finger and adjusting his eyebrow again. He took some gel and fixed a few strands of hair. Dirk needed his anime hair to be at perfectly well defined angles. He finally went out the door. He wore his regular outfit, deciding maybe today wasn’t the day to let John in on his usual fashion habits. 

TT: Where’s your house?   
EB: huh? wait, you are coming? i was just going to call it a day and get one of those funny bug guys to try and fix it   
TT: I’m already out the door, dude. You already said all that shit to me so I hope you’re prepared to meet me face to face. It will probably be a lot for you to handle. All that Dirk Strider at once.   
EB sent their location  
EB: ive been ready to see your stupid anime face since we started this conversation, dummy. I need my car to work!! get over here!!   
TT: If you wanted to see me that bad you could’ve just dialed my hotline.  
TT: To be clear, I’m calling myself a whore. Wasn’t sure if your literary comprehension was high enough to get that.   
EB: yeah, i got that one dirk   
TT: Good to know you’ll be able to get some of my jokes.   
EB: stop texting me and just get over here!! 

Dirk paused on the staircase leading down to the bottom floor. A sudden fluttering traveled from his stomach up towards his heart. He hoped that was just heartburn. His phone nearly slipped out of his sweaty palms. Dirk knew he normally didn’t even break a sweat from running down all the stairs in the building, so this was out of the ordinary. 

Dirk quelled his suddenly rising heartbeat by reminding himself that John was probably not his type. And straight. He was straight. Dirk scoffed to himself. He didn’t even remember what John looked like. Fucker probably looked worse than Jake. John didn’t seem like the kind to workout, so he wouldn’t even have the little muscle Jake had. From what Dirk knew about Jane’s Dad, John probably had no facial hair, body hair or anything. Dirk didn’t have to worry. If anything, Dirk’s ripped body would probably tempt John to rebuke heterosexuality and plead to suck Dirk’s dick. And Dirk would be able to reject him, satisfied with the pleasure of making a guy beg for his nonexistent cock. 

Dirk felt his stomach fall and he barely caught himself before tripping head first down the stairs. He sighed in relief and decided to pay attention to where he was walking. 

EB: funnymeme1.jpg  
TT: What the hell did you just send me?  
EB: a meme? I thought you knew what those were  
TT: This is from before the fucking Earth got destroyed, dude. I’m pretty sure this meme was old before you even started the game.  
EB: yeah i have them saved from then  
EB: oh i heard you like this one!  
EB: funnycatmeme2.jpg  
EB: i dont really get it though. hes just long? thats the joke?  
TT: Yeah. Longcat is long.  
TT: Do you remember longcat, John?  
TT: I remember longcat.  
EB: yeah i just sent him to you  
TT: I feel it is very important for you to have a complete picture of my opinions on meme culture and the written word’s effect on the creation of modern memes. The meme you sent before longcat? Absolute shit. It is an understatement to call Longcat a masterpiece. Longcat is a fundamental truth equal to the laws of physics which govern our universe. Longcat is long. A simple fact. Just as fire is hot, water is wet, gravity pulls, friction resists. There is no arguing.  
TT: But the meme you showed me before this. A motherfucking business cat meme. That cat has no fucking degree John, yet its letting me in on its deepest mental processes. It is divulging me information far beyond my needs as a consumer of humorous images.  
EB: sendtodavewhenhewontshutup.jpg  
TT: Your meme comes from what I refer to as the post-I-Can-Has movement. That gluttonous, gray cat is the origin of-  
TT: Goddammit.  
EB: lol.gif 

Dirk was strolling down the street, his hands in his pockets and shoulders hunched, paving his way towards John’s house. Carapaces brushed past him, but it was fine. None of them were so audacious as to make eye contact with him. Being able to tower over them even gave Dirk a surge of confidence. He made his way out of the bustling city, entering the verdant outskirts. Dirk squinted his eyes, seeing a blocky house out in the distance. Although it was clearly one of those factory produced suburban houses, there wasn’t a single house to be seen within miles of it. He checked his GPS. Yeah. That’s where John said he lived. Guess the privilege of being a literal god was getting thousands of miles of private property. Goddamn. Dirk didn’t know John was investing in real estate but here he was. 

EB: oh hey i see you! hi! im waving, see?  
TT: John, I pride myself in having the eyes of an eagle, but I cannot see your fucking speck of being waving in the distance.  
EB: hehe, really? but im right there! im waving to you right now  
TT: No, you are not.  
TT: This is a prank isn’t it.  
EB: :0 wow dirk i cant believe youd say that. im just trying to wave to you  
TT: Don’t doubt me. I’ve been trained for pranks ever since my first conversation with Jane Crocker. She kept me on my fucking toes for fucking years. I couldn’t click a single link from her without bracing myself for impact. You could never dream of matching her hijink proficiency.  
EB: hehe, dont worry. id never doubt either of your abilities  
EB: can you not see me cause youre still wearing your shades? theyre so pointy lol youre gonna poke somebody’s eye out  
TT: Yeah, yeah. Everyone says that. Hasn’t happened.  
EB: yet :P  
TT: Seriously, where are you? I’m almost at your car.  
EB: oh, im just around the corner. wait for me there 

Dirk looked back up. He grumbled, crossed his arms and rolled his shoulders back. His lips were tightly sealed and he was mentally rehearsing his first lines for John. So you’re John? I can see the family resemblance. He hummed methodically. Maybe he should add a line in there about his lame ancient memes or his dorky fucking texts. He nodded to himself, believing he had plenty of time to think this through. 

Dirk heard a crunch noise behind him. He glanced back, his hand going towards where the hilt of his sword would normally be. Shit. He knew he forgot something. Suddenly he felt something clasp around his waist. He jumped and instinctively backhanded whatever had attacked him. 

Someone erupted into a rapture of giggles. Dirk looked behind his shoulder. His glasses poked into someone and his face flushed. Shit. Fuck. Dirk’s hand was still right next to this dude’s pecs. Did Dirk slap him in the tit on accident? Dirk stepped away from him to see who it was. 

The prankster was bent over, holding onto his gut with both of his hands as he continued to cackle. His stupid mouth was hung open while he laughed, so Dirk had a clear view of his buck teeth. Hm. Just like...Dirk realized who it had to be. He wore khaki cargo shorts, square glasses and a long sleeve shirt. When he stood up, Dirk could see his shirt had Slimer on it. 

Dirk’s eyes naturally drifted down. He made sure they went far past John’s belt buckle, all the way down to his legs. Between John’s white crew socks and shorts were the hairiest legs Dirk had ever seen. And God. They were huge. Dirk looked back to his own legs. About half the size, entirely made of muscle and balder than a mole rat. Dirk grit his teeth. He glanced back to John and then himself. A small thought crept into his mind: Dirk had women’s legs. He looked back up, trying to focus on anything else. He could feel his lips go from a line to a squiggle. 

“I-uh. John. That’s you,” Dirk mumbled as if it were a revelation. 

John smiled, placing his hands on his hips. “Sure is! I got you good didn’t I?” He chuckled again, not looking dissimilar from Old Saint Nick. He wiped away a tear underneath his glasses, making Dirk pay attention to how red John’s under eyes were. John’s chubby cheeks were flushed from laughing so much. They kind of reminded Dirk of Jane. Actually, most of John’s uh, bulkiness and demeanor reminded him of Jane. Dirk noticed stray facial hair on John’s jaw and chin. Even his knuckles had coarse hair. This was the most masculine man Dirk had the pleasure of seeing. And he had just pranked him in the stupidest way possible. 

Dirk put a hand right where John had touched him. He felt like he could still feel the warmth and softness of John’s hand there...Dirk kept his hand on his waist and gestured with his other hand. “Wasn’t that funny. All you did was sneak up on me. Pretty weak prank to start out with, I must say. Was expecting some higher level shenanigans from you.” 

John snorted. “Well yeah! I thought you were supposed to be a ninja. All it took was some weird windy teleportation powers to throw you off? C’mon dude. You have to step up your game.” He grinned and put a hand on Dirk’s shoulder. Dirk could already feel the trail of sweat bead down his neck. 

Dirk mouth was agape, but no words were coming out of it. He made a couple croaking noises in an absolutely depressing attempt at words. 

John squeezed Dirk’s shoulder comfortingly. “Huh? Something wrong?” he asked, blinking twice. “Sorry, I should probably tell you I’m a bit fucked up right now.” 

John’s fist wasn’t the only thing clenching. Dirk shuffled so his legs were closer together and closed his mouth. “You’re right, I’m off my game. You’ve got no authority to judge though, it looks like you were never on it. I’m starting to see the family resemblance.” 

John paused, then raised one of his eyebrows. He couldn’t help but smirk. “Did you just call me and Jane fat?” 

Dirk shifted his eyes and let out a small sigh. “Yeah. I did say that.” 

John took out his phone, grinning wildly. Bright blue text was being reflected into his glasses. Dirk swiped at the phone, already seeing where this was going. John stepped out of the way and raised his phone higher than Dirk could reach, typing out the callout with his thumb. 

“Jesus, dude,” said Dirk, still attempting to pull John’s arm down. Obviously, he knew if the situation worsened, he could take John down and pry the phone out of his hands, but Dirk thought maybe that was taking things a bit too far. Besides, that would involve touching John even more, and that would just be uncomfortable. “I haven’t talked to her in a while, she’s going to think I hate her.” 

“She wouldn’t think that. She might think you hate me, though.” John stuck his tongue out at him and hit send. Dirk lowered his hands, deciding to accept the situation and just deal with the consequences. 

“Just tell me where the problem is. You’re lucky I was able to fit you into my tight schedule, so appreciate it. I was especially busy today.” 

“Were you?” John wrapped his index finger around his chin pensively. “Well, I’m honored that you cared enough to fit me into your super busy schedule. Especially if Jane couldn’t even make it in.” Ouch. 

Dirk stiffly walked towards the car. He put his hand on the hood, ready to lift it and see what was wrong. “Can you open it so I can check what the hell’s wrong with your car?” Dirk paused, noticing the lilt and drawl of his voice in what he just said. His accent wasn’t usually that noticeable ever since he stopped practicing it. Except for the rare occasions where Dave and him had some banter, in which Dirk would leave with even more of an accent than he had before. From the corner of his eye, Dirk could tell John was looking at him fondly. 

“Oh, that’s not where the problem is, pardner,” John teased. “It’s right there.” John pointed inside the car. Dirk had to do a double take, because John seemed to be pointing at the steering wheel. Dirk sat in the driver’s seat, giving him a front row seat to the fucking disaster that was the remains of the steering wheel. 

“How in the Devil’s shithole did you do this to your steering wheel? You broke it from the inside? ” It was as if a Xenomorph had burst through the horn in an attempt to lunge for John’s throat. 

John leaned over the car door. His only answer was a chuckle. “Yeah...Jane warned me not to use my windy powers when I was high. She said I’d fool around and mess something up like I always do.” He snorted. “I can’t believe she puts up with me sometimes.”

Dirk rested one of his legs on the center console. He checked the spots to unscrew the steering wheel, then leaned back, his hand dangling off the seat. Sounded like this dude might have serious problems. Dirk wasn’t exactly sure why his friends had tricked him into being the white knight for this guy, but it wasn’t the worst free lance work he could get. “Looks like you’re going to have to replace this.” 

“Yeah, I know. I already ordered a new steering wheel. Should get here by Monday.” John smiled and gestured towards his house. “You wanna come inside? I got like a, a whole fucking mason jar of weed yesterday.” He chuckled. “Crazy, having to buy drugs on Earth C. I mean, the really bad ones don’t even exist so I’m pretty sure they’re all legal? Which one of us wrote the laws again? I don’t even know why the bug guys deal weed, if you can just buy it.” John held his chin and scratched his stubble. “I still buy it from them though cause the park’s right there.” 

Dirk squinted up at him. “If you knew all you needed to do was replace the steering wheel then why am I here?” 

John shrugged. “I need someone to fix it when it does get here.” Dirk stared at him blankly. “Come on, let’s go inside.” 

Dirk leaned his elbow on his leg, leaning forward towards John. “You said you had somewhere to be.” 

“Did I?” John scratched his head. “Well, whatever it was probably got cancelled. I wasn’t even sure if you were still coming.” John went around the car door and placed his hand on Dirk’s back, gently urging him out of the car seat. After a few more nudges, Dirk obliged. 

Dirk followed John to his house, noting the lack of any decor on the house. Or any color either. It had completely blank white walls. They must have really rushed this house model into production. It had an odd open area on the second floor. From where he was, Dirk could see it had a telescope pointed at the sun and a faded, torn birthday banner. 

John creaked the door open, leading Dirk into the home. Odd. The door was on the furthest right of the house. Although Dirk’s home was not exactly a condo, he had seen enough television to know this was not what an average suburban house looked like. He hoped the fucking architect lost their license. This thing was just screaming to collapse. Dirk then remembered that all the people on John’s Earth had died a long time ago, and felt a bit better about it. No fucking carapace would be able to get away with this bullshit excuse for a building plan. Not on Dirk’s watch. 

Walking into the home did not change Dirk’s opinion. He saw John walk straight towards a worn sofa surrounded by beer bottles and food packages. Above the sofa and next to the stairwell were several framed, disturbing clown images. There was no fucking railing for the stairs. Jesus. Then there was an entrance to a hallway, a swinging door to a kitchen, and a fireplace. None of the layout made any sense and it was starting to maul away at Dirk’s brain matter. 

John collapsed and sank into the sofa, then turned towards the lamp table next to him. Sitting on top of it was a glass pipe. For weed, Dirk assessed. That explained why the room was stuffed with the stench of smoldering leaves that made him scrunch his nose, yet made his lungs crave the stagnant air. He saw John reach for a tin container. One of those kinds that a grandma would use to store sewing supplies. He opened it and took out his stash, packing the pipe without even acknowledging Dirks’ presence. John lit the pipe. Since most of the curtains were drawn, the warm glow of the ignited leaves was the only light source in the room. Dirk heard the whistling of air from John breathing in the smoke and stepped forward onto an awful diamond carpet just as John breathed it out. The smoke encircled Dirk, hugging him with its warmth. With the smoke came its odor, but this time it was seductive. Dirk breathed deeply through his nose. Now the warmth could enter his lungs, thawing his cold insides. It gave him a gentle feeling, momentarily stopping his train of thought. Dirk knew it was only a taste, a mere lick of whipped cream on top of the sundae, of what Mary Jane had to offer. Even if Dirk was generally what one would call a homosexual, he had no qualms making MJ his bitch. Or the other way around. 

Dirk walked up to John and held his hand out. John raised an eyebrow. He took another hit before realizing what Dirk meant. 

“You smoked before?” asked John. 

“Does it matter? I can figure it out.” 

John smiled, still looking dubious. “I can help you if you want. It’s kind of hard the first time.” He thought it over. “Maybe you’re like a natural at it though. You showed Dave how to smoke back in the other universe.” 

“Did I.” 

“Yeah, I think you did. I mean, Dave used to say he was toking it up 24/7 back then. Kind of funny cause he never comes over to smoke. He always chickens out. He says Earth C weed tastes too weird.” John furrowed his brow. “Maybe he was lying.” Dirk continued to stand there with his hand out. John giggled and handed him the pipe and the lighter. “Fine, I want to see you try.” 

Dirk held the pipe up to his mouth. He continually glanced back to John, trying to tell from his expression if he was doing this correctly. Dirk rolled his thumb over the lighter a couple times, having trouble getting it to stay lit. He could hear John muffle a laugh. When he managed to get the lighter ignited, John mumbled, “Oh, uh, you gotta-” He reached out towards the pipe to put his hand under Dirk’s, cradling it gently, and making butterflies fly up Dirk’s spine. Dirk let go of the lighter, and it clattered on to the ground. John chuckled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You just have to hold the pipe a specific way.” John adjusted Dirk’s grip so that his thumb was in the right spot. “You gotta hold that part down until you’re ready to breathe the smoke in.” John picked up the lighter. “Here, I can help light it for you.” 

“I can do it myself.” Dirk reached for the lighter, but John pulled it away from his grasp. 

“You don’t have to pretend to be cool for me,” John said, sticking his tongue out. “I know everyone in your family is like that. Except Roxy. She just is cool.” He laughed to himself, turning on the lighter and about to light the pipe again. 

There was a momentary pause before Dirk’s impulse set in. 

“You into her?” Dirk could not really defend the intrusive question. It slipped out of his lips before it could make due process. He just had to take the L and admit sometimes he said stupid motherfucking shit. Unfortunately, there was even emotional weight to the question. He did not make it apparent when asking, since his voice was as monotone as always, but the way his fingers curled was a dead giveaway. “She’s married to the alien girl, I think. She never really said.” 

John nodded. “Oh, yeah. Calliope is cool.” John snorted. “Seems like every one of our friends is getting married to an alien these days. But it’s not like there are that many options anyway.” Dirk couldn’t tell if John was staring in his direction intentionally or absentmindedly. Dirk looked to the side, turning his head just enough so John could tell he wasn’t looking at him. John tilted his head, his eyes wandering over to wherever Dirk was looking. “I did think she was cute. I felt like I had to impress her.” A slight blush overtook John’s cheeks. Dirk’s throat was tight. 

“I get that,” Dirk managed to say. 

“Hehe, yeah.” John rolled his eyes to the other direction. He rubbed the back of his neck. “But she’s taken, so I don’t really have any options.” 

“Guess we’re in the same boat then. Good thing we already caught wind of the iceberg right in front of us. Too bad neither of us are the captain of the damn ship, or maybe we’d actually manage not to sink the motherfucking Titanic this time.” 

John giggled, “I like your little Dave-ism’s.” 

“Dave-isms?” 

“Well, you know. When you just start saying things to be funny. Dave-ism. Dave-aphor. Dave-nalogy. Guess it’s more of a Strider-ism if you do it this much too.” Another pause. Dirk’s jaw was clenched, unable to pry any words out. John ignited the lighter again. “You still want some right? Or else you should give it back to me, I only got two hits.” 

Dirk slowly nodded. John gestured for him to get closer as Dirk held the pipe up to his lips. Lol. He remembered John’s lips were up to this thing only a few minutes ago. An indirect kiss. Fuck. His gut twisted thinking about it too hard, knowing John was right there. He stiffened, not paying attention to when John lit up the bowl again. Dirk’s timing was just slightly off. Both when he decided to move his thumb and breathe in. He spluttered, tasting the rough, bitter specks of weed on his tongue. The smoke of his exhaling breath was no bigger than a warm breath on a cold day. He continued to cough, trying to get the charred taste out. 

John was laughing under his breath, attempting to pull his smile down into a neutral expression. It didn’t take long for him to let out a hearty chortle though. “Aw, dude that sucks. Sorry. You want to try again or wait? You should probably get some water.” 

Dirk coughed a couple more times. He put a hand on his waist and made his coughs smaller, but he knew John could still see his chest heave. “I’m fine. Let’s try again.” Dirk got ready again and John was about ready to light the pipe. Both of them could see Dirk’s hand trembling. Once again, John was forced to cradle Dirk’s hand in his own. Dirk jerked away. 

“Maybe you should hold it,” said Dirk, finally giving up. 

John looked up at him. “You sure?” 

“Yeah...I’m sure.” Dirk was pained to have to do this, but if he had to choose whether to be touched by a stranger or be humiliated, he knew the right choice. 

John pat the spot next to him. Dirk sat a little aways from him on the other half of the sofa. John shimmied over and leaned into him slightly. Their legs and shoulders were touching. A bead of sweat travelled down Dirk’s forehead as he realized this was an even worse idea. John held the pipe in front of Dirk’s mouth. “You ready?” he asked gently. His voice tickled the hairs on the back of Dirk’s neck. Dirk shivered and breathed in deeply before nodding. The corner of John’s lip raised and he held the pipe in place. “Just signal when you want to breathe in.” Dirk nodded silently, putting his lips up to the pipe again. He felt like he was getting fucking bottlefed by a guy he just met. It didn’t help how soothing his voice was when he egged him on. Dude was trying to humiliate him through fatherly domming and normally Dirk wouldn’t take that, but...his chance to no longer be sober was right there. 

This time Dirk paid attention and signaled near the right time. Still got some flecks in his mouth, but he was able to get a good amount of smoke in. He coughed slightly, feeling the warmth envelope his lungs. Only seconds later, he felt a slight buzz through his body as his mind began to slow down. His thought processes that were normally at 2x speed were now at .5. Dirk didn’t even notice John bring the pipe back to himself, since everything felt just...slightly hazy. But a good hazy. Dirk felt all the tension in his body release, especially in his stiff shoulders. He was with a nice warm feeling in his gut, and he was not entirely sure if it was from the weed or his proximity to John. But at least he didn’t mind that he was nudging into John as much. 

“You want some more?” asked John. 

About a minute passed by before Dirk responded, “Yeah, that’s some good shit.” 

A couple of hours later, the two were perfectly content basking in leftover smoke. They had used up nearly half of John’s supply. Most of that was John’s doing. Dirk was leaning back on John, his feet raised up on the armrest of the sofa. He fumbled to open the bag of Doritos resting on his stomach. Dirk was looking intently at the space on the second floor of the house, paying special attention to the odd clown paintings. Really did not feel like this guy’s style. Dirk took a swig of the flat pepsi John had offered him. He blinked, his mind wandering off to other places. Why was he there again? It took too long for his mind to find the answer, so he just paid attention to the living cushion behind him. He could hear the rhythmic clicks of John’s typing. Dirk twisted slightly, hoping to get a glimpse of who John was talking to. 

“Sorry, I don’t really have any snacks right now,” mumbled John. Dirk could see red text reflecting off John’s glasses. John switched to another conversation. Purple text. John frowned and quickly returned to the other text conversation. 

“It’s whatever. Maybe you could make something next time. You bake, right? Like Jane?”  
John gave him a surprisingly solemn look. “No.” 

“Oh.” Dirk shuffled back to facing the wall, his arms crossed tight against him. He sighed, counting the number of clowns he had seen in this house. 1...He blinked. 2...Dirk grabbed a handful of chips and poured them all in his mouth. Ugh. He had gotten to the point in the bag where all that were left were crumbs. He choked on some of the Dorito dust and went to drink more Pepsi. He paused since only a couple of drops hit his tongue. He checked the bottle. Empty. Dirk faced forward on the couch again and jumped to his feet. 

“Where you headed?” asked John. 

“Just gonna look for more soda.” He shook the bottle by the cap so John could see it was empty. 

“Oh, I can get something for you,” said John, already starting to get up, all the crumbs on his shirt falling to the ground. 

Dirk gestured for him to sit back down. “Even if you’ve got Hell’s Kitchen in there, I won’t be fazed. I know what to expect from this house. I’ll find my way.” Dirk hesitated slightly when he felt John’s hand brush against his wrist, but continued on anyway. 

Dirk stepped through the saloon doors. He lifted his sunglasses up for a second. Sunlight was filtering through the top of the door to the outside, so he could actually see with his shades on. The sink was full. Dirk accidentally kicked over one of the hundred bottles in the room. Stacked on the counters were half stirred bowls of batter. Dirk walked past them, able to smell the mix of spoiled milk and rotten egg from where he was. He went over to the fridge. Was not exactly a clown’s prison in there, but was pretty close. He checked the expiration dates. Maybe not too old. He checked the year. Okay. Maybe shouldn’t be eating anything from Year 1. 

Dirk’s eyes flicked down. A pie. Not the mathematical constant kind, but a good old fashioned baked pie. Normally Dirk could write an essay in his head on why pi was the most overrated mathematical constant and anyone who wore Pi pun related merchandise was a math poser, while also jabbing at the idea of being arrogant over knowing shit about numbers, but he just wasn’t in the mood. He took out the pie. It was covered in whipped cream. 

If Dirk were to relay to anyone the following events, he would start with a disclaimer that none of his actions reflect his current character and that he was hindered by being completely fucked up on weed. Dirk was not aware that he could entirely be high by placebo. He stuck his fingers in the pie without thinking. A primitive curiosity had crept into his mind to discover the flavor of this pie. The answer was...whipped cream. He heard something click and the pie sprung into his face. He had triggered the spring in the trick pie. 

The doors swung open behind him. “Did you find any…” A gasp. Dirk spun around, seeing John was covering his mouth to stop himself from laughing. “Oh my god!” John couldn’t hold back his cackling, pointing at Dirk like a schoolyard bully. Dirk kept on frowning slightly, his face and glasses plastered with whipped cream. It was starting to drop onto his shirt. Dirk was going to slit his own throat. 

“You really think this is funny? This is low.” 

John continued to laugh. He took his phone out to take a picture of Dirk. “Let’s take a selfie together, this is so good. Jeez, I can’t believe you fell for that. That’s like, page one of Colonel Sassacre’s Prank book.” John walked over and hugged Dirk with one arm so he could fit in the picture. Dirk stiffened. John took the picture and continued to giggle. Dirk got a split second to see it before John sent it to each of their friends. You could barely make them out in the darkness. John’s eyes were clearly red and he was smiling wide. Dirk was a panicked animal covered in whipped cream. The whole photo was slightly blurry. Perfect. 

“Jane says to check your messages by the way,” said John. 

Dirk swallowed his spit. He glanced at his phone. The sight of bright blue made sweat travel down his neck. He was brought back to reality by the feeling of John dapping a napkin at his face. He giggled and snorted when Dirk tried to swat his hand away and finally took the napkin from him. “You’re going to die of laughter at this rate,” grumbled Dirk. He took off his glasses. He furrowed his brows. He decided not to wipe off his glasses with the rough, dirty napkin in his hand and opted to smear his shirt with whipped cream instead. Such a good idea Dirk. You’re not going to regret that later. 

Dirk’s eyes flicked up for only a second. He jumped back, realizing John was staring at him. “What are you-” 

“Woah, you do have orange eyes. Hell yeah. So, tell me. Those aren’t like, contacts right? You guys are just born with those kinda eyes? Cause I could believe Dave wearing contacts behind sunglasses. It’s the kind of ironic thing he’d do. I can also see Rose putting in purple ones to seem cool and Roxy wearing pink ones for fun. But I don’t think you can find orange eye contacts in the ocean! So you were just born with those?” About half of John’s words were more than incomprehensible mumbles. 

“John, I can’t believe you would be so ignorant as to question the authenticity of my eye color. Check your privilege, Egbert. Just because you happen to have a majority eye color doesn’t mean orange eyed freaks like me don’t exist.” Dirk continued to breathe warm air and wipe away at his glasses. 

“Can I try them on? Your Squirtle glasses?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You know...your funny glasses. From the animes. Squirtle wore them.”

“That’s not where these glasses come from.” 

“So are they not from one of your animes? I don’t really believe that, Dirk. They look pretty anime to me. I don’t think you’re an Ace fan. From the Gangreen gang?” 

“Are you talking about fucking Powerpuff Girls right now?” 

“Yeah. You’ve seen it, right?” 

“I’ve seen everything, John.” 

John snorted and raised his hands. “Okay, okay. Way to brag. Jeez. I just asked if you watched a cartoon.” 

Dirk grit his teeth. He went over to the sink and splashed his face with water. He accidentally got some drips on the collar of his shirt. If he wasn’t high, he would have cut his own head off by now. 

“Please? They look cool, I want to wear them.” 

Dirk held the glasses out for John to grab. John picked them up gently and took off his own glasses. John put the glasses on. “Woah. You really are blind.” John chuckled to himself. Dirk did not react. “Oh, right, you didn’t like, go to school or anything. When you wear other people’s glasses you’re supposed to say that. I was being ironic. Because…” He interrupted himself with a chuckle, “because you don’t wear prescription, so you’re not actually blind. You should wear my glasses and say it. C’mon, try it.” He tapped Dirk’s hand to encourage him. 

Dirk tentatively raised the glasses up to his eyes. John nodded and smiled as Dirk let the glasses fall on his nose. From John’s perspective, Dirk’s tangerine eyes were magnified just enough so he looked like a complete dweeb. Or even more of a dweeb. Dirk’s sight was marbled by the prescription glass and sent a striking pain to his frontal lobe. He took the glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jesus, you really are blind.” 

John laughed and took the glasses back. “See! You’re getting it now. Man, if Terezi were here then we could really round off the joke!” He took out his phone and started typing. Dirk could see he was explaining the joke to someone whose last message was from a year ago. 

“Have you seen any anime, John?” Dirk brought the topic back up. 

John ignored the question and got close to Dirk again to take another selfie while wearing Dirk’s glasses. Dirk tried to swipe the glasses away, resulting in several incoherent, blurry pictures. “Uhh…” John trailed off and went to the fridge. “Fuck. There’s only pranks left in here. Man, I would have gotten myself good with this one.” John took out the spoiled milk and threw it at the trash can. And missed. Because the trash can was under the sink. 

John walked back out the room, followed closely behind by Dirk. John was suddenly startled by something and stumbled backwards into Dirk like a horse. John put a hand on Dirk’s shoulder and sighed a breath of relief. “Phew. It’s just the same clown.” 

“Do you not like the clowns?” Dirk sounded slightly offended. A small part of him had hoped for an overlap in their Venn Diagram of interests. Clowns. Harlequins. Marionettes. Puppets. Not even 5 lines of linear logic away from each other. If this was just a genuinely nice guy with normal interests, Dirk might have had to consider his next line of action. Dirk’s ironic interests might just not vibe well with him. Being explained an overwhelming amount of information on the history of puppetry and its effects on the entertainment industry was not for the wimps of the world who could not see the irony of it all. 

“Uhh.” John smiled. He walked further into the room. “Not necessarily, but they’re not that bad.” He whimpered, startled by the clown lamp next to the sofa. “...if you don’t think about it too hard.” 

“Then why do you keep them? You don’t seem to be the type to surround yourself in ironic interests.” John shrugged and Dirk decided to accept the answer. 

Dirk sat as far left on the sofa as he could. John must have not understood the concept of personal space, because he sat right next to him. They were close enough that their thighs were touching. Dirk was only able to endure it by considering it a challenge. If the dude was going to be all touchy-feely, Dirk was going to see how long he could handle it without being a fairy about it. He was sure John was touching him the same amount he would touch any guy. Oh. John’s arm had slid behind Dirk’s neck and was resting on his shoulders. Not a problem. Dirk steadied his breathing, displaying just how relaxed he was by getting comfortable. 

“God, sorry. Weed gives me the snuggle bugs sometimes. Usually there isn’t anyone here, so...do you care?” 

“No.” Dirk was playing by Plato’s definition of truth with that one. 

John hummed happily and snuggled even more into him. Dirk held onto his breath. 

“John, you never answered if you liked anime.” 

“Oh.” John blushed. “Sorry, but I’m not a big fan.” 

“Good to know. Neither am I.” 

John snorted. “Good one.” 

“I’m serious. It’s just another one of my acclimated interests from scouring the archived internet. Anime sucks, John. It’s absolutely fucking awful. I will never be able to wash out the fucking perverted excuses for television from my memory. There are some exceptions of course, but the majority is just porn.” 

“Come onnn, you’re messing with me!” He jokingly prodded Dirk’s abs and whispered ‘ow’ under his breath. “I know you like anime. You not liking anime is like me not liking Ghostbusters 2.” 

Dirk raised an eyebrow. “2?” 

“Yeah?” John groaned. “Don’t be like Dave. Ghostbusters 2 is WAY better than Ghostbusters 1. Come on! I have to argue this again? Wait!” John lifted his arms off Dirk’s shoulders and jumped onto his feet. John wildly sprinted up to his room, leaving Dirk to himself. Dirk rubbed his shoulder, already longing for the weight to be on his shoulders again. He sighed and checked his phone. First, his messages from Jane. 

GG: It is good to know you have made acquaintance with my grandfather grandson.  
GG: I am a bit curious of what happened to your schedule where you could spend time with John and not myself, but I am glad you are spending time outside your home.  
GG: You must have realized by now John’s personality. I have no real idea if you two will get along at all, but he is similar to me, so as long as you do not ghost him for several weeks on end, then you should get along fine. :) Hoohoo.  
GG: Also, I know you are just jealous of John and I’s curves. 

Another two people had messaged him. 

TG: gotta say. epic fail  
TG: srsly a whipped cream pie?  
TG: fucking prank kindergardeners know that shit. you fell for a clown prank. a clown prank. your survival instincts must be weak, bro. never would’ve survived on the meteor smh  
TT: I know you’re more mature than to be envious of me spending time with your best friend, so just say if you are. Will make this a lot easier. I still have time to leave and ghost the guy.  
TG: nah, don’t worry. i get enough time with him usually. he’s been acting kinda weird recently though. his house still full of booze?   
TT: I'd say his house is Dionysus’ fuck garden.   
TG: gonna take that as a yes   
TT: I think John’s in the middle of a search to find Ghostbusters 2. Can I ask what the fuck is wrong with his taste? I understand liking them both, but 2 over 1? Objectively speaking, it’s just wrong.   
TG: lmao if you think that’s the worst one then you’re in for it 

The last text message was from…  
Dirk hesitated.  
He took in a deep breath. 

TG: lmaoooooo gt prnkd XP 

Dirk shut his phone and stuffed it in his pocket. Normally, his mind would be stirring with thoughts, but all he felt was a pang in his heart the smoke couldn’t hide. He got up, heading towards the door. 

He was interrupted by a crash. John had been so excited exiting his room he had tripped and dropped the DVD’s he had been holding. He scrambled to grab them all and then ran down the stairs, running into the wall but continuing on like a train off the fucking rails. John stopped just short of Dirk, lifting up each DVD case to show him. “So, I found Ghostbusters 2 but...look what I also found!” He flaunted his DVD copy of Con Air like he had found the Holy Grail. “Or!” John slid the copy of Con Air to reveal Mac and Me. “We can make fun of this one.” Dirk felt faint. If John had seriously considered Mac and Me cinema, he would have had a stroke. “I think we should watch Con Air though. You must have seen it, cause you’ve seen ‘everything’.” 

Dirk adjusted his glasses, regaining his composure. “I must admit I have a cultural blindspot when it comes to a majority of Nicholas Cage movies.” It was a purposely crafted blindspot. 

“You’re so missing out. This is my favorite movie and I got to reenact the ending in front of you when you were a baby...well, when we were all babies.” 

“Yeah, cause of that ecto biology shit you name your handle after. Must be real proud of your paradoxes. Even if one of them is me.” 

John giggled. “Yes, I am! Thank you for asking.” He continued to push Con Air in Dirk’s face. “Let’s watch it.” 

“I was actually on my way. Told you. Got places to be.” Mainly his own home, reconsidering his choices in life. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned towards the door. His hand was on the doorknob, twisting it open. 

Dirk’s heart shoved into his throat. John had twisted a handful of Dirk’s shirt shoulder into his grip. A rush went through Dirk and he found himself quivering in places he would not like to admit. Realistically, he knew John was just urging him to watch Con whatever with him, but Dirk’s knees were prepared to buckle down so he could be the uke to John’s seme. 

“You’re leaving already? We just got started.” John rolled his eyes, “Okay, fine. We can watch Ghostbusters 2 if you’re going to be an asshole.” 

Dirk considered his options. Fresh air was luring him outside, but behind him was the stale, comforting warmth of John’s home. He raised his hands up. “Alright. I give in. We can watch Ghostbusters 2.” 

“Yes!” John hugged Dirk and squeezed him tight. “Okay, so don’t get me wrong, I love both of the movies, but I just think this one’s better because it’s way funnier and it actually scares me. The marshmallow man and the dogs aren’t all that scary. They’re cool, but they’re only spooky. I mean, it was Dan Akyroid’s fault for thinking of the marshmallow guy. If we were in the same situation, I would have thought of like...huh. I can’t think of anything. Wait! That’s the perfect answer.” 

Dirk sat on the couch, listening expressionlessly to John’s monologue. He hoped a Ghostbusters 2 discussion would successfully erase his arousal. So far, it wasn’t. John walked over to the TV and put the DVD in. 

“Okay, okay, but this movie is scary. Like, the ghost steals Sigourney Weaver’s baby. That’s so awful. And that slime! It’s terrifying! Okay, well...Rose would say it's a deeply unconscious infatuation and fear of, you know, jizz but it’s not! It’s just scary! Don’t you agree?” 

Dirk unsuccessfully tried to ignore the end of what John had said. “Depends on your definition. I wouldn’t call this a horror movie. In order to do that it would have to disturb me in a substantial way that makes me question my greater purpose in life. Like Evangelion. Or watching grinch porn for the first time. Don’t think this is gonna do the trick.” 

“You’re no fun. It’s scary!” John jumped back onto the couch, making it skid back slightly. Almost instinctively, he wrapped his arm around Dirk and turned on the TV. “When you get scared, just know I told you so.” Their cheeks were just about to brush against each other. Dirk continued his 40 yard stare. 

“Don’t raise your hopes up.” 

The movie started and John was already invested. Everytime a joke John knew came up, he would shush Dirk and tell him, “This is a good one,” and then laugh twice as hard as he should have. He continually glanced at Dirk, frowning when Dirk didn’t laugh at any of the jokes. “Come on, you have to admit that one was funny.” 

“Yeah, it was.” 

“Then why didn’t you laugh?” 

“How does my laughter affect the proficiency of the joke? It wasn’t required every other fucking time this movie got played. You trying to put my chortles and giggles in a jar for a Ghostbusters 2 laugh track?” 

John gazed at him, perplexed. Dirk looked towards the fireplace and mumbed, “I think you laugh my share. Also, you just missed a joke. It was a good one.” 

“Shit!” 

When things started getting spooky, Dirk could feel John stiffen and hold Dirk tightly. Dirk smiled smugly. “I’ll save you from the spooky ghosts, John, there’s no reason to be a pussy-”

“Shush! I’m trying to listen.” 

John squeaked and jumped, clutching Dirk’s shoulder. 

“That wasn’t scary.” 

John blushed, and puffed his cheeks. “I know.” God, that horrendous feeling was flying through him. Not just arousal, but a swarm of butterflies. Dirk really needed a metaphysical net for those. It wasn’t either of their faults that John happened to be the most beautiful man Dirk had seen in the flesh. John was a masterpiece, crafted from the strokes of a deniably homosexual painter. But...just like how Dirk couldn’t go in the Louvre and fuck the paintings, he had to keep his feelings for John in his pants. Dirk glanced down. John’s thigh was pushing into his own. Dirk lifted his hand, his eyes still on John’s thigh. He could easily rest his hand there and let his mind fill in the rest later. 

Just as Dirk went to caress John’s thigh, something suddenly tapped him back to reality. John had tried to scare Dirk by jerking his shoulder and jabbing him in the abdomen. “Gah,” said Dirk, genuinely caught by surprise. John snorted. He giggled quietly at first. Dirk furrowed his brows at him, and that sent John into another one of his giggle fits. “You didn’t scare me. Let’s make that clear. Neither did the movie. I didn’t-John I wasn’t scared. This is-no, stop John. I wasn’t scared. I’m being serious.” Dirk’s face was completely flushed, his tongue twisting to find any retort that could convince John he was not in fact, scared. 

John’s laughing was turning into hee-hee’s, so Dirk knew he had truly lost. “You’re such a weird guy.” John went back to paying attention to the movie, erupting in laughter again from one of Bill Murray’s jokes. They continued watching the movie, John trying to scare Dirk two or more times. Each time, Dirk insisted he hadn’t been scared and John would say he was. They were nearing the end of the movie. They were busting that ghost. 

“You’re smiling.” 

“What?” 

“I can see it.” John squinted. “It’s like, a pixel high. But you’re smiling.” John flicked the spot he had seen Dirk’s smile with his thumb. They were nearly done with the movie...the weed should have worn off by now, but John was still holding Dirk. His mouth was close enough to Dirk’s cheek that all John had to do was lean forward. Dirk could see John’s lips from the corner of his eyes. Although slightly chapped, Dirk couldn’t stop imagining those soft lifts planting themselves on his cheek. Dirk grit his teeth. Jesus, he was thinking softboy shit right now. At least if he was going to have gay fantasies they should involve being fucked in the ass like a real man. 

“John, that was oddly homoerotic of you.” Dirk’s heart was pounding. 

“It was? Oh.” John pulled his head back. “Well, you would know.” He chuckled and moved back. He shuffled away from Dirk, no longer touching, then leaned back into the sofa. John kept his eyes on the movie. Even though he knew it was the only way the scene could play out, Dirk’s heart sunk. John’s smile had flatten down to a line and his eyes were hollow. Dirk got to his feet. 

“I should head back. Shit to do, places to be.” 

“Alright.” John did not get up. He did not even steal a glance while Dirk went towards the door. “I’ll text you when the steering wheel gets here.” Professional tone. Friends of friends. Acquaintances. “Say hi to Jane for me when you hangout with her.” John smiled with the side of his mouth. He waved. No handshake. No hug goodbye. Yeah. This is how things were meant to be. 

Dirk jammed his hands in his pockets and headed out the door. 

Under the right tinted glass, blue skies start to look like blue oceans. Endless. Out of reach. Away from the world. The sky had to be blue today.


	4. Chapter 4

When the passerby changed from carapacians to consorts, Dirk knew he was getting closer to his place. He never questioned why he wanted his home to be at the top of a skyrise. It just felt natural. He went up the stairs as usual. Honestly, it was a piece of cake compared to what he was used to. Sometimes he wished he had the old building back. This place, all fancy with its fucking “walls” and “air conditioning” just meant he had to make up for the loss of his daily climbing workout. Dirk wasn’t even sure if anyone else lived in this building. Maybe he just wasn’t seeing any of the consorts because they were using the elevator like normal creatures. 

He opened his door with more force than necessary, and closed it with twice as much. He seethed, grabbed his sword and went back to his training. Every slash was violent, forceful, and sloppy. His stance was wrong and everytime he adjusted it, he would mess up something else. His fangs were bared, less like a graceful beast and more like the unbridled rage of a rabid dog. He stopped, breathing heavily. 

You’re letting your emotions get to you again. You’re just back where you started. It would have been better if you stayed at home, dipshit. 

Dirk put the sword back, then got on the ground to do twenty push ups, hoping it would get rid of the intrusive thoughts. It only amplified a smaller voice in the back of his head. Only a murmur, but it was constantly repeating. 

You should message Jane back. 

Dirk did his twentieth push up and got back to his feet. Crunches were next. 

If I message Jane again she might want to hangout. 

Isn’t that what you want? 

Dirk paused mid-crunch, his eyes stuck on the changing wallpaper of his flat screen. A buzz. He checked his phone. He could feel his face warm. From the warm-up probably. Cause that was the point of a warm up. Yeah. He checked the message. 

EB: sorry about how acted at the end there   
EB: still really liked hanging out with you   


Dirk got to his feet, completely losing track of what he had been doing. He stared at the text, his thumbs resting on the keys. He continued that way for ten minutes. Out the window, the sky’s blues were darkening to red and purple hues. Dirk was standing motionlessly, his face lit by his screen. 

TT: Yeah. 

Dirk sent it without thinking. Shit. He should have ghosted John for a while longer. He couldn’t play favorites in this friendship game. Especially with another guy. That always went to shit. He changed to Jane’s conversation. 

TT: I am neutral about you and John’s ‘curves’. I was just pointing out a fact and John construed it into an insult. A real puppetmaster of my words. Have to applaud him on that.   
GG: :0 You actually replied!   
TT: Is that supposed to be special? Time’s a construct, Jane. The guy who runs the whole shabam is my brother and he doesn’t even fucking get it either. There will always be a point in reality where I respond to your messages. Be patient.   
GG: Urgh, what a pleasant evening to talk to you again, Dirk. Good to know you are the same as ever.   
TT: Why would I ever change?   
GG: You really do not want to leave yourself wide open like that.   
TT: Genuinely do not know. Give me an answer and I’ll take notes.   
GG: Hoohoo, sure. Come visit and we can talk about it.   
TT: It’s pretty late and although I am apparently ‘jealous of your curves’ I am not to the point where I am going to rescind my lack of heterosexuality to court you after my own designated curfew. Gotta rise and grind.   
GG: I meant tomorrow, hoohoo.  
GG: Or the day after?  
GG: Honestly, I have trouble believing in that busy schedule of yours.  
GG: We are gods. I choose to have a job because I want to and I still am not nearly as busy as you are. 

Dirk paused. 

GG: Just so you know Dirk, if you are using your busy schedule as an excuse to wallow in self pity...THEN...WELL… :)  
GG: Maybe you should stay at home. 

Dirk fingers began to tremble. His lips could not decide between a neutral expression and a frown. He was about to put his phone away when he got another message. 

GG: Forgive me, Dirk. I was letting my frustration get to me. I admit, I am still bitter about certain events that happened before we went to Earth C. It feels so silly to hold onto grudges this long but there is no point in hiding it.  
GG: I have tried to be patient with you. I have been messaging you for years now and you only reply when you consider it convenient. WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE ALL DAY? WORK ON YOURSELF? OR JUST YOUR PHYSIQUE BECAUSE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS BEING A MAN?  
GG: I thought we were all well and dandy! I thought we made up!  
GG: SO WHY DONT YOU BE A MAN AND SAY FUCKING HELLO TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE?  
GG: Ugh! I know it is selfish but I want my best friends back.  
GG: And I mean ALL OF THEM.  
GG: I MISS YOU, YOU SELF-CENTERED ASSHOLE. 

Dirk’s body was stiff. He couldn’t pry his eyes away. He kept on rereading the messages. Maybe if he read it enough times, the words would morph to something more comprehensible. A straight forward message with no mixed feelings. Jane’s declaration to end the relationship he had twisted with his own hands. 

Just say you hate me. I deserve it. 

Of course, he stopped himself from replying with that pussy shit. He needed time to calculate his answer. He tucked his phone back and tapped his finger on it. He needed a shower. 

Hours later, Dirk stepped out of the bathroom in boxers with a towel around his neck. He felt the scars across his chest. Honestly, it was pretty impressive what one guy with dysphoria and a sword could do. He should be given a medal. 

He reached for his phone. No new messages. Jane had decided to end it there after all. Dirk switched back to John’s conversation. Every moment he was not thinking of messaging back Jane, he had been formulating the words to speak to John again. He had the power to send paragraphs. Dirk could make it clear his feelings for him. As a friend. Maybe even clear up how they were becoming such good friends and how much he appreciated it or whatever other mushy gushy feelings things he could say.  
Instead, he just sent back two words. 

TT: Me too. 

Several days had passed by. Dirk was leaning back in his gamer chair, his feet propped up on his desk. My little pony remixes and obscure techno hip hop were blasting from his speakers. He tapped his finger while chewing on the end of a pencil. Drawing up the plans for a robot able to defeat Sawtooth at rap battling had been a bit of a challenge. In fact, he hadn’t gotten past the planning stage for several years. He had considered that Sawtooth was the peak of rapping engineering, (Rappireering or engirapping as someone from an acclaimed animation/theme park franchise would call it. His portmanteau needed some work, but so did most portmanteaus) and no other robot or sentient being could beat him, but Dirk had also considered that he wasn’t trying hard enough. 

He finished sketching the design, then stopped. He started noticing all the nonsensical design choices he had made, all the parts he could not afford because he now lived in a capitalist society, and generally how stupid his scribbles were. He crumpled the piece of paper into a ball and tossed it. 

His phone was getting messages again, but he swore he would only respond if it was John, and only if it was about his steering wheel. He started scribbling out his next draft of the design. His mind disconnected from his hand. He could only think of the messages. There was a possibility it was John. Dirk knew he was not the type to get angry if he did not respond immediately, so it was fine. Well. Normally Jane wasn’t either. 

Fine, he would check. 

EB: funnyimage45.jpg  
EB: lol  
EB: wutisthislol.jpg  
EB: hehe  
EB: highbroandjeff.jpg  
EB: OMG US  
EB: pony.gif  
EB: found this and thought of you lol 

Oh. Dirk set the phone down. John wasn’t expecting him to reply, so he had no obligation. However, some parasite was still nibbling at his heart, continuing to tug it’s strings and move his fingers towards the phone. 

TT: I’ll ignore that you associate me with tiny shetland ponies. I’m busy, so stop messaging me unless your steering wheel got there.   
EB: lol youre doing a pretty bad job ignoring it  
EB: funnyimage34.jpg  
EB: funnymeme68.jpg  
TT: I would put my phone on Do Not Disturb, but again, you’re supposed to tell me when your steering wheel gets there. So you’ve forced me into this position where I must hear the buzz of every single one of your fucking messages. Put me out of my misery.   
EB: just ignore them its not that hard  
EB: funnymeme23.jpg  
EB: thisisagoodone2.jpg  
EB: see. this one is a good one   
TT: Says right in the title so it has to be correct.   
EB: exactly! 

Dirk rested his head on his cheek, feeling its warmth. 

TT: All of these memes have neither the satisfaction of being ironically good or genuinely funny. I’ll save you some time by telling you there is no point in sending these to me. My level of humor is beyond what you could understand.   
EB: epic.jpg  
EB: what about this one? 

It was an image of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Spike smoking weed. 

TT: Got me there.  
TT: Let me point out that it is inaccurate, though. Twilight is a narc, Pinkie’s on coke and my girl would never smoke with Twilight. She’s better than that.   
EB: you watch my little pony? for real?   
TT: Casually.   
EB: lol what do you mean casually? you grew up in the apocalypse  
EB: besides it was a little girls show. you HAD to go out of your way  
TT: If you analyze the themes of MLP:FIM you’ll actually find that they are universal to all genders and ages. It earned its adult male fanbase through excellent storytelling, intriguing worldbuilding and strong characters. I’m not one of those fans but I understand where they’re coming from.   
EB: you called rainbow dash ‘your girl’   
TT: RD is my horse equivalent to a waifu. I have no investment other than finding her design to be aesthetically pleasing and her character to be charming.  
TT: I enjoy her spunkiness.   
EB: kaminarainbowdash.jpg   
EB: omg shes wearing your glasses 

Dirk was getting what he could only describe as ‘twelve year old girl writing in her diary while kicking her legs in the air’ feeling. Even when he put his phone away, the feeling wouldn’t leave. He went back to his sketches. His mind wandered aimlessly and he found his wrist moving in circular motions. He kept on remembering how nice it was to have John’s arm around him. To be held close. How John wouldn’t push him away like that other man in his life did. How John was almost begging for Dirk to get closer. To touch him in any spot he could reach. Dear God. Dirk looked back at his paper. He was drawing hearts. He flipped his pencil and vigorously erased them. He smacked his head into the paper, crumpled it and threw the sketchpad across the room. He got up. He needed to take a shower. 

A couple days later, Dirk was in his bed, staring up at his phone. If he was honest, he was not busy. He had done everything he could think to do for the day. Another workout would just mean another shower and he did not have quite enough time for both. He kept on refreshing his messages. Nothing new.  
He could not believe they were forcing him to do this. To make the first move. He tapped on each of his chats, deciding who best to pester. He landed on John. No stakes. Dirk sighed in relief. 

TT: epicthesequel.jpg  
TT: Although most people would claim that Fluttershy would be too shy to smoke weed, hence her name, I actually think the true answer is counterintuitive. She lived in an animal commune. She was a weeb. Of course she is growing pot. How else would she handle the daily stresses of caring for every single animal in Ponyville as well as keeping with undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disordered best friend Twilight Sparkle’s demands for friendship?   
EB: i dont know anything about my little pony  
EB: but that meme is still pretty epic :B   
TT: Epic.   
EB: epic 

Their conversations continued in a similar fashion over the next couple of weeks. One of them would send a meme, then the other would send a reaction. It would vary from short spurts of rapport to hour long discussions of what was wrong with each other’s sense of humor. Dirk still had not been able to convince John that Con Air was not the best movie of all time, and John had not been able to convince Dirk to watch it and see for himself. Yet, they were still arguing about it, hours after John said he was going to bed. 

TT: You are entitled to your shit opinion, but I have no reason to subject myself to cinema waterboarding just to satisfy your sadistic need for people to agree with you.   
EB: you guys all suck. youve never even seen it   
TT: I didn’t consider it a necessary piece of media to consume. It’s not even a matter of poor quality. It’s a matter of poor mediocrity. It just does not interest me. If it were bad enough then we could watch it out of irony. But your genuine enjoyment sucks the life out of it. If I make any necessarily brutal comments you’ll take it personally.   
EB: lets watch mac and me then since you only want to watch bad movies   
TT: Watching an 1 and a half long commercial sounds like a great way to spend time with a bro. Sounds spectacular. An absolute fucking waste of time neither of us will enjoy.   
TT: That’s the one with the wheelchair scene, right?   
EB: wheelchair scene?   
TT: You’ll remember when you see it.   
EB: wait, so does this mean you are promising to hangout   
TT: Not a promise. Just a suggestion.   
EB: well i think its a promise :P  
EB: so excited to hangout with you again  
EB: i had to get more weed but i also got snacks so im prepped this time  
TT: Next time I have available is after I fix your steering wheel. 

Phew. That gave Dirk some time to mentally prepare for another hangout session. It probably wouldn’t arrive for another week. 

EB: OH! good news! the steering wheel got here yesterday but i totally forgot to tell you lol  
EB: i was so wasted 

Fuck. 

TT: Alright. I’ll stop by tomorrow then.   
EB: hehe, okay  
EB: oh shit!! its like, 3 am  
EB: goodnight, see you tomorrow!! 

Yeah, it sure was 3 am. There went Dirk’s sleep schedule. He laid down in bed, keeping his eyes on the ceiling. Not an ounce of sleep was weighing down his eyes. Talking to John was a better stimulant than Mountain Dew spiked with five hour energy. Dirk spent what he assumed was five minutes thinking over how he would interact with John the next day. He’d try to keep his space from him, but if John wanted to invade his personal space, Dirk wouldn’t stop him. 

Unfortunately, his mind could not stay in one place and was starting to think of ways John could really get into his space. Grab him by the shirt, force him into the wall and shove his lips into his own. Suck on his bottom lip, then force his tongue down Dirk’s mouth. Then press his whole body up against him so Dirk could feel John’s throbbing dick through his cargo shorts. Dirk would claw into the back of John’s shirt and John would comb through Dirk’s hair, pulling back Dirk’s head so John could fit his soft kisses between Dirk’s neck and jaw. 

His mind had wandered again. Well. Now he was caught between a rock and hard place. Dirk knew he couldn’t sleep if he tried to ignore it. He was just horny in general, he could think of something else. He snuck a hand down his underwear, changing the image of John to a generic bara man. Dirk’s heart skipped a beat. He was already wet. That normally wasn’t easy for him. With a face washed with blush, he started working his fingers around his clit. 

No matter how hard he tried, John’s features kept on sneaking into his fantasies. His dumb goofy grin. His stubble. His soft, warm arms. Dirk made a small moan to himself. He had never been able to pleasure himself this good since breaking up with Jake. Or even before that. Honestly, he thought he was completely desensitized, but just the thought of John whispering some nonsense into his ear was sending his whole body ablaze with arousal. 

Once Dirk’s mind went to truly forbidden places, his body couldn’t handle it anymore. He made a girlish moan as his body contracted. Finally, he took his hand away. He checked the time. 4am. He exhaled out his nose and stayed on his bed for a bit. Thank God no one had been there to see that. He got up and decided to take a shower. Then he would exercise, take another shower, and go to John’s house. Sleep was for the weak anyway. 

“Wow, you’re here early!” said John. 

It was precisely 11am. Dirk was standing outside John’s door, wearing his black tank, pants and fingerless gloves. Work clothes. Before anyone asked, the highly saturated primary color clown shoes were also a necessary part of the arrangement. It brought the outfit together. A toolbox rested next to him. John was in his godtier outfit that he was clearly using as pajamas. John leaned his arm on the doorframe, his other hand in his pocket. John's short sleeves allowed Dirk to see all the dark hair running across John’s arms. Dirk tucked his thumbs behind his golden belt, sloping down the waistline towards his belt buckle. Dirk ignored the fact that John could probably see the waistband of his underwear. 

“I opened up my schedule for you. You’re welcome.” 

“That’s nice. I wasn’t really expecting you until the afternoon though.” John smiled. They stood in silence for a bit, Dirk waiting for John to say anything else. Instead, John was keeping up his goofy smile, his eyes drifting in Dirk’s general direction.

“Dude, I need the keys to get in the car. And your new steering wheel.” 

“Oh, yeah. Let me get those.” 

Dirk waited outside John’s home, shifting his weight from the balls of his feet to his heels. It wasn’t a good sign that his fingers were shaking this early. He had a job to do. John came back, carrying a box. He walked past Dirk and set it down next to the car. “Here it is. Tell me if you need anything.” He pat Dirk on the shoulder, handed him the car keys and went back into the house. 

Dirk opened the box with the steering wheel in it. It was an old fashioned steering wheel. The kind mostly made of wood and metal without much plastic covering. Guess John didn’t want to update the car he had. Actually this steering wheel was an older model than the one John already had. Dirk looked at the postal. Hm. It had come from Roxy’s house. It must have come from the void. She hadn’t bothered to add the instructions though, but Dirk could manage. Dirk opened the hood of the car to disconnect the battery. He took out a socket and wrench from his tool box and went to it. 

Negative charge was disconnected. Onto the positive. He was engrossed, so when a chill wind blew down his neck, he jolted, worried he had somehow electrocuted himself. No. John’s rancorous laughter told Dirk it had just been another prank. Dirk turned around, “Hey, I’m-” He lifted his chin up. John was floating slightly above him, the hood of his sweatshirt swaying in the wind. He had blown cold air down Dirk’s neck, while blowing away the warm smoke coming out of the joint he was holding. John took a drag from the joint and blew out a smoke ring, cheating by using his wind powers. “Smoke right next to the engine. That’s a good idea.” 

“I thought it was a pretty good prank. You’re always on edge, it’s so easy to get you. Dave never told me you were this anxious.” 

Dirk shut the hood of the car. “I just don’t let myself be open to attack. I have to be ready in case your harmless prank turns out to be a homicidal maniac.” 

“Hmm. When you smoke with me you’re relaxed though. So that means weed is your only weakness. Good to know for when I become a supervillain.” 

Dirk walked around to sit on the driver’s seat, setting the tool box on the center console. “My reflexes are my power and reefer is my Kryptonite. Congratulations. You figured it out.” Dirk tilted his head to look at John and gave him two slow claps of applause. 

He started unscrewing the plastic covers on John’s steering wheel, then moved onto unscrewing the whole thing. He sat up, having to put more pressure on the wrench. Dirk looked over at John, who still stood there. His eyes were directed at Dirk’s arms. Dirk twisted his arm and purposely flexed it so John could get a clear view of his hunky bicep. He sucked his stomach in so his abs were visible, and tensed all his muscles so John could have a sneak peek. He wiped off the sweat on his brow, making sure John was getting all of this. He was really putting on a performance. Oddly enough, John was still entranced, his eyes still on Dirk’s arms. Dirk took off the old steering wheel and leaned back in the seat. “Got nothing better to do than watch the gun show?” 

“No, not really,” said John. He took another hit from the joint and scratched his head, taking a bit to form his next thought. “Can I feel them?” 

“Normally you’ve gotta pay extra for that but I’ll let it slide for you. Since you’re not into it.” Dirk couldn’t help but be smug as he raised his arm and flexed it. John tentatively reached out and pushed his palm into Dirk’s arm, squeezing and digging his fingers into the hard muscle underneath. 

“Woah,” John said, breathless. John wrapped his whole hand around Dirk’s arm, only reaching around halfway. His eyes widened and he began to massage into the muscle with his thumb. Dirk looked away before he could see John’s cheeks turn to a faint pink. John rested his joint in his mouth and used his other hand to feel up Dirk’s arm. He was really pushing deep. 

“Are you kneading bread there? I thought you said you didn’t bake,” said Dirk instead of admitting his arm was starting to get sore. 

John stopped and pulled his hands back. “Sorry.” John looked to the side, his face flushed. “Mm. Fine. I’ll admit it. I’m jealous. How’d you get so strong?” 

Dirk froze. It was a scenario he had played in his head, sure, but he had dismissed it. Instead of giving the cool, casual retort he had intended to give John, he instead shrugged. “Watch One Punch Man.” He went back to putting on the new steering wheel. 

John nodded as if that were sound advice. “They’re really hot. If I had muscles like yours then I’d already be married to an alien. Which, when I think about it, kinda makes me wonder why you haven’t.” John snorted. “Guess the girls were cuter than the guys, even to you.”

Dirk continued silently, not allowing himself to process John’s words. 

“You’re way hotter than me, you deserve a boyfriend.” John took one last hit from the joint and breathed the smoke out in a long sigh. 

Dirk swallowed his spit and wiped off the sweat on his brow for real. “Thanks. You’re right, but don’t cut yourself short. You’ve got enough to offer.” 

John rolled his eyes. “Come on, stop messing with me. I know I’m not that attractive. If I were a gay guy I’d be so into you, I mean, you’ve got everything.” John went to take another hit from the joint before remembering he was all out. He reached out, creating a hole in space very similar to a portal, then pulled out a new joint. He must have prepared a few beforehand. He lit the end and continued talking. “You’re cool, you’ve got the looks and you’re smart. Triple threat over here.” John’s voice cracked while adding, “Quintuple threat with those guns of yours.”

Dirk adjusted his glasses and steadied his breathing. He hadn’t braced himself for an onslaught of compliments. A drastic mistake. 

John cleared his throat. “I’m just a regular guy though. Who’s kinda fat and kind of hairy. My da-” He stopped himself. “I am kind of disappointed for letting it get this far.” He took a huge fucking hit from the joint. “My facial hair probably looks really stupid at this point. I haven’t checked.” He scratched his chin as if to check. “Do I stink? I keep on forgetting to shower.” John smelled his own armpit, accidentally knocking himself off balance. 

Dirk realized he was obligated to answer. He spent a couple minutes focused on the steering wheel, then a few more to formulate his answer. “Your stubble frames your face well, you smell fine to me and if you really care about losing weight then step your game up. Get an elliptical.” 

John chuckled. “Well I don’t actually care. I just...think it might be some of the reasons why no one’s attracted to me anymore. I used to be a real lady-killer with this face.” He pointed at his own goofy smile. “Uhh, gentleman-killer too, I guess. Can’t forget Karkat.” 

Dirk raised an eyebrow. “Dave’s husband? He was into you?” 

“Oh, yeah he sure was. He was obsessed with me. I’m starting to wonder if this Dave was into me too...you know, the gay Dave.” 

“Gay dave?” 

“Yeah, cause this Dave’s gay? I’m not sure if the Dave from my original timeline was gay. I’ve gotten conflicting answers.” 

“...John.” Dirk opened his mouth, about to be the third person to explain to John that that’s not how being gay works, but instead he decided to let it go. For the moment. 

“But now it seems like no one’s into me. Even Roxy’s gay. I know it’s not all about me, but, you know...” John shrugged, his eyes falling to the ground. His smile faded and his shoulders slumped. He looked down vacantly, bringing the joint to his lips. He breathed out the smoke. A breeze picked it up with some leaves, blowing them up into the sky in spirals. John sniffled.

His eyebrows folded quizzically. He scrunched his nose. John stuck his face near Dirk, sniffed, then covered his nose, looking ready to puke. He threw his head back and laughed. “No wonder you don’t think I smell! Your b.o. sucks, dude.” John giggled and stepped away from him. He kept his nose plugged and waved goodbye with his fingers, “I’m going back inside. Before you ask, yes, it is because you’re smelly. See you.” He laughed again and left. 

Once John was inside, Dirk let himself breathe again. He clutched his chest. It was heaving as if he had finished a marathon. Dirk smelled his pits. What the fuck was John talking about? He took a shower this morning. He just smelled like onion, per usual. 

Dirk continued fixing the steering wheel, having to remind himself to keep his eyes on the right prize. Free weed from a straight bear. Nothing more. Nothing less.


	5. Chapter 5

An hour later, Dirk stepped into John’s living room, his hands dripping with grease. He walked past John on the sofa, who held up the pipe and the joint in a way of asking which one he wanted. Dirk pointed to the joint, then entered the kitchen to wash his hands. He found it oddly ironic how he was filling a basin of food grease with literal machine grease, then felt a bit guilty, deciding to move some of the plates so the grease would go down the drain. 

Dirk went back to the living room. Mac and Me’s menu was blaring on the television. Snacks took up the table and floor. John was already smoking from a rolled joint and sitting in the middle of the fucking sofa with his legs spread out. Dirk stood in front of him. Forced to cramp himself on the left side or the right side? Dirk, not wanting to limit himself to a binary of options, went with the third and sat on John’s lap. He did it nonchalantly, then propped his legs to rest on John’s other leg. John laughed and jokingly pushed him, but not enough to move him.

“Dirk,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Very funny.” He kept nudging Dirk, but he wouldn’t budge. “Dirk.” He glared at Dirk. Still wouldn’t move. 

After a few minutes, John gave in, wrapping his arm around Dirk’s back and pulling him closer. “Here. They’re a lot easier than pipes, so don’t breathe too-” Dirk breathed inhaled like he would never take another breath again. The smoke twirled around his lungs and back out his throat and Dirk blew it all directly in John’s face. John coughed, took the joint back and frowned. He snuffed it out, then sent his hand through a portal to get another from the table right beside them. Dirk pushed his knees closer to his chest and fell onto John like a stiff puppet. John looked at him, a bit surprised. He was having the reaction one has when a mean cat curls up on you. John blinked a few times, not believing what he was seeing. He grabbed the controller and pressed play, then handed Dirk orange soda and Doritos. 

Dirk carefully snuggled into John so his glasses didn’t jab into him. He was the perfect pillow for his head to rest on. Dirk closed his eyes, nuzzling his cheek into John’s shoulder. 

“Aren’t the aliens so gross? This movie is so dumb,” said John with a mouth full of Oreos. He looked at Dirk. He put his hand on his shoulder and shook him a bit. 

“Yeah, they are,” Dirk mumbled, blinking his eyes one at a time. 

“Are you falling asleep?” 

“No.” Dirk rested his face on John’s shoulder again. “You failed us, John. You didn’t get any McDonald’s. Mac is going to be so fucking dissapointed in us. McDonald’s brings the world together...John…” Dirk yawned and his eyes felt heavy. “If we just had bought more McDonald’s, the world wouldn’t have ended...we would have satisfied our Mc lovin’ overlords and….would have had an unending peace for generations...and defeated the Betty Crocker company…” He yawned again, “together. Two alien species, fighting together as one. Mac and me. Mac and I. Mac and the revolution.” John felt Dirk start to slip and snuck his arm around Dirk’s waist so he wouldn’t fall. The end of Dirk’s lip twisted up and he closed his eyes. 

“Dirk!” John shook him awake again. “You tricked me.” 

“Huh? How’d I trick you?” 

“You’re trying to fall asleep so you don’t have to watch Mac and Me!” 

“Trust me, John. I would gladly watch worse shit on any given day out of my own freewill. My sleeping issues had nothing to do with you.” Maybe that was a lie. 

“At least stay awake until the wheelchair scene you mentioned. I totally forgot what it is.” 

“Fuck. Right. Right. I’ll stay awake until then.” 

Dirk kept himself from dozing off, mostly by telling John his lamest jokes, which would get a giggle or two out of him. His eyes were closed when the infamous wheelchair scene began, but John was kind enough to yell, “Fuck, I think this is it.” 

Dirk tugged his eyes open. “Yes, it is.” 

John watched in amazement as the wheelchair boy started rolling down a hill, unable to use his brakes. “I don’t think that’s how-” His eyes widened in surprise as the kid fell down a motherfucking hill at full speed. “What?!” 

“Hell yeah. Sick trick, Eric. Not only are you going to drown, but you gotta bring the wheelchair too. Invest in some better fucking brakes. Or are your parents too busy buying McDonald’s to give a shit about your well being. What a dumbass.” 

Dirk had barely managed to say his epic clapback. He laid his head on John’s shoulder and let his eyes rest. Sleep quickly overtook him. 

“What! I don’t remember this scene. What was that?” John looked to Dirk, who was already sound asleep. 

John blushed. Dirk was peaceful, resting on John’s shoulder with his arms huddled close to him. “I guess I can’t wake you up now,” John whispered to himself. He paused the movie. He leaned back on the couch and grabbed a pillow to set behind his head. He pulled Dirk closer. John smiled slightly, reminded of hugging Liv Tyler to sleep. He embraced Dirk fully, waking Dirk up a bit. John's arms were squeezing him tight. John nuzzled his cheek on Dirk’s pointy hair. His lips pressed against his forehead. A delicate kiss you would give to a pet. Dirk was unable to differentiate dream from reality, not sure where one ended and one began. He had no idea if the kiss was real or if he was just hoping for it to be. But it didn’t matter. At least he knew John was really holding him. He didn’t have to fantasize about it anymore. Finally, even if they were not in love...Dirk had found someone who would hold him close. Dirk felt delicate and small in John’s arms, breakable and defenseless, but he didn’t care. A vague euphoria stirred inside him and a faint smile rose to his lips. He could rest happy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if gcatavrosprite sucks in this chapter thats because my friend wrote him

After Dirk woke up, his eyes could only focus on the ceiling. He was pondering if his powers could work on himself, because he was fairly certain his soul was no longer in his body. He heard John in the kitchen, most likely searching for food. Dirk sat up, checking the saloon doors. He got up, and left without another word. 

He muted his phone. He didn’t need anyone to interrupt his stride with bullshit. Dirk continued to walk, his shoulders hunched. He found himself kicking the pebbles in front of his feet more often and wandering the streets of the Consort Kingdom. The consorts gave him their weird amphibious stares, but Dirk didn’t look back. He continued forward, forging a path towards an unknown location. A mysterious location, one unknown to all man, bug, or amphibian kind. As if searching for the fountain of youth, because what the hell else do you do when you sailed across the fucking ocean and crashed onto the fucking Florida beach. His path kept crossing itself, since he was only going around in circles. 

Are you looking for someone? 

The question crossed his mind a couple of times. No. There’s no one he wanted to see right now. He was actually doing this for precisely the opposite reason. He had to walk off that fucking Egbert softboy shit. He was trying to get rid of the feelings of his arms around him. Dirk stopped suddenly. He stared ahead. 

Oh. 

He had found who he was looking for. 

A tall man with lean muscle stood in front of some consort merchants, looking over their merchandise. They appeared to be selling hats, shoes, and bootleg copies of original Earth movies. Consorts had to make a living somehow, thanks to the introduction of capitalism by Jane, which Dirk had to say, was the only mistake she had ever made. The man squatted down in his booty shorts to get a better look at the movies and Dirk couldn’t peel his eyes away. Dirk walked up to the merchants. Jake was too busy pondering over which movie to buy to notice Dirk standing right behind him. 

Dirk took out some money from his pocket and dropped it in front of one of the amphibians. “I don’t want anything. I’m just taking pity on your guys’ sorry excuse for a business. Maybe with this you can buy some better merch. I wouldn’t even wear those fairy-ass shoes ironically.” He pointed at a pair of pointy elf shoes. The consort took a quick look at Dirk’s shoes and narrowed its eyes. 

“Good heavens, is that who I think it is?” Jake stood up and turned to Dirk. “It is! Jolly good to see you, my dear fellow. What a peculiar way for us to meet again, I must say, there are so many things to say...but oh, tally-ho and on with it. What brings you here, my fine pal?” Jake pat Dirk’s stiff back forcefully, which was enough encouragement for Dirk to continue talking to him. 

“I was in the area. You’re the one who should be answering that question.” 

“Oh, well, as you can see here, I am purchasing a movie! I was having a gander at this local business to see if they happened to have any copies of Weekend at Bernie’s 2.” He laughed and rolled his eyes, “I really made such a cock-up. I didn’t even think of bringing it when we moved to Earth C. I suppose that has to do with all the other tosh that was happening. Blimey, that sure was a bloody trainwreck. Anyways, Roxy says since the DVD still exists she cannot bring it back from the void, so I have been put on a wild goose chase to find the damn thing. But-get this!” 

Dirk opened his mouth to say he didn’t care, but Jake continued on anyway. 

“I have happened to find something even better!” Jake put his money on the table and picked up one of the DVD cases. “Weekend at Bernies 3! Isn’t this absolutely gobsmacking? I wasn’t even aware they made a Weekend at Bernies 3! Why didn’t you tell me about this, Dirk, with all your fancy media knowledge?” Jake gasped, “Unless you weren’t aware of it either. Why, don’t tell me you had a cultural blindspot around Weekend at Bernie’s!” 

Dirk took the DVD case from Jake’s hand, seeing that the cover was a crudely drawn version of the Weekend at Bernie’s 2 cover. He opened it. “No, I don’t. This is a CD.” 

Jake scratched the stray hairs on his chin. “Bollocks.” Jake turned to the merchant table to ask for a refund, but the table and the consorts had run off. “Those bloody bastards nicked me!” He frowned and scoffed. “Dammit. This is friggin rubbish. I would not be nearly as miffed if they hadn’t raised my hopes up for a Weekend at Bernie’s 3!” Jake hung his head low and started to turn to leave. 

Dirk clasped his hand on Jake’s bare shoulder, causing Jake to jump slightly. “You want me to help you find a copy? I don’t mind going on a stupid fucking adventure to find some shit movie.” He forced a smile, his stomach swimming with emotion. 

Jake brushed Dirk’s hand off his shoulder and took two steps away from him. He took a deep breath and looked to the left, “I love adventures! Of course, I want to. Well. As long as we are still good chums, of course! Good pals, buddies, compadres, whatever you want to call it.” 

“Yes. We are.” 

Jake chuckled. “Yes! That’s the spirit!” He cleared his throat and his mind wandered off, “I must admit, you really gave me the collywobbles for a bit! I was starting to think that you may have taken offense to how I worded those texts I’ve been sending you. Or even doubting if you still liked me! What a load of rubbish. Oh, it’s been so long since we last spoke in person! You haven’t even had the chance to see my updated Jake Sully cosplay. I still have not convinced anyone to be Neytiri, so it seems a bit silly to even have it.” 

Dirk did not respond to that. He was not willing to go that far for Jake’s affection. 

“Jade says I should cosplay something that does not involve having my ‘ass out’ even though I was convinced that everyone was raging about my buttocks only a few years ago. She recommended for me to dress up like Lara Croft, and I must say, I cannot get myself to wear anything else since!” 

Dirk rubbed his fingers together, feeling a powder rub off them. He looked down at his hand. It was covered in makeup. He looked back at Jake’s arm, seeing the details of Sweet Bro poke out from underneath the powder. 

“I simply cannot stand wearing that godtier outfit around constantly. It makes me look ridiculous! Orange and yellow, what horrendous colors. This, on the other hand, is the perfect outfit to go shooting with. Jade and I, we go out, dust the old rifles and give those targets the old one and two until they’ve been shot to shambles.” 

Dirk put his hands in his pockets, letting Jake go on for a few more minutes until he thought of a proper response to something Jake had said at the beginning of the conversation, only processing half of Jake’s words. 

Jake started to walk and Dirk tagged alongside him. Jake continued his raving story about Jade barking at Tavrosprite and having a small kerfuffle with him before they all went to Jane’s to bake biscuits.

“The good kind or are you slandering them with your British bullshit and mean dry fucking tea cookies?” 

“Dirk, I told you, I still do not understand the difference between American and British biscuits. I never had a chance to go to either location.” 

Dirk shrugged and rolled his eyes. Jake had forgotten that Dirk also never really had that chance either. They kept walking until they came across a mansion with an astronomy tower. Dirk stopped suddenly, realizing where they were heading.  
“Is something wrong, Dirk?” 

“No. Just thought we were going on an adventure to find that movie.” 

“Ohh. Yes, we were going to do that. I must have forgotten! I can be a plonker sometimes, I give you that. Hm. Well, we are already all the way here, so I see no reason why we cannot refresh first before going on our risky undertaking. What do you say?” 

Dirk’s mind began to wander with thoughts he thought he had long abandoned. Hands on his hips, lips on his cheek, dick in his ass. He bit on his lip and nodded. He followed Jake into the mansion, caught off guard by the amount of globes fucking everywhere in the foyer. It wasn’t until that moment that Dirk was aware what Jake would have done if he had more space than just an astronomy tower, and he wasn’t sure if he liked the answer. Bookshelves, maps of Earth C, and pictures of blue women lined the walls. Dirk stood in front of one of the maps, seeing it covered in notes that were clearly Jake’s handwriting. 

“You becoming a cartographer? This map’s pretty shit, it doesn’t even try to take into account the curvature of the Earth.” Dirk spun around one of the globes. “Why do you have so many old Earth globes?” 

“Can’t a man just have a bit of decoration? Besides, I can’t draw my own globe anyway. Believe me, I have tried, and globes are buggers to deal with when it comes to drawing on them.” 

Dirk raised an eyebrow and made himself smirk enough that it was noticeable, “Can’t blame them. They must be just as much buggers as you.” 

Jake almost seemed to get the joke, but was distracted by another train of thought, “What are we doing dillying and dallying down here? Let’s go up to my room and watch a movie. Or perhaps you want a tour of the place?” He walked up to a suit of armor. “Isn’t this fascinating? Suits of armors remind me of you, for whatever reason. Possibly because they always make me think of orange, but I have no blimey idea why. I always keep track of you three in the most peculiar ways. Fancy that, this suit of armor is from the 14th century! It says so right here on the plaque I wrote two days ago, so it must be true. I don’t even remember how I found it.” 

Dirk seethed. “Roxy must have, obviously. From the void.” 

“Yes, I know, I know! I am not that daft Dirk. I was talking about the other myself. Jade’s grandpa! Most of this stuff is his, I believe. I wanted some trinkets to fill the halls of all this space so she told me about all the artifacts her grandfather found before he died. Poor fellow! Died before he could live out his best years. He would be happy knowing that all his discoveries are still here, on Earth C. Except his game trophies. Tavrosprite mentions he is uncomfortable about them, and it took me a few months to remember that he is in fact, part animal himself and also an overly sensitive buffoon. Not that I can fault him for that, of course. There’s not much going on in my own noggin’ either, I am afraid.” Jake knocked on his skull, and Dirk was fairly sure he heard a hollow echo come from it. Dirk breathed in, but Jake opened his mouth up again, “Would you fancy a round of football? Not the American kind, of course. Tavros would hate throwing around a pig skin.” He laughed at his own joke. 

“No, Jake. Let’s go up to your room, like you said. I’ve got something to ask you.”  
“Really? By jove, I didn’t realize you had something to say to me. Here I am going on and on about some insignificant thing when you have something important to tell me! I’ve made this conversation a real dog’s dinner. Or a cat’s dinner. That reminds me, I need to make sure Tavros did not throw up any hairballs today. He’ll hide them on me, the rascal.” 

Dirk put his hand on Jake’s shoulder again, startling him. He tried to stare Jake in the eyes, but instead focused on his forehead, seeing Jake’s eyebrows twist with every word he said. “It’s really important, so if you could just focus for five goddamn seconds.” 

Jake swallowed his spit, “Alright, alright, I get it. We’ll go right up in a jiffy, let me just go find Tavros.” He clicked his tongue, “Come here, Tavvy Tavvy, come here Rikki Tikki Tavvy.” 

Dirk rubbed off all the sweat on his forehead and fumbled around with one of the globes, searching for the coordinates where his friends used to live. He found where his own home would be. Right, it wasn’t updated for the fucking apocalypse. It was always a bit odd to remember that Texas was a desert at one point.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tavrosprite slink out of one of the rooms, rubbing his eye. Jake wrapped his arm around Tavros’ neck and messed up his hair. “How’s my good ol’ chum doing? Let’s go up to my room with Dirk, he has something important to tell us.” 

Tavros scrunched his nose. “I would, uh, prefer for you to not be touching my hair, uhh, it’s hard getting it, uh, cool like this. Especially with the gel shortage going on, uh, planetwise.”

Dirk turned and headed farther away from them, hoping not to hear anymore of their conversation. Unfortunately, they followed him. “Dirk! I think we are ready to all go to my room and possibly watch a movie together. I was thinking Weekend at Bernie’s, but I think Tavros might not be in the mood to watch such a classic.” 

“I’d be, uh, happiest to watch Pupa Pan, or uh, Puper Pan, or the Human Pupa who is not as good, but still better than the corpse movie that, uh, due to the experiences I have had that, uh, have been tragically corpse related.”

Dirk furrowed his brows. “When I said I had something important to tell you I meant alone. Sorry, cat guy, but you’re not a part of this.”

“Uhh, with the regards to offence that could be taken, it, uhhh, wasn’t.”

“Didn’t care. Anyways, Jake, can we just go up to your room now? 

Jake frowned, “Well, Dirk, I just wanted to include my friend and you seem to have taken some sort of offense to it. Blimey, I sure am making a mess of things. You know, usually there aren’t this many issues when I am talking to our other pals. You really need to work on your communication, Dirk. It sure has helped me! Rose has offered me several free therapy appointments. Now, I know she is not a licensed therapist but I find her advice to be just as helpful as any professional. Really got into that thick skull of mine. And found out that it might be slightly broken! I didn’t know therapists could even figure out those sorts of things.” 

Dirk blushed, unsure if it was from anger, second-hand embarrassment or arousal. He couldn’t handle these fucking blue balls for any longer. “Jake! Let’s just go to your fucking room.” 

“Yeah, uhh, about the plan to watch a movie, my interest, was uh, not that piqued anyway. Sorry, my room, I can go back to it.” Tavros floated backwards as the two continued their fight. 

Jake’s voice started to rise. “What could possibly be so important that Tavros can’t hear it? You know, I’m starting to think I may be closer friends with Tavros than I am with you! At least he tries to be understanding and answers my texts when he is on the other side of the house. I haven’t heard from you in months. Everyone has been worried sick about you.” 

Dirk kept his tone neutral, as to seem more calm and collected and therefore rational. “Well I’m here now, aren’t I? Why don’t you appreciate it? Let’s go up to your room together, alone, without a blue alien cat boy.” 

Jake rolled his eyes. “You are impossible.” He led the way towards a transportalizer platform and stepped on it, beaming up to his room. Dirk took in a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. Okay, he could do this. Maybe seeing Gcatavrosprite died down his libido a bit, but he had a goal. He fixed his hair and smacked his lips before stepping on the transportalizer. 

A panic shot through Dirk’s heart when he was confronted by walls of blue women and adventure movie posters. He stepped further inside, accidentally kicking one of Jake’s guns. 

“Be careful with Clementine!” Jake picked up the gun and held it like a baby and kissed its nonexistent forehead. “She is my most consistent shot.” He threw the gun into a giant fucking pile on the floor. “Now, where were we? Yes!” Jake clenched his fist and slammed it down into his other hand. “You...had something to show me. No! Tell me. Oh, let me make some room for us first. I am not used to having anyone besides Tavrosprite and Jade here. Even Jane refuses to come up all the way here. Something to do about my disturbing amount of blue ladies.” He walked up to one of the posters and kissed it. “Don’t worry Neytiri, you’re not disturbing. Not in my heart.” 

Dirk sat on Jake’s bed, knocking over a couple of things on it. He laid on his side and tried to give Jake one of his best suggestive stares, unaware that it looked more angry than arousing. “You need to be more careful with my items, Dirk,” Jake said while knocking over all the items on his desk before finding a magazine, sticking it into one of his guns and throwing the gun into his pile. Dirk glanced at what he had knocked off the bed. He sat up shuffled through the junk on Jake’s floor before finding a certain DVD case. He stared at it, then back at Jake, then back at the case. He opened it to make sure it really was what it was, then hid the case behind his back. 

“Okay, so what did you have to tell me, Dirk?” Jake said, walking back over to him. He stood right in front of him, his knees nearly touching Dirk’s. 

He interrupted Dirk’s rehearsed line, “Is it about my biological grandson? I’ve heard you’ve been spending quite a lot of time with John, how’s that going?” 

A rush of a quite different feeling went through Dirk all at once when he let himself remember John again. Guy was probably wondering where the fuck he was. Remembering the way John had held him in his arms while he slept, the way he touched his cheek and hugged him with his whole body, Dirk was tempted to reach out and pull Jake right on top of him, to feel skin upon skin again. To feel those stupid lovesick feelings, but have the satisfaction of being fucked after. 

Dirk steaded his breathing, his hands shaking. Jake continued before Dirk was forced to explain his newly found anxiety. “He’s a hoot. Haven’t spent much time with him, not any more than any of us have, but he seems like a pleasant bloke. Jane and I did think it odd that you talked to him instead of us, but I can’t fault you. Sometimes you need some space from your chums. A few months, a few years. It’s healthy to have some space. So when you come back together, your relationship is stronger than ever! That’s my belief, anyways.” 

“I thought you just said you were mad at me for not answering your texts.” 

Jake waved away the comment, “No, no, it’s all in the past, all in the past. We must move forward with our lives! Look at all those possibilities and just say tally ho! And move on with our lives.” He took in a deep breath, “So, what do you think of John?” 

Dirk’s voice quivered, “Let’s not talk about John.” He revealed the DVD case and put it on top of his abs so Jake would have to squint to see it. 

“What have you got there?” 

“Seems I found a certain classic buried in your garbage.” 

Jake snatched away the case from Dirk and jumped in joy. “Blimey! You’ve found it! I can’t believe it! This is absolutely marvelous! We should watch it right now.” He looked to and fro. “I just need to find my laptop.” 

Dirk spread out his legs and leaned back. “Is there any way you’re going to thank me?” 

Jake raised an eyebrow. He stood there for a solid minute, attempting to interpret Dirk’s signaling. “Why, Dirk, you’re right, I should be more appreciative. Thank you very much.” He smiled and gave him a puzzled look. “Was that not what you were looking for?” 

“Come here, you bloody bugger, I think you know what I’m looking for,” growled Dirk, feeling about ready to throw up from having to use his same dumbfuck joke twice. Jake continued to look at him, puzzled. “Come here. Yeah. Just lean closer. There you go.” Dirk painstakingly watched Jake step forward and lean closer to him. Jake seemed prepared to have Dirk whisper something in his ear. Dirk put his arms around Jake’s neck, “You’re right Jake. About time healing wounds. I think that’s what you were fucking going on about anyway. So I was thinking,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “let’s get back together.” He bit Jake’s ear and started kissing Jake’s jawline. 

Dirk pulled his head back, then pulled Jake on the bed on top of him. He pushed Jake’s head down so their lips met. Dirk did it, not realizing that the soft lips he was imagining did not belong to the man he was kissing. Jake was still, barely putting any effort into kissing Dirk back. Jake kept his hands away from Dirk, doing his hardest to keep his chest from falling onto Dirk’s. Dirk pulled back and Jake quickly got back up. 

“That’s what you wanted to talk about,” said Jake, his voice high. He forced a chuckle, “I didn’t realize. God, I’m a plonker alright.” He blushed. “Even after all these years, you still want me. I guess I was right. A little time away from each other really does heal all wounds.” He laughed again, “Oh, well, what a day we’ve had. Well. First, I want to address that I think if we start our relationship again, we should go a bit slow this time. I think last time I was just intimidated by your macho,” He shook his head, trying to think of the right word, “thing going on. Not to say I didn’t enjoy the wrestling, but you got a little too into it sometimes. Oh! We can start with a movie date! By watching Weekend at Bernie’s!” Jake searched for his laptop again. 

Dirk slumped his shoulders. Jake came back with his laptop and put the movie in. He dragged a chest over so he could put the laptop on top and they could watch the movie without needing to sit right next to each other. “I’ll ask Tavros to make us popcorn.” 

Dirk got up. “Actually...I think I’ll head out for now. Now that you’ve got your necro movie and I’ve got…” Blue balls, still. “Yeah. I’m heading out. Glad we settled this. I’ll text you when we can hangout again. See you later,” He twisted his mouth around the words, “babe.” 

“See you later, Dirk.” He waved merrily, still caught in the euphoria of seeing the sequel to his favorite movie. “Find Tavros for me so we can watch the movie together.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

Dirk momentarily forgot the transportalizer and went down the stairs. He nearly ran into Tavros, who was floating at the bottom of the stairs. The fur on his neck stood up and he hissed. “No, uhh, listening to hear if you were pailing, is exactly not what I was doing. Stop it, no, don’t look at me like that.” 

Dirk rolled his eyes and continued his way out of the hell house.


	7. Chapter 7

“I’m dating Jake now.”  
John had to stop himself from choking as he took another hit from his pipe. “Wow, really? Jade’s grandpa? Well, I guess you’re Dave’s bro, so it’s not that weird. Still, it’s pretty crazy.” 

“Yeah, so don’t worry about my homosexual tendencies rubbing off on you and seeping into your skin anymore. I demand Jake to rub the pheromones off me every morning now, so it’s a non-issue.” 

“Gross.” 

After a long pause, John put an arm around Dirk’s shoulders. “I wasn’t too worried. I’m pretty sure I’m immune. If anyone would turn me gay, its you.” He chuckled, “And that hasn’t happened, sorry to say.” He stuck his tongue out, “Guess you lost at something.” 

Dirk snapped his fingers. “Here I was hoping to add another person to my track record of same-gender attraction conversion. I only need one to break Karkat’s streak.” 

“And two to beat mine,” said John, blowing smoke out onto Dirk’s face. He laughed and coughed. “I guess there’s just something about me that guys like.” He sighed exasperatedly and rolled his eyes. John’s face became neutral and his eyes wandered off as he held Dirk closer. 

“Not that I care about your love life or anything, but I’m sure those same qualities will get you a girl. Someday. We’ll use some time bullshit, it’ll work out.” 

“Hehe, yeah. For now, I’m just stuck with you and the guys,” joked John. He handed Dirk the pipe and snuggled into him. “But I’m sure you’ll be spending all that time with Jake now, anyway.” 

“Not all my time,” Dirk took the pipe from John. After a couple of hits, he was able to relax into John’s embrace. “Jake wants to take things slower this time,” Dirk said, a bit of aggravation hinted in his voice. John looked at Dirk, who quickly changed the subject, “Besides, I’m waiting to reap the benefits of you getting famous. You’re destined for it. Yeah, we’re all gods, but not all our alternate selves ended up starring on Night Court.” 

John took the pipe back from him and looked at him incredulously, “Harry Anderson? Who are you talking about?” 

“You, dumbass.” 

“Oh yeah!” He chuckled, “I forgot. Wow, crazy. Night Court starring me? It must not have been as good as Harry Anderson’s version though. I could never live up to that guy.” 

“They were about the same.” 

“Well, okay, if you say so. You’re just being easy on me cause you know me.” 

“Trust me, I’m not.” 

John smiled and rolled his eyes. He let his arm fall and snuck his hand around Dirk’s waist. Dirk pretended not to notice, but stiffened slightly. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Jake doing this. Huh. Both fortunately and unfortunately, that was enough for the excitement to die down in his pants. He breathed out calmly. John pulled Dirk closer to him, starting up the excitement again. 

“Straight faced stoner. Ready?” John said while smiling.

Dirk sighed, “John, I told you last time. I’m going to win. You can’t make me smile. Your goofy-ass is smiling more than the goddamn clowns on the walls.”

“Yeah, I know, but you like winning games, so it works out. So okay, ready? Ready? Let’s go.” John squeezed his lips together and forced them into a frown. 

Dirk, without any expression, stuck his tongue out and pushed up his nose in a sad attempt for a goofy face. John’s cheeks puffed up with air and he instinctively covered his mouth. Dirk returned his face to normal. “You make it too easy.” 

“Or maybe you’re just always funny to look at.” John couldn’t help but smile and Dirk pointed out his loss. John took a huge hit from the pipe. “Okay, let’s play again.” 

“Is this just an excuse to get you high?” 

“Uh, yeah. What do you think weed games are for, doofus? But I am determined to win one round, at least. Then I’ll use that strategy to win every round after that. See? My plan is foolproof.” 

“Except you didn’t take into account the fact that I’m not going to lose. I don’t smile. It’s not ingrained into my DNA. You fucked the ectobiology on that one.” 

“C’mon, I know that’s a lie. I’ve seen you smile when you look at me. You can’t help it.” John shook his finger and tapped Dirk’s nose. 

Dirk blushed, catching onto his breath for dear life. John laughed and pointed at Dirk’s face, “There, I saw it! It’s your turn, buddy.” He handed the pipe to Dirk, who tried to take a hit large enough to rival John’s. He choked a bit and handed John back the pipe while he coughed. 

“You cheated. That was a smirk, not a smile. Huge difference.” 

John shook his head, “Your lips moved up. It counts. Try again, that last one was pretty pathetic. Do I have to go back to holding it for you again?” 

Dirk took the pipe back and furrowed his brows. “No.” He took a nice, long hit and handed it back. 

John continued to giggle. John started to poke the fingers wrapped around Dirk’s waist into his abs. At first, it was only a small poke, but soon John was digging two of his fingers deep into the muscle, caressing the edges of each ab and pushing into the crevices between them. He gripped onto Dirk’s waist tightly, almost like a grope. Dirk could see John was smiling while doing whatever he was doing. “Trying to get a free feel?” 

“Sorry, am I being weird?” John’s face fell. He was about to pull his hand away when Dirk clasped his hand over John’s, lifted his shirt, and brought John’s hand to rest on his bare abs, flexing them slightly. John gasped, blushing. 

“I forgot you didn’t have a chance to feel them while touring the gun show. My second greatest achievement, sculpted by my own sweat and blood. No tears necessary. Just ruins the concrete recipe for these masterpieces. You can give them a quick feelsie if you’re willing to stroke my ego’s cock for a bit. I worked hard for these. By the way...straight faced stoner.” 

John quickly brought his smile down to a neutral expression. He continued to do what he was earlier, feeling every inch of Dirk’s six-pack. He bit on his lip, clearly trying his hardest to keep his expression neutral. Having to keep himself from giggling only made his blush more visible and his intentions more obvious. He steadied his breathing and spoke up in the hopes of breaking the tension he himself had created. “Is this how Jake touches you?” He dug his fingers in and massaged small circles into Dirk’s muscles. Dirk breathed out his nose and adjusted his position so his torso was stretched out flat for John’s viewing pleasure. Dirk slipped his hand under his shirt and pulled it far enough that John got a glimpse of Dirk’s chest scars. John took a small hit and set the pipe down so he could use both hands to feel up Dirk’s muscles. 

“No. Thanks for the free massage though, dude.” John’s fingers were resting on top of Dirk’s waistband, but he could ignore it. Dirk focused on his breathing, constantly checking to see if John’s smile had crept up his face again. Unfortunately, John was doing a good job of keeping a straight face. Dirk cussed himself out in his head, reminding himself that John was straight. He wasn’t getting the same amount of pleasure Dirk was getting out of this. Dirk wasn’t even entirely sure why John was doing this. Guilt started to twist into Dirk’s stomach, but John kept on untwisting it with his admittedly really good ab massages. 

“He doesn’t?” John fought back the smile forming on his lips. “Why’s that?” 

Dirk breathed out, “I told you, we’re taking it slow.”  
John raised an eyebrow. “But you’re letting me touch you like this, and we’re just friends.” 

“Jake’s sensitive about that shit. We’ve only had a couple dates anyway.” They were both movie dates where they sat on opposite sides of Jake’s bed, with Gcatavrosprite in the middle, but that was all personal information John was not entitled to. 

John’s mouth had somehow ended up right next to Dirk’s ear. “I thought you said he was getting the gay mucus off you every morning. Or were you lying about that to trick me?” John fake gasped. “You’re trying to get the mucus on me so you can add to your streak!” 

“It’s pheromones, and no, I have no reason to do that. Well, okay, the irony of you becoming gay while doing this has some comedic value, but I’m not doing that.” 

“Hmm, really? It’s still kind of suspicious.” John had started feeling Dirk’s pecs, and now his hands were traveling up to his biceps and shoulders. He rubbed his thumb under Dirk’s pec. “What are these?” 

“Scars,” he said matter of factly, breaking out into a sweat. 

He watched John stare down at the scars, his eyes bouncing around from one muscle to the other before finally saying, “Oh. Wild. So, I was thinking about this the other day, how weird it was that you and Jake dated. I mean, it’s weird that any of you guys were into each other since I always think about the versions of you guys from my timeline. Grandpa and Bro huh? That’s crazy! That’s what I thought when I learned about it.” John sunk his fingers into Dirk’s shoulders, rubbing into them, “Then my Nanna and Grandpa together? I know biologically Jake’s my dad but it’s still so weird to me. Roxy’s cooler than I thought she would be though, considering what Rose told me about her Mom.” 

“Well, maybe you should consider my position right now, John. I’m currently getting my muscles felt by my universe’s equivalent of young and sexy Harry Anderson.” 

John blushed and froze up, stopping his massages.

Dirk coughed. 

“I meant young and sexy in the general sense. Like a TV trope. You’ve heard of those, right John? You had access to that website?” 

“Of course I know what you’re talking about,” said John, his voice still clammed up. “It’s still not as weird as you being the young and sexy version of Dave’s brother.” 

Dirk nearly smirked when he realized what game John was playing. Dirk forced his smile down. “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be forced to make that association to me either. I’m already a shit enough person enough. I don’t need that guy to help.” 

John’s neutral expression turned to a frown. “Okay, we don’t need to bring that guy to the party. Let’s uh-” 

“No, since we’re on the topic, let’s get into this. Talk to me about my brother’s trauma and how it’s my fault. I’d love to hear it.” 

“Uhhh, are you being ironic right now?” 

“Clearly not, John. This is a very pleasant thing to talk about while you feel every inch of my body, why would we change topics?” 

“Okay, you are. Yeah, I get it, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” They looked away from each other, even though John’s hands were still on Dirk’s skin. 

After a few moments of silence, John’s hands started to move again, making their way down from Dirk’s shoulders back down his waist. “Oh, um, I brought that up because I was going to ask about you and Jake. I heard it didn’t end very well last time, so I’m wondering how you’re making it work this time. I think I need to start reconnecting with people too. Jane’s not even that far but I don’t really visit that often.” John sighed. 

Dirk kept his eyes away from John. “Neither do I.” 

“You only talked to Jake?” 

Dirk remained silent. 

John glared at him, suspicious. “Did you talk to him right after we hung out-”

“No. I just happened to find him.” 

They sat in silence, their minds completely torn away from the weed they were smoking or the game they had been playing. John grumbled. He looked down at his leg, which was pushing into Dirk’s. He gripped Dirk’s waist with one of his hands, freezing Dirk midbreath. “Would you rather be hanging out with him right now?” 

Dirk thought out his next words carefully, crafting them so there could be no room for misinterpretation or correct interpretation that might lead to the truth. “No. He doesn’t smoke weed.” 

John scoffed. “So that’s all you see me as? A free weed dispenser?” 

Fuck. Dirk thought of another answer, his mind scrambling and trying to think of the outcome of each of his possible answers. He did not calculate that John would continue talking. “Cause I don’t think you do. I can tell we’re good friends. And, well. I have certain theories. I can be a dummy though.” 

“Certain theories?” 

“Yeah.” John brought his mouth right next to Dirk’s ear, his teeth nearly biting Dirk’s earlobe. He used his arm to hug Dirk closer to him, while sliding his hand down Dirk’s waist, feeling the line that led down to Dirk’s crotch. “That you might be into me.” 

He breathed out a warm breath that sent a chill down Dirk’s spine. John slowly pressed his lips up against Dirk’s cheek. He gave Dirk a couple of drawn-out kisses on the cheek, a gentle hum buzzing behind each kiss. Dirk, overwhelmed by the blood pumping throughout his body, was barely aware of John’s fingers sneaking under Dirk’s waistband. When he fully realized where John’s hand was going, a stifled moan escaped Dirk’s lips, which were twisting into a half sort of smile. 

John pulled his hand back and let the waistband snap, leaving Dirk in a state of arousal and confusion. 

John was silent for only a few seconds before going into a fit of giggles, nearly falling off the sofa with his laughter. “Guess what! I won, loser! I didn’t think I was going to pull it through, but good thing I’m a genius. I knew you’d like my joke.” John picked up the pipe and refilled it so Dirk could take the giant hit he deserved for his failure. 

“Your joke?” 

“Yeah, my joke. What? You said it would be funny if you turned me gay, so I was like, playing along with it. You were trying to stop yourself from laughing at my gay impression, weren’t you? I know you’re not into me.” John’s voice quivered slightly, “You’re dating Jake! He’s nothing like me. Besides the movies, and the glasses, and the hair, and being my biological dad...basically nothing.” 

Dirk stood up, pulling his shirt down and crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, you impressed me with your homo impression. Almost fell for it. You strayed away from stereotypes. Good on you. I didn’t expect that much.”

“Should I have added this?” John let his wrist go limp. Dirk glared at him before John snorted and covered his chuckling mouth. Dirk rubbed his arms as if he were shivering and looked around the room. “I didn’t actually offend you did I? I’m sorry, I might have taken it too far.” 

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine. I don’t care. Hand me the pipe.” Dirk took the pipe and breathed in like it was the last breath of his life. He kept the smoke in his lungs for a while, appreciating the feeling of something burning up his insides that weren’t his emotions running around like a bunch of sissy idiots. “Just don’t do it again. Jokes aren’t as funny the second time around. You should know this, Mr. Comedian.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I do. I guess I’ll have to use a new strategy to get you to smile next time then. Hmm.” John perked up, noticing something. “Are you not going to sit back down, Dirk?” 

“Actually, I think I should head out soon. To-” 

John scoffed, “Keep up your busy schedule, I know. Work on your abs and whatever other silly things you do by yourself. You should invite someone to visit you up there sometime, it seems fun.” His eyes lit up, “You’ve got swords and all that don’t you? That’s pretty cool.” 

“You think so? Guess they do have some objective coolness lacking in all the other ironic objects I keep around me at all times. I got used to seeing them so much I never stopped to think they were impressive in any way.” 

“Well, they do sound cool. Oh, I heard you have a hoverboard too. We should ride that around.”

Dirk took another hit from the pipe. “I don’t trust you to ride it on your own, especially if we decide to toke it up before we go on a joyride.” 

“So you want to ride it together? You think there’s enough room for the both of us?” 

“I can check.” He also could redesign and rebuild that fucking hunk of scrap metal until it could hold the two of them because he wasn’t letting something as small as gravity bring him down. 

“Cool! Oh, uhh! Before you leave! Fuck, I totally forgot.” John got up and ran to the kitchen, then came back with a bag of cookies and a note. “I had Jane bake you, well okay I admit I ate a couple, but I had her bake you some edibles. She told me to give you this too.” He handed Dirk the note, took back his pipe, then handed him the bag. 

Dirk opened the note slightly, recognizing Jane’s handwriting. He closed it again and nodded. “Uh, tell her…” He looked to the side.

John pat him on the shoulder. “It’s okay if you can’t think of how to thank her. You can just tell her yourself. She doesn’t live far from here.” He gave him a hearty clap on the shoulder and then sat back down on his sofa. Dirk noticed him reach towards one of the bottles on the floor, then pull his hand back. 

“See you soon then,” said Dirk. 

He walked towards the door. He looked at what he was holding, that same feeling of guilt twisting its knife into his stomach again. His hand was on the doorknob when he heard John speak up again. 

“See you soon, unless you start getting busy with Jake,” John teased. John chuckled and Dirk twisted the doorknob. He heard the sound of glass being picked up and he turned back towards John, seeing him holding one of the beer bottles. Dirk’s stomach clenched. John was already focused on his phone, finishing off the rest of the bottle. Dirk hesitated to move again, his hand squeezing the doorknob. He watched John finish off the bottle, then made his way out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones pretty long. i essentially wrote a whole fanfic of dirk and jane fluff because I felt that she deserved it

Dirk stood outside of Jane’s door. The outside of the home was exactly like John’s, but with a makeover. It was painted a light blue with new trim and plants to really make it look like a grandmother’s home. He went up the front steps and half-expected a waft of warm gingersnap aroma to float out the window. He stood on the welcome mat, noticing the variety of garden stone animals greeting him. Dirk then knocked, wondering if he should just head back home. Then someone answered the door. 

After seeing the hat sitting on top of the man’s head, Dirk didn’t need to see the rest of him to know it was Jane’s dad. Dirk tried to step around him, but Jane’s dad was not letting Dirk escape his fatherly disapproving stare. So Dirk stood there silently with his hands in his pockets, each waiting for the other to move. Then, remembering Jane’s dad wasn’t really her father, Dirk gained a surge of fake confidence. Jane’s dad continued to glare at him but decided to let Dirk step through. Dirk stepped inside while Jane’s dad sat on the couch, refilling his tobacco pipe and opening an old newspaper, most likely just to read the funnies. 

Inside, the house was fairly similar to John’s, with a few major changes. One of those being an actual fucking railing on the staircase. Thank God. Dirk didn’t want to have to lecture Jane the same way he had lectured John about basic safety code. There were several more decorations in the home than John’s, most notably a significant amount of doilies and framed pictures. Dirk walked up to the table next to the couch and picked up a small frame. It was a picture of Jane, him, Jake, and Roxy all taking a selfie together. Everyone was smiling widely except for him. 

Dirk flinched from the sound of a crash. Jane’s Dad looked up towards where Jane’s room was and sighed, flipping a page of his newspaper. Dirk set the frame down and ran up the stairs, two at a time. He slowed down when he got to Jane’s door, thinking of what he would say. Should he talk about how it felt like everyone was working together to guilt him for not spending more time with her? Or how she was acting hypocritical, since the last time he had spent time with her she said she was busy too? 

Or how he missed her?

...

He knocked on the door. 

“Oh, phooey, what is it now? I told you I was busy, I need to get this report sent out by Monday.” He heard shuffling of papers and the beeps of a landline.

Dirk opened the door. “Hey.” 

Jane had a phone squished between her shoulder and her face, one hand typing numbers and the other scribbling on a notepad. Her entire corner was taken over by desks, each covered with assortments of files, notes, and agendas. Her posters had been taken down, now replaced with tasteful, framed Noir film posters. Other than her Problem Sleuth poster, which was still hung up by the same thumbtacks. A glance of her bookshelf revealed all her detective novels had been replaced with binders of reports and leftover copies of her newly published cookbooks. Except for the one book Dirk had rested his hand on. He moved his hand out of the way, revealing the book to be a ratted copy of...Dirk curled his fingers back, a knot forming in his throat. 

A gasp. “Dirk! You didn’t tell me you were coming. Come here and give me a hug.” Jane stood up. She was wearing business casual, most likely having come back from a meeting that day. Dirk walked over and let Jane wrap her arms around him. She snuggled her face into his chest and he continued to keep his eyes on the ceiling. Jane stepped back and clapped her hands together. “Aw, look at you.” She pinched his cheek, “It’s been so long. All that testosterone almost makes you unrecognizable.” 

Dirk pushed Jane’s hand away. “Before you call me a whippersnapper, can we talk about this?” Dirk picked up the book and turned back to her. “Are you reading this? I didn’t even know this still fucking existed. Jane, every year of my life I must struggle with considering myself the most wise being in existence and that stupid AI was supposed to be the last evidence left of my unbelievably annoying arrogance. Burn this.” 

Jane gently took away the book from Dirk’s hand. “No, it’s very amusing. I enjoy reading it during my afternoon snack.” Dirk now noticed the book had post-it notes in it. Jane flipped to one. “I must be honest, when you first sent it to me, I did not make it past the first chapter. You have a very antiquated vernacular when you write. It’s quite alienating to an audience with ‘less brain capacity’ than yours. Especially me, when I was twelve years old, desperately trying to understand my outlandish internet friend. Why don’t we read some together?” Jane cleared her throat. Dirk hit the book out of her hand before she could start reciting the entirety of the infamous Long cat is long monologue. 

“Don’t read that shit in front of me. I wouldn’t do that to you if our roles were reversed. That shit’s more cruel than the Inquisition.” 

Jane giggled, “Hoo hoo, you’re adorable when you’re embarrassed.” She picked up the book and set it down on her desk, on top of her agenda. “So what are you here for then? A few minutes of discussion on how annoying you were as a teenager? We could have done that over text.”

Dirk let his weight sink into the floor and stared at his shoes. “I was just here to thank you for…” He scratched the back of his head and looked away awkwardly, “The edibles. I haven’t finished them yet but John did give me a whole bag of them.” 

Jane smirked. “You’re welcome, Dirk.” She punched his shoulder. “I know it may not sound sincere over text, but I am genuinely thankful you and John are becoming friends.” 

“Yeah...yeah.” Dirk sat on the edge of Jane’s bed. 

Jane sat next to him, tilting her head slightly. “Is something wrong?” 

“Huh. No. No, the opposite actually,” Dirk said one right after the other. 

“Oh?” 

Dirk forced his lips up, but did not have the capacity to twist them into a fake smile. “Yeah. Jake and I got back together recently.” 

Jane’s smile faded. It was replaced with confusion, then distress, then even more confusion. She looked away from him and adjusted her glasses. “I thought you were over him, Dirk. Remember? We both were?” She looked at him through the corner of her eye. 

“Well, uh. Yeah, I was. I-,” Dirk clenched his jaw. Jane was acting completely reasonable, but that did not stop Dirk from finding it outlandish. God fucking dammit. He should have gone to Roxy first. “I got over the guy, then I got into him again. Completely natural. It’s healthy to have a break from a relationship for a while and come back to it once you feel the same sparks.” 

“Do you?” asked Jane, raising an eyebrow. 

Once again, Dirk took a while to respond. “I’m sure I will.” 

She turned to him with a glare. “Dirk.” 

Dirk shrugged. “What’s the problem? It’s my business what happens between me and Jake. We’ll figure something out. After all, it’s not like there are that many options.” Dirk hissed “Shit” under his breath. He was being sloppy. Instead of creating the usual labyrinth for Jane to use her detective skills to lose herself in, he was leaving a fucking breadcrumb trail to lead straight towards the motivations behind his actions. 

Jane grumbled. She adjusted her glasses and skirt, keeping her eyes away from Dirk. “Out of all the people on this planet, I am aware that there aren’t that many options. Dirk…” 

He hunched his shoulders and dug his fingers into the bed sheets. 

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t involve ourselves with him romantically. I mean, besides the fact that it's a bit rude to date the person we both agreed not to date anymore, it also sounds like you’re being fucking stupid.” Her voice suddenly rose. 

Dirk looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Excuse me?” 

Jane huffed and kept her sight away from him. 

Dirk shuffled in place, still expecting a response, but Jane still did not give one. “I’d say you sound a bit fucking miffed right now.” 

“Mhm. I am a bit miffed right now, you got that right. I said you’re acting stupid, as usual. As much as you claim to grow and change as a person you always end up doing the dumbest shit don’t you? Maybe if you would listen to your friends every once in a while this wouldn’t happen. Are you happy, dating Jake?” 

Dirk fell silent. No part of him knew how to answer that question or if that answer would be true. He slid his foot down on the floor, ready to leave, but his heart sunk. Running away like a fucking coward. What was he thinking? After another minute of painful silence, Dirk looked his fear in the eyes. Maybe not directly at them. Somewhere to the left of them. “I’ll be happy.” Dirk’s heart sunk with the words. Even before Jane gave any reaction, his tongue and guts were twisted around the answer he had given. 

Jane rolled her eyes and sighed. “Well, I’m glad. I hope you can have a happy future together.” She placed a hand on Dirk’s and smiled slightly, but a forlorn atmosphere still filled the space between them. Dirk sunk back into the bed and stayed still, staring at the hand resting on top of his own. Jane seemed confused until she noticed where he was looking, then shyly moved her hand away. Dirk looked back up and cleared his throat before shuffling closer to her. 

Jane’s face finally lightened up. She managed to get her arm around Dirk’s shoulders, pushing them down so the two could theoretically meet eye to eye. “I’m sorry Dirk, I don’t want to judge you so harshly, but I just want to make sure you’re doing what makes you happy. I know you can be silly and self-destruct every so often. I’ve caught onto your ploys for attention, just so you know, and I’m purposefully falling down every single one of your rabbit holes so I can lead you out of there.” 

Dirk leaned on her slightly. “Well there’s no Wonderlands down those rabbit holes so I have no fucking clue why you’re going down there.” He sighed and let his shoulders relax. 

“I’m sure there’s a mad hatter or two in whatever magical land is down there though. Probably many horses, if it’s your psyche we’re discussing. Some detective ponies.” She giggled. 

“Stop. I thought I told you we’re not going to talk about that,” he said, trying to sound monotone, but his voice lilted enough for Jane to catch his embarrassment. She giggled again. He crossed his arms and blushed. Jane stuck her tongue out and got up to grab her laptop. 

“Do you have enough time to take me up on my offer? It’s been a while, so I don’t know if you remember-” 

“It’s Parks and Rec. No one calls it Parks and Recreation.” 

“Oh! So is that a yes?” 

“Well, if you have the time...then I guess I do too.” He slapped his forehead with his hand. “Wow. I’m a fucking dipshit. I could have brought the edibles here and we could have shared the absolute bliss they’ve been giving me this past week. We could have been high as hell while grieving over Lil’ Seb. Damn.” 

“Grieving? What happens to Lil’ Sebastian?” 

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” 

Jane set her laptop down and looked all around. She gasped. “We could have a sleepover. Since we never had the chance to have one before? Too busy with the silly game to even think about it.” She grumbled to herself, “My birthday could have been one, but oh well. Then we will have enough time to binge watch an entire season.” 

“Well, I don’t know if I can do that. I didn’t exactly bring sleepwear.” 

“Don’t mess with me. I know you just wear your same clothes to sleep. Sometimes I doubt if you even take off your jeans. You probably just sleep where you’re standing like a horse.” 

Dirk’s mind, conflating the image of himself sleeping standing up with the beauty of truly being a horse, was not unhappy with Jane’s suggestion. “I’ll choose to neither deny nor confirm that fact about myself. I guess I can stay for the night.” The pain in Dirk’s chest started to ease from Jane’s wide smile. Wow. Maybe his actions didn’t always have awful consequences. Occasionally. There was no promise that would be true ever again though. 

Jane ran over and grabbed some pajamas. Light blue lounge pants with polka dots and a shirt with some sort of text on it. Then she ran over to go get changed in a bathroom. Dirk got himself comfortable on Jane’s bed. As in, slightly less stiff. He continued to stare at the ground, trying to analyze Jane’s reaction to him dating Jake. Logically, it made no sense. 

She was mad but she supported his decision to date Jake? What the hell did that mean? She was hiding something, she had to be. Maybe she was still into him. Who could blame the woman? Jake was a steaming hunk. Uh. Twunk. Probably. Were women into twunks? Dirk’s mind got lost in a tangent that was interrupted by Jane shuffling her bunny slippered feet back into the room. 

Her archaic shirt was emblazoned with the words, “I bake because punching people is frowned upon”. She puffed up her cheeks when Dirk visibly cringed. 

“I knew you wouldn’t like it, you don’t need to tell me.” 

“God, Jane. You’re asking a lot right now if you want me to let you wear that with no comment. Jesus Christ. That’s T-shirt sacrilege. The media is going to call you the next baking themed dictator if you wear that shit around.” 

She sighed and rolled her eyes, then sat on the bed. She opened up her computer. Before finding the episodes to stream, she pensively tapped on her chin with her finger. “You know, if you still want to get baked, we can. I could invite John over and he can bring his supply. Doesn’t that sound fun?” 

His heart was struck. He thought they were done with the topic of John. So, his next words were admittedly rushed. “No, fuck that. This is time for just you and me to hangout. We don’t need to add your son into the mix.” 

“Is something wrong? Did something happen between you two?” 

Dirk’s face started to warm and his heart fluttered. He gripped onto the sheets. “No,” he said, too tersely for it to be honest. 

“Oh?” She said, smiling slightly. Fucking dammit. He had piqued her interest. 

“Can you not hear? I said no.” He said through grit teeth. 

“Hoo hoo. I know that’s what you said, but that’s not what I heard with my detective skills. There seems to be some holes in your witness account. Hand me a pipe and my hat, because we have a case on our hands.” She continued to giggle long enough that Dirk took the laptop from her and searched for the Parks and Rec episodes himself. 

“Your giggle fits are worse than John’s.” 

“Well, obviously. I am the master of pranks and giggles. John is only an amateur.” She caught her breath and pointed to the episode she was on. Early Season 3. “You know, he tells me about you all the time. Asks why you’re so weird. I don’t really know what to tell him. He probably misses you right now, even if you got into a fight. We should invite him over. I don’t have many days where I can let myself loose with some marijuana.” 

“I’ll decapitate myself again if you don’t shut up about this,” said Dirk, starting to play the episode. Jane hit the spacebar to pause it. 

“Dirk, I’m going to get to the bottom of this even if it kills both of us. Remember, we’re both godtier.” 

Dirk hit the spacebar again. Jane shifted her hand and Dirk got ready to swat it. They both kept on looking at each other’s hands. Now that it was becoming a game, they were both determined to win. Jane let her hand back and Dirk got ready for a sneak attack, but it didn’t come. He kept his hand stiff, ready for it for the next couple of minutes. Finally, halfway through the episode, he started to relax his hand. That was when Jane slapped hers onto the space bar. 

“So what happened between you two?” 

“Am I really getting grilled for this? Nothing. Fucking nothing. We just smoke weed together like a couple of assholes in a stoner comedy. Dude where’s my car? No car edition because it’s parked right outside. I’m sure John hasn’t even driven the damn thing since I fixed his steering wheel.” Every inch of Dirk’s body was brimming with emotion, and he knew that Jane could tell. If he was the coward he used to be (only ten minutes prior), he would get up and run away from this like a sensible person. Instead, Dirk stayed planted where he was.

She scratched her chin and nodded, assessing all of Dirk’s body language and tone. “Hm. You seem reluctant to comply with this interrogation. Why’s that, may I ask? Is it because you have something to hide?” 

“No.” 

“That’s what someone who had something to hide would say.” 

“That’s also what someone who had nothing to hide would say. I’m not falling for your questioning tactics. I’ve seen all the shitty detective movies you’ve seen.” 

She furrowed her brows. “This is not a time to make claims against my character. Or my movie preferences.” She held the imaginary tobacco pipe in her hand and scratched her head. “I need to review the evidence and get some more witness accounts.” Jane took out her phone. And. Dear fuck. Dirk scurried to take the phone out of her hands. “Hey!” 

“Just. Sh. Stop snooping on my business with John. Okay. It’s private.” 

She scrunched her nose. “You know, you’re making it sound even worse than it probably is. From what you’re saying it makes you sound like you’re having gay sex.” 

His entire face flushed and he clenched his jaw. “You’re being absolutely fucking ridiculous. I’m having sex with Jake. Why would I cheat on him with the fat, hairy version of him? That’s dumb as hell.” 

“Wait. You’re actually having sex with Jake?” She laughed. “How far did you get? Second base?” 

He paused. “Uh. Well. Theoretically speaking, I did.” 

“Theoretically?” 

“In a spiritual sense, I am always having gay sex with Jake.” 

“So you lied?” 

“No.” 

Jane rolled her eyes yet again. “You’re going to make my pupils get stuck looking at the back of my head at this rate, Dirk.” She rested her cheek on his shoulder and pressed play on the video. They continued to watch the rest of the episode, and then the next, and the next, with no issues. By that point, Jane was able to retrieve her phone from Dirk’s clutches before he could notice. She started texting several people. 

“You’re missing your man,” said Dirk. 

“Huh? Is my dear Ron on screen?” Jane lowered her phone enough that Dirk could see the screen. He glanced over. 

GA: So You Are Need Of Some Assistance Interfering With a Relationship That Does Not Concern You? I May Be Of Some Help. Depending On The Parties Involved.  
GG: How did you find out about that?   
GA: Let Us Just Say That I Have An Astute Connection Network With All Those Involved In Our Original Friend Group, As Well As Many Of The Trolls On This Planet. I Like To Keep Myself Involved In The Knowhow.   
GG: Do you mean that Roxy told Rose who told you?   
GA: Yes, You May Phrase It In That Way. Rose Had No Interest, So I Decided To Take The Helm.   
GA: In Rose's Words: She Cares As Much About Her Biological Father's Drama With Her Self Destructive Best Friend As Much As The Thrill Of Drinking Bleach Does Not Interest Her.  
GA: That Means Not A Lot.  
GG: Well, I don’t know how you could help me. I don’t have much information. It may be a red herring.   
GA: Even Red Herrings Are Worth Catching On The Occasion.  
GA: Those Are Fish, Correct?   
GG: Yes, yes they are.   
GA: Do Not Concern Yourself On How I Will Obtain the Information. I Have Some Semblance Of An Idea. First I Will Have To Find His Chumhandle.  
GA: TimaeusTestified? Peculiar. I Suppose It Fits His Personality Then. 

Surely enough, Dirk felt a buzz from his phone. He immediately checked it. 

GA: I Must Warn You That Someone Is Spreading Rumours About Your Character That Have Traveled Far Enough To Even Reach Alternian Hear Ducts. I Recommend That You Inform Me Of The True Nature Surrounding These Rumours As So I Can Quench Their Increasingly Spreading Flames. It Is Quite Titillating Gossip, I Must Say, So You Should Tell Me Everything About You And John Before They Spread Any Farther. 

Dirk put his phone down and looked directly at Jane, who shrugged and angrily tapped on her phone, clearly telling Kanaya that what she said was really stupid. 

“Jane, if you are so interested in finding out my secret, you could just ask me directly and politely.”

“Then you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” 

“Yeah, and what’s wrong with that? Fuck, I mean. I did tell you the truth before. Nothing is going on between me and John. No fights and nothing else either. Not even that stupid troll romance bullshit. Yeah Jane, I’m in fucking kickmessesies with your son, John Egbert. Does that make you happy? Does that satisfy your thirst for answers?” 

Jane shook her head. “No. This is the most interesting thing that has happened since we started our adult lives. Dirk, I have all of eternity to uncover why you do not want to invite John over right now.” 

“Now it’s because it’s late. It’s nightfall and that dude is definitely high and maybe drunk right now. He’d figure out a way to crash his car on an empty road.” It wasn’t until Jane shuddered that Dirk realized that might have been a sore subject. 

“Okay, yes, maybe you are right about that.” She fell silent. Dirk wondered if he had actually managed to keep her away from the subject before Jane got off the bed. 

“Let’s go make some popcorn.” She gestured for Dirk to follow and he obliged. They snuck through the dark house as if they were kids staying up too late, despite the fact that Jane’s Dad was asleep in bed by that point. They reached the kitchen and Jane put some popcorn in the microwave. Dirk instinctively went towards the fridge, expecting orange soda to be there. He pulled his hand back. Why would Jane have orange soda? He glanced around the house. Oh, he was mistaking the kitchen for John’s. Where he indeed, kept a stock of orange soda, just for Dirk. 

“How’s your CEO gig?” asked Dirk as he grabbed a pomegranate Pellegrino. Close enough. 

“A bit overwhelming, admittedly. I’m not sure if I am cut out for such a cutthroat position. I was not a large fan of my predecessor’s tactics, after all.” She shivered. “But I enjoy creating the recipes and the cookbooks. Speaking of, one of my newest recipes is still in the fridge if you want to try it.” 

Dirk looked back in. Wrapped in plastic were some of those...whatever the fuck they were called. Cookies with powder on them and they looked kind of wrinkly. Dirk could not get his finger on the word for chocolate crinkle cookies because he never needed to know the name before. He decided to try one. 

“What do you think?” 

He smacked his lips and shrugged. “Not a big fan of chocolate, but it’s fine.” He grabbed another one anyway and Jane smiled. She took out the bag of popcorn and started walking back to her room, the scent of her father’s tobacco still permeating the living room. 

“We should paint our nails, doesn’t that sound fun?” 

“I know I agreed to a sleepover but I did not consent to the girly shit also. This is a sleepover, not a slumber party. Culturally, there is a difference.” 

“If Roxy were here, she would want to paint nails, and you can’t disagree with her, because she’s always right. So you should let me paint your nails. Don’t worry, I’ll paint them black.” 

“No.” 

“Oh! We can watch things here now.” Jane sat on the couch and turned on the TV. Dirk hesitated in front of the couch. He was at odds with the familiarity that he longed for, yet wanted to run away from. This couch was pristine compared to the one he was thinking of, but it was still enough to be an issue. He sat next to Jane, sitting up so straight that he looked like a statue. They were back to watching Parks and Rec, but that did not stop Jane from continuing to suggest things to do. 

“We could draw ponysonas again. I need to update my old one.” 

“I have never drawn my ponysona.” 

Jane fumbled for her phone and quickly found an image. It was, in fact, Dirk’s “ironic” ponysona. Fuck. It was an orange unicorn with a stupid blonde mane. It was levitating a sword and graced upon its flank was a puppet cutie mark. Specifically, Lil’Cal. 

“That’s not mine. Hal grew some arms and drew that shit. I would never make myself a unicorn. I’d be a pegasus. My talent would not be puppetry. Everyone knows the stupid fucking puppets are just an ironic side interest.” He scoffed. “Like who would ever think that puppet was not just my ironic set piece.” His stomach twisted after calling Lil’Cal an ironic set piece. “Guess whoever drew this didn’t have the talent to draw Irony without words.” 

“Dirk, your signature is right there. See, this one’s mine.” She showed her pony. A light blue horse with short black hair. A perfectly, sensible Earth pony. Jane’s simple design was beyond even adult Dirk’s capacity. “I forgot to give her glasses because I didn’t know the ponies could wear them. Now I do. Calliope wants to see our new versions.” 

“Calliope wants to see our ponysonas?” 

“Yes! She’s really interested in yours. Look, these are everyone else's.” She proceeded to show him Calliope’s, Roxy’s, Jade’s and even Dave and Karkat’s ponysonas. In his heart he knew he should let Calliope make herself an alicorn without comment, but it was difficult. Dirk had several other critiques about certain design elements that did not belong on classic My Little Pony Friendship is Magic characters, but decided to let it slide. For now. 

“I’ll draw mine when I get home.” 

They kept on watching Parks and Rec, creeping ever closer to the fated Lil Sebastian funeral. Dirk was already embracing himself for the emotional impact this would have on Jane, and not him. He opened his phone. No new messages from anyone. He checked the chat with dark blue text. Yeah. Not even him. 

Jane glanced at him. She opened her mouth, but decided to close it again. She sat closer and leaned on him affectionately. Dirk could still see her wandering eyes though. 

Dirk spoke up. “I’ll admit I have some issue with the fact that John and I haven’t talked in a while. Nothing happened though.” 

“Oh…Is this all because you’re worried about repeating what happened with Jake?” 

“What?” 

Jane stuttered, “Well, it just appeared that way to me. That the reason why you’re nervous about talking to John again is because of all the rude things Jake said about you messaging him too much. It’s okay if you want to message John again. He’s not a rude guy. Unlike certain doofuses with unnatural british dialects.” 

“That’s not-why would that be the issue? How would you know that?” 

“Are you foreign to the idea of emotional intelligence, Dirk? I can tell from the way you look at those chatlogs. Goodness. You and Jake really do have one thing in common.” 

“What? Let me guess. That we’re assholes?” 

“No, that you’re both blockheads. I can never get anything into either of your heads. You do not understand how frustrating it was to coordinate a whole universe creation game with you two.” 

“I’m sure it was rather difficult.” 

“Yes! Yes it was.” Her frustration quickly turned to giggles. “But we got through it somehow!” She smiled and snuggled into him again. “So, anyway, you should message John.” 

Dirk rubbed his neck, trying to push out the frog residing in his throat. “When I get home. We’re hanging out right now.” 

She nodded. They watched for another fifteen minutes before she brought it up again. “When you spend time with him again can you tell him...that um. That his family is worried about him? I’m not sure how to best get it through his head but, it does worry me to see him wasted all the time. I also think Rose is reasonably angry at him. So, just let him know. Or,” she stifled a snort, “I’ve had this awful prank idea. Do you want to hear it?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I was planning to switch his beer with non-alcoholic. A reverse spike. I’m not sure if it’s as gut-busting as I think it is but-” 

“Nah, that’s pretty dope actually. When he finds out, I’m blaming you.” 

She laughed softly. “Sure.” She went back to leaning on Dirk, her eyes starting to become heavy. Another episode. He saw the Title. Fuck. They were real close to that lil’ guys’ tragic death. 

“Dirk,” she spoke up. 

“Yeah?” 

“I have now gathered enough evidence and witness accounts to deduce a significant amount about this case,” she said sleepily, “and I would like to ask you one final interrogation question to finally close the lid on this case.” She yawned. 

“Yes?” 

She paused, most likely for dramatic effect. Dirk was relaxed, expecting another question about the imaginary fight John and him had gotten into, or maybe even further questions about John’s concerning alcoholism. Yet, that all toppled down when her real question came to light. Jane shone that stupid lamp on the interrogation table directly into his eyes, catching him like a deer caught in headlights. “Are you romantically interested in John?” 

As if poetry, Jane’s question coincided with one of the most dramatic lines ever heard in Parks and Rec. 

“Lil’Sebastian...is dead.” 

Jane’s head snapped back to the television. Her whole body shook, just as Dirk’s did. Her voice was only hoarse whispers, her mind unable to comprehend the tragedy that was unfolding before them. 

Her eyes were stinging and behind his anime shades, so were Dirk’s. From seeing Jane almost cry, obviously. “No, no, it can’t be. Are you-Dirk, it’s just a gag right? Right, Dirk?” She clung to his shirt. “Dirk, tell me it is just a gag.” 

Dirk hung his head low and shook his head. Horrified, Jane looked back to the screen. The episode was continuing on. Thankfully, the whole episode was in memoriam to Lil’ Seb, but even so, how could the show really move on without its single most important character? 

“This isn’t right. No, no, it can’t be.” Jane continued to shake her head at the screen and shake her fists at heaven. She sniffled, and a single tear fell down her cheek. “He’s dead? He’s really dead?” She wrapped her hands around Dirk and stuffed her face in his chest, bawling. Dirk stiffly kept his arm over the top of her back in what he assumed to be a comforting way. 

How could the universe move on without Lil’ Seb? How could any one of us move on without Lil’ Seb? That horse was a part of our hearts, dammit. Maybe Dirk loved Jake. Scratch that. Maybe Dirk loved Jane and John and all his friends, but you know who he really loved? That fucking miniature horse. It hit him all at once. His ironic love for that horse. Was it truly ironic, if he still felt a hole in his heart from its loss? If he still wanted to see its beautiful horse rump walk its way around Pawnee, Indiana, a town that never once existed and for sure did not exist now? Lil’Seb. He even named that bunny after him. He tightened his grasp around Jane, feeling like he lost something that belonged in his arms. 

Lil’...Lil’...Fuck. He wasn’t thinking of that horse after all. He looked all around in a panic, hoping to catch the glimpse of a strange puppet in the corner of his eye. God. Fuck. 

Dirk’s mind was unable to  
Where was he?  
keep a coherent.  
Where the fuck was he?  
train of thoughts.  
Where the fuck was Lil’Cal? 

Dirk’s body started to tremble, remembering where Lil’Cal was and would always be. His heart sunk deeper than it ever had before, lodged in his guts somewhere, lost within their knots. He kept his throat tight, stopping himself from hiccuping tears. This was so fucking pathetic, he told himself, yet a few tears managed to leak their way out of his eyes. Really pathetic. If Jane found out, he’d kill himself right then and there. He was sure there were enough things in the kitchen he could decapitate himself with. 

Thankfully, Jane did not notice, too focused on her own sorrow of Lil’Sebastian. They decided to stop watching after that episode, still sniffling. They needed time to mourn. Jane gave one final sniff and wiped the tears under her glasses.

She blushed. “That was rather silly of me. I got carried away there. I was just so invested in him, since he is the best character besides Ron. I think I might have been crying about more than just the little horsie.” 

“Yeah, I understand that,” said Dirk, stone faced once again. “You should go to sleep.” 

“Yes, I agree. We should both go to sleep.” She yawned, barely able to stay awake long enough to even say those words. 

Dirk stood up and moved Jane so that her head could rest on a pillow. He took off her glasses and set them on the couchside table, then for a couple minutes, tried to see if falling asleep like a horse would really work. Unfortunately, because this night could only get worse, it did not work. He laid down on the floor and, without a pillow or blanket, decided to test his survival capabilities if stranded in the wilderness with no sleeping bag. So he rolled up in a fetal position, continuing to imagine a certain plush puppet in his arms, and fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV switch to John

Three weeks since he last texted Dirk, or anyone, John woke up in a haze. He put a hand on his throbbing forehead. Shit. He reached for another beer. The only real cure to a hangover was more alcohol, obviously. Just a little beer. Not breaking into the hard stuff. He looked up, not feeling his hand grasp anything. The case of beer he had brought up with him was empty. He grunted and rolled onto his side, his eyes heavy. He sighed and closed his eyes again, hoping to nap it off. Twenty minutes later, still awake, John shuffled in bed. 

He could...he didn’t know. The weed was all the way downstairs. John didn’t care to remember if there was any more beer. There was some gurgling in his throat, and stinging in his eyes. So maybe he should lay off the fun shit for a day. 

He gripped his hand around his stomach, nausea crawling up his throat and into his mouth. He coughed, feeling acid trap itself in the back of his throat and sting his nostrils. He swallowed it down and sat up. John breathed in deeply, promising to himself he wouldn’t vomit. He put his glasses back on and leaned back onto the wall, letting his shoulders slump. Eyes on the ceiling, time had to be passing somewhere. The clock on John’s bedside table was frozen for all he could care. Nothing on that ceiling was changing, so who was to say anything else was? He stayed half bundled in his sheets for a while. Randomly, he was brought back to a memory of talking to Jade. Only bits and pieces, going from discussing their home life to the game and her weird dreams. Prophetic clouds were no longer casting their shadow on them though. Now John was being stupid, looking at a blank ceiling, imagining that the clouds were there. He sighed. He shouldn’t be dwelling on this. He reached for a beer bottle again.

Right. 

John returned his hand to his side and debated whether to get out of bed. He glanced at the clock. 1:37. Not bad. 

He slid his legs out of bed and wobbled out of bed, holding onto the wall for support. He trudged to the doorway and made his way out of the room. 

Halfway down the stairs, John couldn’t help but notice the number of clown posters on the walls, smiling at him in spite of his sour mood. Why’d he fucking hang those up in the first place? John stumbled, skipping a step and falling onto his ass. He sighed again and forced himself to his feet. They were laughing at him, he knew it. 

Hahaha. 

He picked up one of the laughing harlequin paintings and stared into its hollow eyes. He furrowed his brows, his grip tightening around the frame. John hoped the frame could get crushed in his hands, but he wasn’t strong enough for that. He grit his teeth, an impulse to throw the frame growing in him. The clown kept its hollow eyes at him and John was still staring intently, a burning fire scorching his insides. 

He set the painting back and continued down the stairs, ending up in the living room. He kicked over some garbage and accidentally broke a bottle. He slapped his forehead and went into a fit of giggles. His shoulders shook erratically as he laughed. Maybe the clowns were right. This all was pretty funny. 

He kept his head low. He didn’t have to look to know Nanna and Dad’s photos were hanging over the fireplace. John walked right into the kitchen, thrusting the fridge open. Before taking out the orange juice, he saw a whipped cream pie. His high self had played this joke enough times on himself that he knew the schtick by now, but John still took it out. 

Okay, he touched the pie, ready for the shaving cream to launch itself into his face. He stuck his fingers all the way in. Nothing happened. 

John stood there, the clock ticking away as he waited for the pie to click and spring. Still, it didn’t move. His fingers trembled. He rubbed the excess shaving cream onto his face, his eyes wide. Stupid fucking pie wasn’t fucking working, what the hell? He grit his teeth and threw the pie down on the floor. John stomped down on the stupid fucking pie tin, denting the middle into a pulp, the shaving cream gushing out of the sides, then kicked the pie tin across the room so it hit the wall, creating a whole trail of shaving cream for him to slip on later. 

John grabbed the carton of orange juice and chugged down some. He coughed and spluttered, the orange juice dripping out onto the floor. He put the orange juice away and went to the sink, splashing some water onto his face. He took a deep breath. He gripped on the edge of the sink, forgetting to turn off the water. There was some enjoyment in hearing the water spiral down the drain, all of it being slurped in one whistling gulp. He was brought back to reality by his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. He pushed them back up and turned off the water, then headed back into the living room, falling onto the sofa. 

From the way he was laying on the sofa, he could perfectly meet his Nanna and Dad’s gaze. He shifted to face the back of the sofa, curling his knees up to his chest as best as he could. He took out his phone, scrolling through all the options. Again. And again. Dave. Jade. Rose. Dave. Jade. Rose. Karkat? Kanaya? Dave. Jade. Rose. Dirk. Roxy. Calliope. Jake. 

Okay. Viably, only Dave, Jade, and Roxy. 

EB: heyy :P   
GG: oh hi john!! whats up? :P   
EB: nothing really tbh  
EB: anything going on with you?   
GG: jake and i are shooting some targets  
GG: we used the alchemiter to make them fly so now its a real challenge haha   
EB: oh haha yeah thats pretty awesome   
GG: but were taking a break rn so dont worry  
GG: >u< you can talk to me!!!   
EB: hehe okay :B  
EB: im glad calliope taught you guys more emoticons *\0/*  
EB: really adds to the options   
GG: YES!! *\0/*   
EB: *\0/*   
GG: o/\o  
GG: >w<   
EB: okay okay i think thats enough for now  
EB: so uh do you want to like idk umm  
EB: feels kinda stupid haha i dont actually know what i wanted to do  
EB: just hangout i guess? sometime? we could play that shit ghostbusters game that we got tired of   
GG: ghostbusters game?   
EB: yeah the one we played on the ship  
GG: …  
EB: fuck. sorry  
EB: that wasn’t you  
GG: yeah haha  
EB: i just want to do something to remind me of old times  
EB: something silly  
EB: im sure with our two silly brains we can come up with something   
GG: haha yeah!! im sure if we put our mind to it   
EB: i mean you miss it too right?   
GG: miss what?   
EB: you know what im talking about!!  
EB: the time before the game??? before all this crazy nonsense took over our lives????   
GG: i mean, i guess so   
EB: guess so?   
GG: well  
GG: i like it here john :P im surrounded by my friends now  
GG: even my grandpa is here!! I mean, hes a weird young adult version of him that keeps on forgetting all our lunch plans every week but hes more than a stuffed corpse  
EB: right that is a good point   
GG: we get to hangout with dave and rose and the teen versions of our guardians now  
GG: its pretty crazy but its more than i could have hoped for from that stupid game   
EB: true!! I should just suck it up and hangout with my friends instead of thinking about that dumb shit right? about the past?   
GG: i mean  
GG: i guess so??   
EB: :B we should all hangout  
EB: dave, karkat, you, and i   
GG: omg lol karkat *rolls eyes*  
GG: so annoyinggg -_-   
EB: lmao i know right   
GG: ughhh i guess i can handle him for a little bit though  
GG: as long as he stops being so gay for his stupid boyfriend   
EB: haha i know its so weird right   
GG: huh   
EB: nevermind  
EB: ill tell dave that we all want to hangout together 

John then switched back to his convo with Dave. It’d been a while since they last messaged. 

EB: hey dude jade and i want to hangout with you two   
TG: shit thats popping  
TG: both of us? at once?  
EB: yeah! duh :P  
EB: you guys are like always together nowadays haha   
TG: haha yeah lmao karkats real fucking clingy   
EB: no kidding   
TG: lol yeah  
TG: what r u guys planning to do   
EB: im not sure yet   
TG: is there gonna be any drugs or alcohol there  
TG: i mean like 420 blaze it and all but uh  
TG: karkats not really cool with it   
EB: wtf loser  
TG: yeah i know fucking asshole right  
TG: dont listen to him  
TG: i dont think im giving him enough dick   
EB: haha   
TG: yeah lmao guess its not funny if were really gay huh   
EB: yeah its not   
TG: yo just remembered a fucking relic dude  
TG: tokemon  
TG: fucking tokemon theme song bro  
TG: tokemon  
TG: you gotta smoke them all  
TG: to be the very best like no pothead ever was  
TG: to roll the joints is my real test to smoke them all is my real cause  
TG: haha but srsly  
TG: i think you might have a problem  
EB: oh uh  
EB: thats weird to bring up? in the middle of that???   
TG: yeah prob should have read the room first but were kind of fucking online so   
EB: im just having fun dude i dont have a problem!!  
EB: thought we could just be goofy dudes :P and get high together   
TG: yeah i get it dude everyones got sticks up their asses trying to stop your goal of catching Weedichu and Laprajuana but i think i gotta agree with them a little bit  
TG: just a fucking little im not about to become a narc  
TG: idk who id narc you to since were the gods of this place but rose is always a fucking option so dont forget   
EB: yeah i wont haha  
EB: i guess its cool if none of you guys want to get high or anything   
TG: ok cool cool  
TG: lets get krunk on hawaiian punch and sprite like were at the middle school dance and your date just broke up with you ten minutes ago  
TG: over fucking text dude it was the worst moment of your fucking life  
TG: you think nothings going to get you over it but then suddenly your best bros in the word show up and rescue you from that emotional shit by inviting you to break down on the dance floor  
TG: the dancing kind of break down not the emotional kind  
TG: thats for after the party  
TG: of this analogy   
EB: yeah haha i got it  
EB: that sounds nice actually   
TG: good  
TG: should we invite other people? roxy and calliope?   
EB: sure!! theyre cool   
TG: you like her?   
EB: what?! noooooooo   
TG: dont kid me dude i see how you look at her plump ass   
EB: ew dave thats your mom  
TG: okay dude i know that weve been through this its like an inside joke at this point.  
TG: im pretty sure   
EB: okay sure dave   
TG: very funny. point still stands  
TG: you like her  
TG: too bad i think shes gay for the alien   
EB: yeah, i know haha no need to rub it in   
TG: dont worry i already know youre jealous of all the alien pussy were getting  
TG: what about jane?   
EB: yeah i love my grandma mom :B sure  
EB: sounds like its starting to get kind of big though so um  
TG: what about dirk and jake? 

John paused. He had put them together and John wasn’t sure why it was bothering him so much. 

TG: heard theyre together again   
EB: yeah haha me too heard it from the source   
TG: oh yeah youre still hanging out with him   
EB: yeah   
TG: awesome hes a weird guy im sure youve got some funny stories about him  
TG: barely leaves his apartment like hes fucking neurotic i still cant believe you got him out of there   
EB: me either honestly  
EB: hes pretty fun to hangout with   
TG: so that means you want to invite him and jake over obvs

John’s heart skipped a beat. He typed “well im not sure” and erased it. 

EB: well idk if we invite everybody its going to get to be a really big party  
EB: i just wanted something small   
TG: okay then just my bro then? since you guys are tight. dont think jake will care too much if im honest  
TG: dirk will probably won’t show up anyway  
EB: yeah lmao   
TG: lmao  
TG: so yeah ask jade to make like e-vites or some shit and then well figure out what the fuck were even doing once we get there  
EB: cool! cant wait to hangout with you guys :P   
TG: yeah me too 

John let out a sigh and messaged back Jade.  
EB: dave said yes and we decided to invite roxy, calliope, jane and 

John hesitated. 

EB: dave said yes and we decided to invite roxy, calliope, jane and dirk too.  
EB: he wants you to make like e-vite things  
GG: omg awesome!! ill do that as soon as i get home XP 

Then John was hit with incoming messages of a light purple. He did not look at them right away, giving the sender plenty of time to vent her frustrations before John read them. He always knew to skip the first five or so messages Rose sent him nowadays. 

TT: Has it dawned upon you yet that you would have to speak to me?  
TT: This is not a petty attempt at joining your get-together, just so you are aware. Yes, I already know about it, but it does not matter to me. You can spend time with whoever you please.  
TT: While I would normally allow you to toil your mind away about whether to confront me, forcing yourself into a pit of psychological mayhem, I have decided to be merciful to your woes and give you a swift slice across the jugular. Let you bleed out your sins instead of forcing you to keep those all bottled inside yourself for the rest of your life.  
TT: Just like a mighty prophet claiming forgiveness for your sins, I absolve you not of sin, but of utter stupidity in the face of minor adversity.  
TT: Please tell me you are sober.   
EB: lmao what??????   
TT: Of course you would not process any of this. That is your go-to.   
EB: what im getting from this is you want to hangout with us :B   
TT: Yes John. Let us get wasted on so many bottles of booze that we can no longer hold any in our innards, allowing their contents to spill into our bodies and drown us from the inside out.  
TT: Then we will frolic out into the woods and eat the raw flesh of roadkill with our bare hands, escaping the ever suffocating grasp of society in order to create our own world of wild men and women.  
TT: We will return to a savagery that never existed on this planet so that we can satisfy our lust for blood and thus satisfy the character arcs of our lives by escaping them entirely.  
EB: what????????  
EB: were not even having alcohol dude youre just being silly  
EB: >:/ you really do talk like dirk sometimes  
TT: Oh, yes. My biological father. Let us bring him into the conversation because it was not complex enough. His enablement of your behavior, inability to communicate any sort of emotion beyond his extreme chauvinistic maneuvers and his idiotic interests are all ripe for discussion. Which one of his qualities have you attached to, since you are so fond of him?  
TT: Now that I think of it, it is a bit suspect that you spend more time with the teen version of your best friend’s abusive father than any of your friends. A bit odd. Are you attempting to run away from something John? I never felt the impulse to psychoanalyze your behavior before, because most of it was boringly straightforward, but Dave’s psyche is no longer interesting.  
EB: didn’t you just call dave gay when you did that?   
TT: Yes.  
TT: Was I wrong?   
EB: well...i guess in this universe you weren’t   
TT: This universe?   
EB: well idk.  
EB: this timeline?? I guess   
TT: Are you willing to suggest there was a timeline where I was wrong?   
EB: no!!! i mean  
EB: i dont know!! i didnt think my dave was gay   
TT: “my dave”. What odd phrasing.   
EB: UGH. SHUT UP.   
TT: I hope you are appreciating the amusing topic of this conversation, because I was not intending to discuss your homoerotic behavior with the Strider brothers.  
TT: I am here to discuss an even more obvious issue because I do not think you are mature enough to acknowledge the desires of your phallus.   
EB: ew! what? rose you have just been so confusing this whole conversation   
TT: John, I am laying out my points rather clearly for you. No attempt to mask my true intentions, because I have grown so much as a person. I have grown so much in fact, that I am willing to admit my past struggles with alcoholism. Wow.  
TT: Cheer for me, as I have overcome an obstacle you have yet to even envision. 

John froze. He decided not to answer that last message, checking back on Jade and Dave’s conversations. Nothing new. Rose sent another message. 

TT: You are attempting to ignore my messages.   
EB: that was pretty straight forward even if it was assuming  
EB: didnt people tell you that assuming makes an ass out of u and me   
TT: Ha.  
TT: You are admitting that was what you were doing though.   
EB: grr -_-   
TT: I am not allowing you to steer the topic of this conversation through ignorance alone. I will make you confront your inner turmoil if it is the death of me. You can tell I care about you John, because I would not do this normally.   
EB: can i just be honest and say im not really in the mood for this   
TT: You will never be in the correct emotional state to handle this John. That is the point. Your soul has not had the liberation of blowing up a motherfucking sun yet and it shows. Normally you would be in the stage of your life where you would realize everything you did as an adolescent was the correct move, but there are chances not everyone has that bliss.  
TT: You must grip your life by the horns and thrust it down into the ground of the fucking rodeo so that you do not go spiralling down the drain of eternity with only blinking moments of sobriety to show for it.  
TT: Everyone thinks you are going to kill yourself in a justified act of sheer dumbassery. Honestly, they are probably correct.   
EB: are people placing bets on justified versus heroic   
TT: For the sake of brevity, I will say no.   
EB: aw man   
TT: “aw man” is correct, John. You can air out all your emotional concerns with me, a now stable human being, if you are in need of it, John. Instead of resorting to substance abuse.   
EB: still not really in the mood for that  
EB: im feeling fine   
TT: Reserving your emotions for your friends to be forced to confront when they are their highest peak? Reminds me of a certain someone who jaunts around with anime glasses pretending to be special.  
TT: Well.  
TT: He sure is special.   
EB: not sure what you mean by that but he is yeah  
TT: Adorable.   
EB: what i was just being condescending like you were   
TT: Were you?  
TT: Maybe this is an issue we can work on. I doubt it is the one causing you to fog your mind and emotions beyond recognizability, but it would be easy to discuss.  
TT: An appetizer for the feast of emotional issues to come.   
EB: is it me being gay  
TT: It is your blatant homosexuality.  
TT: You are starting to get a hang of this.   
EB: -_-   
TT: I am not just going to point out the obvious. That would be redundant and unnecessary. I am sure everyone has called you a homosexual at this point despite your constant claims against it.  
TT: What I care about is that you are using it as an excuse to distance yourself from those around you. You claim we are the homosexual versions of your friends. The others. We are not the people you have grown to love.  
TT: Although it may be true that we are an offshoot timeline, we still know each other. I know enough about you to make these claims anyway.  
TT: You want to ignore your sexuality in an attempt to remain the same as when you were a child. You want to be how your father remembered you and especially the way you remembered yourself. Any change would be against the way you view and understand the world.  
TT: So you are trying to drown that change through chemical dependencies.

John blushed, trembling, gritting his teeth. He felt ready to pounce, but not sure at what. He just wanted to tear his clawless hands into something. 

EB: rose youre saying really weird shit right now   
TT: Odd, yet true shit?  
EB: seriously stop projecting this shit onto me im fucking fine  
EB: im just trying to have some fucking fun on Earth goddamn C okay??  
TT: Have I struck a nerve?   
EB: youre just being a total ass  
EB: im uninviting you to the get together   
TT: I never accepted the invitation in the first place.   
EB: ugh!! youre so weird   
TT: Just like your new “friend”.   
EB: grrr >:(   
TT: I think that may mark the end of our session, John. I will schedule another appointment for you about a week from now. That should be enough to recover from that. Unless you drive yourself into a manic episode. In which case, have fun. I think there may be an abandoned building or two for you to break and enter into. Be careful when committing arson.   
EB: thanks so fucking much

John stopped himself from throwing the phone into the other side of the room. He stood up and threw his phone into the fucking couch. That was what he fucking got for being sober for a day. He went toward the tin box with all his supplies and started packing his pipe, still fuming. The sun was setting now. It had been long enough that John could consider it a full day of being sober. 

He inhaled the smoke, letting all his anger and emotion leave with his breath. With every exhalation went away another worry. Every message of Rose went away. All his missteps with Dave and Jade. Every unwelcome thought about Dirk that Rose was forcing into his mind. 

Actually, the smoke wasn’t really helping that. With his mind reduced to one line of thought, it found himself dedicated to the Dirk issue. He thought it over. 

Lmao, imagine if he was gay. How fucking wild would that be? 

John could admit he was jealous of Jake, but he was equally jealous of Dave and Karkat, so it wasn’t anything new. Oh, and Calliope. 

He just wanted time to hangout with people one and one without them being in couples. That’s why Dirk was cool. He was single. Or uh. Was. 

You could have hangout with Jane, or Jade, or literally anyone else on the fucking planet he told himself. 

Well yeah, but Dirk was convenient. He was right there, fixing his car with his huge fucking muscles. Jesus. He really was just working on those things this whole time. As he breathed in another hit, the touchy-feely shit started kicking in. He really could use Dirk’s muscled body to rub his hands all over.

Oh. 

Ha. 

Yeah, maybe that one was a little gay. 

He chuckled to himself and took another hit. An image of Dirk shirtless suddenly entered his mind. His most abrasive question to himself about his sexuality. John twisted his eyes shut. No. That was so weird. Dirk was his friend. If he was going to question his sexuality he had to at least use objective examples. Not people he knew well. 

That same image appeared in John’s mind again, except Dirk’s pants were unbuttoned and zipped down too. He was laying down so John could get a full view of his impeccable body. 

John was just jealous of Dirk’s physique, obviously. That’s why he was biting his lip thinking about it. And also why his dick was at half-mast. John imagined him rolling onto his stomach and John putting his arms on the waist of Dirk’s pants and pulling down, spreading Dirk’s ass cheeks to fit his dick into- 

John took another hit. Clearly, he wasn’t high enough if he was able to keep up that many thoughts at once. His dick had gone full mast and he continued to focus on smoking until it calmed down. He reasoned to himself. He was thinking of sexual shit, so of course, he got horny. Literally everyone has an ass. 

Another hour passed. He set his shit aside. It was dark outside. He checked his phone. No new messages. He opened his chat with Dirk, then closed it again, then did that several times. 

Maybe it was time to take Rose’s advice. Do something just slightly insane. Everyone else got to fucking do it. He stopped and put his phone in his pocket. He stood up and looked around, accidentally glimpsing at the portrait of his dad. 

John focused all his brain power on one task. He zapped forward outside the door and stumbled onto the front step. Fuck yeah. He zapped even farther forward, ending up in the street. Maybe that was concerning, but John considered it close enough. He stepped back onto the sidewalk and teleported even farther, to a hill far into the distance. Again and again, until he was in the middle of the Consort Kingdom. He checked his messages with Dirk, sure he had given him his address at one point. He teleported in front of each of the buildings, nearly running into shady consorts trying to sell black market movies until he got to the right building. He then teleported to the highest level of the building. There was only one door on this level. That was convenient. John walked straight towards the door, ready to knock, but managed to stop himself. 

John convinced himself that Dirk was probably with Jake anyway. Might as well fucking knock. He rapped on the door, nearly falling over. He breathed heavily, fully accepting that his journey was for nothing. He would just have to deal with this all himself like he always did. Yeah. That was better. What could Dirk do anyway? He held onto the sides of the doorframe, about to collapse. He should have brought the weed with him. 

Before tears could form in John’s eyes, he heard a click from behind the door. Someone slowly opened the door. John was caught in emotion. His most sudden impulse was to pull Dirk into him in a long embrace and let his emotion fall over his shoulder, to let himself breathe out the worst of his worries and fears in sobbing cries, and to just hold him close. 

For only a split second, John didn’t wish for anything from his past.

Because what he truly wanted could only be found in his future.


	10. Chapter 10

No one had ever fucking knocked on Dirk’s door before. It wasn’t like anybody could demand rent from him. He owned the whole planet. And none of his friends had ever bothered to visit him. Since he never visited them either though, it was an equivalent exchange. 

So Dirk had no inclination to open the door the second he heard a knock. It could have been the wind, or the thoughts inside Dirk’s mind knocking on each door within his brain, opening each one to only lead back to the corridor it had started in. One of the two. He continued to solder the components of the circuit board of his newest rap bot. He had gotten fairly far on the project within the three weeks he had been alone in his room, only answering Jane’s messages on occasion. All his mind needed was the circuitry. He had been designing paths for wires. They could go one way, or the other. Yet either path made logical sense. There was no worry about a third option beyond reason. Or thousands of options of varying reasonability. Dirk got to stay inside with his numbers and blueprints to create the most ironically amazing circuitry driven puppet the world would ever see. 

The knock at the door wasn’t the wind. It happened one more time. Dirk turned off his Mlp fan remix playlist and went towards the door. He was not sure whether to reach for the katana, because he was unaware that burglars do not knock on the door to announce themselves and start a sparring match before breaking in. 

He slowly turned the doorknob and started opening the door, letting himself take in who was there. 

Expecting Jane, Dave, hell, even Jake, Dirk was knocked back by the sight of John. Dirk was able to see him for a second before John noticed Dirk. John was hunched over, his eyes on the floor. There were some stains on his shirt and he hadn’t bothered to brush his hair before coming over. Just from the way John held himself in the doorway, Dirk knew some messed up shit was happening. He considered closing the door but instead stayed still before pulling it farther open, letting John see his face. 

The second John saw him, John’s shoulders lifted. He smiled so widely, a spark suddenly coming to his eye. It twisted Dirk’s guts. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“You said that the next time we hangout should be at your place. So here I am!” He spread out his arms and chuckled, clearly waiting for Dirk to step aside. 

Dirk continued to stand in the doorway. “You didn’t tell me you were coming. Are you drunk?” 

“What?! Phh. No. I’m not that stupid. I’m just a little high. Not enough to worry about.” He grinned again and patted Dirk’s shoulder. “I just really wanted to see you.” 

Butterflies got trapped in the weaving of Dirk’s stomach. Despite the situation, despite everything Dirk had told himself, he was still melting in front of John. Although he knew it only to be a shallow mask John was putting on, Dirk had to admit he was comforted by the toothy grin on top of that stubbled face. He stepped back, letting John enter the apartment. 

John entered, his eyes wandering towards all the ironic regalia decorating Dirk’s apartment. John picked up the hand of one of the puppets and made it wave hi. Dirk touched John’s hand so he would let go of it. “Don’t touch the puppets, they’re fragile.”

John giggled, raising an eyebrow at him. “I thought they were just supposed to be weird, why do you care if they break?” 

Dirk clenched his jaw. John let go of the puppet hand anyway. Dirk realized that porn was still flashing on the TV screen. Whatever. John already knew about it. Even worse, John focused on the katana and reached out towards it. Dirk grabbed his wrist. “Stop being a dipshit. That’s a sword.” 

“Yeah, duh. Can I play with it?” 

“No.” 

“Ughh, c’mon man. No one wants to fucking have fun. What’s the worse I could do? Cut myself? We’re immortal.” 

“If I saw your attempt at swordplay I’d have to kill you to maintain the integrity of swordsmanship as an art and it would be justified. So don’t touch that sword.” 

John rolled his eyes. He pointed at the hoverboard. “Let’s go for a ride.” 

“It’s 1 am.” 

“Woah, it is?” John checked the time to confirm. “Oh, I guess you’re right. That doesn’t change anything though. We can still go on a small ride. I can cling to your back and we can go out and see the stars together. Sounds pretty cool.” 

“Sounds cramped. We won’t both fit on that thing. Besides, we can already fall.” 

“Yeah, but hoverboarding is way cooler. You should show me how to ride it.” 

“Not right now.” 

John turned to look at him, glaring at him. “You were totally cool with all this shit earlier. I thought you didn’t care if you died.” 

“I care if you die. You forced me to be responsible for you by showing up like this.” 

John sewed his lips shut and huffed. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor, away from Dirk. They stayed silent for several minutes, only hearing the coursing of their heartbeats. Faintly lit by the moon, the room grew cold. Dirk longed to cut the space between him and John, but could he? He wasn’t entirely sure the right move to make here. 

A small noise came from John’s direction. Dirk looked. John was shuddering in place, his shoulders caving in. “Why are you here, dude? You’re clearly fucked up.” 

“I just wanted to have some fun, okay!” John snapped, his voice quivering. “Everyone’s been acting like I’m fucking crazy all day just for smoking some weed and drinking some booze. Acting like they know me.” Dirk could see John’s eyes tear up behind his glasses as John bared his teeth. 

They were still for another minute. Dirk hoped by the time he processed John’s emotion, that he would have moved on already, but that wasn’t the case. John still stood there, about to blow with all the pent up frustrations Dirk had been blissfully unaware of.

“Sounds like you need to talk to someone about this.” 

John pulled on his hair and glowered. “I already did. I came here to forget about all that.” 

“I thought that’s what the weed was for. Not entirely sure why you came to me in particular. Still trying to figure that one out.” 

John clammed up, fiddling with the inside of his pockets. His cheeks were faintly flushed. He opened his mouth a couple of times but no sound came out. John swallowed down his spit and looked up at the ceiling. He breathed heavily, looking in every direction but Dirk’s. “Um. I just sorta. Missed your muscles.” He chuckled. John looked him over, smiling to himself. 

“Can’t blame you for that. I’d miss them too.” Dirk went to sit on his bed that was barely accessible. John walked over with a puzzled look. Dirk was sitting on the edge of the bed furthest from the wall, so John jumped to lay down on the other side of him, springing Dirk and the sheets slightly in the air. 

John reached out to him. “Come here, I’ve got the snuggle bugs.” 

Dirk let himself lay down and let John embrace his arms around him. John even pulled the blanket over them so they could be warm. Maybe John was planning just to sleep here for the night. Dirk didn’t mind all that much. He felt John rest his chin on his shoulder and nuzzle his face into Dirk’s neck. Although it was overwhelming, Dirk was enjoying the touch of John’s stomach on his back, his arms around his own, and his legs interwoven into his. John sighed happily, his weed breath rising up into Dirk’s nostrils. Dirk held his own arms close to his chest. He had forgotten to grab the pillow he would normally grab onto as a replacement for his Lil’ guy. 

“Can I feel your muscles again?” asked John. 

“Yeah, sure.” He could feel John start to dig his fingers into his arms, rolling circles into the muscle. He could hear a slight moan leave John’s lips as he continued to feel every inch of his body. Now his hands were on Dirk’s waist, sliding down his hips and headed towards...Dirk put a hand on John’s. “Can’t go that far.” 

“Right.” John pulled his hands back. Dirk could feel the warmth emanating off of John’s cheek. “You know, we should compare dick sizes some time.” 

“I don’t have one.” 

John snorted and chuckled. “Okay, that was a pretty good joke.” 

Dirk exhaled a long breath. John continued to fondle Dirk’s muscles, especially the ones near Dirk’s crotch and ass. Dirk gave no reaction, not letting his iron-will be seduced by some thigh groping. “Jade, Dave, and I were planning a fun hangout thing,” said John, finally speaking up. It was already 2 am. Both were exhausted, barely keeping their eyes open. “But Dave said something about me having a problem...and Rose has been bringing it up nonstop for weeks. Do I have a problem?” 

Dirk was silent for a minute. “I don’t know. I don’t know you like they do, so I can’t tell. Historically, I haven’t been good at assessing that sort of stuff.” He could imagine the bubblegum pink scented words flood into his vision. 

“Well.” John shuffled. “They don’t really know me either. I don’t know anyone here.” 

“What do you mean?” 

… 

“I just don’t.” 

“Cause of the timeline shit?” 

… 

“Sure.” 

“Sure?” 

“Well, it’s more than that. Even before the timeline change. Dave and Rose got to be on the meteor, and I was with Jade. For three fucking years. Now this Jade doesn’t even know me. Everyone I know is fucking dead and I can’t bring them back. I can’t ever bring them back.” Dirk could hear John’s breathing get heavier. “I can’t have anything back.” John’s hands trembled around Dirk’s arms. 

Dirk stiffened. 

“I think I can understand. I lost a best friend too. I can never get him back.” 

John sniffled. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah. It was a stupid fucking move. Forcing him to become the evil he needed to be to fulfill the paradox. Really shot myself up the ass with that one.” Dirk tightened his grip around himself. 

“Who?” 

“My guy. You know the man. He was in your universe. Dave isn’t real fond of his eccentricities but I think they’re just a part of the complete cool dude package.” 

“Are you talking about yourself?” 

“No.” 

“Who then?” 

Dirk was silent. 

John thought about it, long and hard. He looked across the room, trying to think of what was missing. There were all sorts of horses, weird fucking posters, even anime wall scrolls, and puppets hanging in all the corners of the room. Except for a certain puppet that he remembered Dave complaining about. “Lil’Cal?” 

Dirk shriveled, pulling himself tight together. Fucking shit. The waterworks were back in business again. 

He heard John scoff. “Aw man, I thought you were talking about a real person. Got worried there for a second that there was someone else in the alpha session I didn’t know. That really would have complicated things.” 

“Lil’Cal was my friend,” Dirk repeated, his throat clogged by his own words. 

“Oh, uh, sorry about that, I guess,” said John. Dirk continued to shake. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. He was just a puppet.” 

“Okay.” 

Another few minutes of silence. They were breathing in sync, their breaths shaky and their eyes stinging. John tapped Dirk on the shoulder. “Can you turn around so we can face each other?” 

“Why?” 

“Just cause.” 

Dirk rolled around to face John. His glasses fell off his nose and before he could push them back up, John picked them up and set them on the desk by the bed. Dirk blinked a couple times, his eyes adjusting to the light. Dirk froze, knowing John could see how puffy and damp his eyes were. John’s flash of concern faded with another smile. 

“It’s late and we’re inside and you’re still wearing these. It’s kind of silly.” 

Dirk nodded. He sniffled and continued to not keep eye contact even though John could see him clearly doing it now. John kept on moving his head in the hopes of getting in the way of Dirk’s vision, but then Dirk’s eyes moved the other way. John chuckled. They both laid back down, John wrapping his arms around Dirk. Dirk nuzzled himself into John’s chest. Dirk started to relax, letting a couple tears fall down his cheek. He tried his best to muffle his sobs in John’s chest, but that only meant that John could feel the warm tears soak into his shirt. John then started to rub circles into Dirk’s back, causing him to choke up. Dirk wrapped his arms around John. As much as Dirk tried to hold back, he was unable to stop all the tears. 

His arms tight around John, he was nearly able to make peace with the fact that Lil’Cal wasn’t in his arms anymore. 

He won’t be here forever, will he? 

Soon Dirk would be back to spending time with Jake and they would be spending the rest of eternity together. Yeah. That’s what either of them deserved. John would find some Earth C girl to hold at night. Someone able to understand what he was going through and actually fucking help the guy. Not the useless shit bag who thought he was better than everyone else. 

Dirk trembled in John’s embrace, his fingers curling around the fabric of John’s shirt. He dearly hoped John was unable to tell how much of a fucking wuss he was being, letting all his emotions out into his chest. His soft and hairy fucking bear chest. Dirk was unable to think of exactly how much of a pussy he was through odd, pop-culture referencing metaphors because he was too busy letting all his weakness out. He was stripped bare and thrown into the wilderness, about to starve of hunger. Or was he starving from lust? Or...God. Fucking disgusting. He was about to think some shit straight from a dumb romantic comedy John would have probably liked. 

“Hey, are you okay? I’m sorry I like...I don’t know. I don’t know what I did.” 

Dirk pulled his head back, their eyes both clearly still wet. He sniffled. “Yeah. No need to apologize. I was just being a crybaby for a second. Really pulling a Deku.” 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s um...it’s good to let some stuff out sometimes. I know telling you about all that other stuff helped me. There was...one other thing I wanted to talk about.” 

“What is it?” 

John did not answer right away. Dirk could hear him start to speak, but trackback on his words and pause to think again. Finally, he mumbled out, “Do you think I’m gay?” 

Dirk tensed. “What makes you ask that? I assumed you weren’t interested in men, from what you’ve told me.” 

A warm blush tinted John’s cheeks. “I mean, I’m not. I’m not normally,” he said, breathless. “I-uh, I mean. I was wondering if you thought I was gay.” 

“I assumed,” Dirk said, a bit tersely. 

“Yeah...okay, good. Cause um,” John laughed nervously. “They keep on saying I am. Well, Rose keeps on saying I am and that I’m trying to ignore it to like-” He snorted and rolled his eyes, “keep myself the way I always was. Like the way my dead dad sees me. Weird, huh?” 

Dirk responded with silence. A small coil of anger was forming in his guts, ready to spring at any moment’s notice. He couldn’t quite place why, but it had to do something with how John was holding him so close while telling him this shit. “Is there something wrong with being gay?” 

“Huh? No, of course not. I think it’s cool that you guys are like being yourselves. Rose and Kanaya seem really happy together. I can’t really imagine her with anyone else. Even when I thought I had to marry her I didn’t really think it would work. Dave and Karkat are funny together and Roxy and Calliope are cute. You and Jake are…” John widened his eyes. “How are you and Jake doing? I haven’t heard anything about it since we last talked.” 

“Neither have I. We’ve gone on one date since then. A hike. We were seeing who could get to the peak fastest. I was ahead most of the way.” 

“With all the working out you do I’m sure you were,” said John. Dirk could feel John’s hand rest on Dirk’s ass. 

Dirk caught his breath and continued, “Otherwise I haven’t seen much of the chap.” 

“Are you two happy together?” 

John pulled himself closer to Dirk, possibly to make Dirk ignore how he was squeezing his ass. 

“Why?” He glanced up at John, who was confused by the question. “Is it hard for you to believe two men can be in a healthy relationship?” 

John humphed. “No, I just wanted to know. I mean, it’s kind of weird that Jade’s grandpa was gay too. It’s all a little too much for me to believe. Even Dave? Dave’s gay now? My Dave always told me shit like how we’d pick up chicks at the club and bring them all back so we could have an orgy together.” 

Dirk didn’t react to that. 

John’s voice went quiet. 

“So are you?” 

“Am I what?” 

John’s shoulders tensed. He glanced away from Dirk, his hand sliding onto Dirk’s hip. “You know...happy? With him.” He blushed. “With Jake.” 

Dirk let out a deep sigh, trying to think about how to best avoid the question again. “He’s the best option I have,” he mumbled. 

John lowered his voice to a whisper, his warm cheek grazing Dirk’s. Dirk’s lip trembled as John’s stubble scratched his skin. “He is?” The words gently blew into Dirk’s ear. Dirk clenched. His fingers were twisted in John’s shirt. The shirt he was aching to tear right off him. John lifted Dirk’s shirt and bit his lip. Between all the warm breaths being blown on Dirk’s cheek, the words, “What about me?” swayed out of John’s lips. Those same lips leaned down and planted themselves on Dirk’s jawline. Dirk held onto his breath and shut his eyes. The kiss fell further down his jaw, led by a happy hum. John moved down his neck, starting to suck and nibble at the skin. His hand inched closer to Dirk’s waistband. Dirk moaned ever so slightly, to which John responded by kissing deeper and sneaking his hand down Dirk’s pants. 

Dirk clasped John’s hand before it could go any farther. John froze. 

“Why the fuck are you doing this again?” 

John moved his head back to look at Dirk. “What?” 

Dirk grit his teeth, “You know what you’re doing. We both know you’re not gay. So why are you doing this?” 

John’s face flushed. He adjusted his glasses, looking in every direction for the answer he couldn’t give. 

“Am I an option to you because of my anatomy?” 

John shook his head. He did not appear to even understand the nature of the question. 

Dirk sat up. “Then what is it then? What’s fucking compelling you to stick a hand down my goddamn jeans when you see me? Just curious.” 

“I’m not-I…” 

John stared at him, no more words leaving his mouth. 

Dirk got out of bed. 

He grabbed his sunglasses. 

He turned back to John, who was still motionless. He put his sunglasses on. 

He walked towards his work station, flicked on the lamp, and sat down. 

The lamp’s light flickered. It beamed down onto the assortment of parts and paper that littered the desk. 

He scribbled on blueprints and mindlessly screwed together some metal plates, keeping an ear towards the bed. 

John muttered, “Fuck,” under his breath. 

Dirk heard John shuffle out of the bed. Dirk wrote down an equation that meant nothing. His neck tingled, knowing John was standing there, motionless. Dirk lifted up a piece of metal, his eye on the reflection. John just stood there, hunched over. He heard a few muffled splutters and gasps from John, the same noises Dirk had been making during his pathetic emotional moment. Yet, Dirk kept his sight ahead. 

The reflection turned to a bright glow. Dirk looked back. John was snapping his fingers. 

Before either of them knew it, he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope this festive update can bring a little holiday cheer to everyone. Thank you so much for commenting, I appreciate it a lot and it keeps me inspired to write more! Thanks for sticking it out with me until the end <3

Twinkling reindeer, icicles, and a snowman were the least Dirk expected from the front facade of Jane’s home on a cold December night. Jane’s dad must have felt that he was in the plot of National Lampoon’s Christmas since the entire front of the house was decked with more lights than would be visible to the human eye. That is if they weren’t wearing obnoxious anime shades. Dirk knew they would come in handy even in the winter months. There were wreaths, bundles of bells and mistletoe all around the home so not even one inch of the house was safe from festive cheer. 

Although it was about 30 degrees and only going to get colder, Dirk wore nothing more than his usual T-shirt and pants. It wasn’t like he was going to wear some pansy Christmas sweater and switch out his fingerless gloves for finger-not-less ones. He considered his frozen fingertips to be a part of a new training regimen. If he had really felt like it, he could even be wearing a tanktop. It wasn’t like he was shivering like a fucking chihuahua.

The bells from the wreath jingled as he opened the door. A mix of ash and fir met him at the door, as a fire was blazing and a secular Christmas tree stood to the right of the door. Dirk pushed away the branches that were sticking out towards the doorway and walked in. He knew he should have expected the ten looks of astonishment when he entered Jane’s home, but he still had no way to prepare for it. For a couple of minutes, the only noise was the scuffling of Dirk’s shoes against the doormat. Everyone else, burdened with the idea of common sense, was bundled warm. Some forecasts even predicted snow later in the day. Or that’s what Dirk thought the consort had said when he asked him “What about this weather?” 

Although he had been invited, Dirk knew he wasn’t entirely welcome. From what he remembered, John and Jade were the ones to plan this whole thing. The whole vibe of the party was heavily wavering between a Downton Abbey reenactment and a middle school dance, from the finger foods, to the flimsy streamers, to the balloon bouquets. Of course, those all went alongside the already dozens of Christmas decorations Jane normally put up every year. Twinkling lights, nutcrackers, miniature houses, the whole shebang. Due to the many delays from scheduling mishaps, the party had landed itself right in the middle of December, acting as some sort of collective birthday for more than half the partygoers. 

Dirk’s eyes swept across the room, counting all the people there. Hm. More than he expected. He remembered Dave mentioning not everyone had been invited. Yet, he was sure the entirety of both human families were there. Rose, Kanaya, and Jane had been talking to each other next to the snack table that was clearly blocking the entryway to the kitchen. Dave, Karkat, Jade, and Calliope were in another corner setting up a speaker. On the couch were Roxy and...John? Dirk flicked his eyes away. Almost everyone was there. Except someone was missing. Was it-

Dirk felt a hand clasp his shoulder. The voice above him was the first to break the silence. “How have you been ol’ chap?” Jake’s words restarted the scene, pressing play on the cliche movie scene, and allowing everyone to look away from Dirk and return to their business. 

“Didn’t know you’d be here,” said Dirk. “Was Neytiri busy?” 

“Well, I didn’t expect you either! It’s so good to see you. It’s been too long.” 

“Yeah, I guess it has.” Dirk walked towards the drinks with no warning. He ignored the punch bowl, instead focusing on the ingredients used to make it. He lifted the tablecloth to find a half-empty bottle of Crush soda next to Hawaiian punch. As the soda poured and echoed against the plastic of a red solo cup, Dirk caught the whisperings of Roxy and John behind him. He kept himself alert, trying to discern the gentle murmuring into coherent words. All he could catch was his own name, making his heart skip a beat. He focused all his attention on them, drowning out all the other noise of the room. “I think Dirk-” he heard her say. It was cut off by the song Starships. Behind Dirk, Dave was holding a miniature speaker high enough above his head that Karkat could not pry it from his hands. Dirk grit his teeth from the shrieking squeal Karkat had to make before screaming about how Dave’s nauseating human music made his frail alien ears bleed. 

“You know sometimes it seems like you’re not even listening to me when I tell you about Avatar,” said Jake. Dirk snapped out of it for a second and took a sip of orange soda. Without asking him to continue, Jake continued to ramble, “So, I actually just learned about all the supplemental Avatar worldbuilding that was done before making the movie, so that’s why I’ve been so busy, Dirk! I’ve had to completely reconfigure my original character for the Avatar universe to fit in with the previously established lore. You have to understand it is a lengthy process. Jade can tell you. Jade! Jade!!” He yelled across the room. Jade waved and smiled. “Jade, can you tell Dirk about our Avatar research! I can’t quite recollect it all. Wasn’t it an absolute blast Jade?!” Jade continued to wave and smiled, ignoring Jake’s request to walk over. Jake shrugged. 

Dirk sipped his orange soda. He could catch a few more phrases from Roxy and John. Problem, I know I need to work on it, I should tell him, I’m proud of you. The words suddenly stopped. Dirk glanced over, but Jake’s words caught his attention for once. “It’s got me thinking Dirk…” 

Dirk’s words got caught in his throat. “Yeah, Jake?” His hands started to shake. His breathing quickened as he felt Jake hold onto the ends of his freezing fingers. He knew it was beyond reality, and that he’d complain about how much of a sissy move it was, but he had half expected Jake to lift his hand up to his mouth and kiss his frozen knuckles. Dirk was only hoping for it because his fingertips were about to fall off of course. At the same time, they pulled their hands away from each other. Jake looked towards the ceiling and Dirk looked towards the floor. 

“Thinking that you need to make an avatar character yourself! I know I’ve already tried to convince you, but even Tavrosprite has made one now. So what do you say? My house, tomorrow?” 

Dirk sighed, “And you’re not going to bail?” 

“What? When have I ever bailed on my chum? Of course, I will not bail. I would never miss a chance to get into the lore of Pandora.” He pat Dirk on the shoulder and gave him a toothy grin. Dirk filled up his solo cup again without another word and walked towards Jane. He tapped her on the shoulder. 

“I thought not that many people were showing up.” 

Jane giggled. She noticed she was still wearing an apron covered in flour and started to untie it. “Now who said that?” 

“My bro.” 

“Well, I suppose certain plans change when people actually show up. The numbers he crunched must have been based on the timeline where you didn’t show.” Jane giggled and set her apron aside. “Though, I did not expect Jake to be here. What are the odds.” Jane rolled her eyes. 

“If you’re talking about people who crashed the party,” Rose interjected, spinning around to add some dramatic flair, ”you must be talking about my wife and I.” Rose swirled around the punch in her champagne glass as if she were a housewife who crashed the Yacht Club annual holiday dinner party. She shivered in her pink sweater that she wore over a slightly gaudy black and purple dress with golden ribbons. Kanaya stood next to her, wearing what Dirk could only describe as an ugly Hanukkah sweater over a pink dress. The sweater seemed homemade, and from what Dirk knew about Rose, she was probably the one to make it. 

Before Dirk could care to ask, Kanaya answered, “She changed her mind over being offended on not being invited. So, we arrived only hours after Rose decided to care, which happened to be several hours before the party even began.” Kanaya looked back at Rose, clearly frustrated with the flour stains that spotted the dress Rose wore. “Rose, why didn’t you wear an apron? It took me weeks to make this.” 

“I did not think working with flour would be such a delicate task.” 

“I have to admit I am slightly surprised you added any flour considering what I saw come out of the oven,” Kanaya scoffed. Jane chuckled. Dirk continued to stand still with no expression since he did not feel it necessary to pretend he knew anything about baking. 

“Oh my. I cannot believe no one appreciates my work around here.” Rose raised a hand to her forehead, pretending she was about to faint. She picked up one of Jane’s gingerbread cookies and took a bite. “Mine were better when you ignored the char.” 

“Maybe if you had followed the recipe-” added Jane. 

Rose walked away and Kanaya followed, leaving Dirk with Jane. Jane laughed gently. Dirk picked up one of the gingerbread pieces and took a bite before looking over its shape. After biting into a gumdrop he took a chance to look at it. The cookie was in the shape of a hat, iced orange, with swirls of vanilla frosting and orange gumdrops on the corners. He took a glance at the plate, seeing all the cookies were in the shapes of the many symbols they usually wore on their shirts. 

Dirk walked up to the fireplace. There were framed pictures of Poppop, John’s Dad, and a group picture of all their friends. He picked up the Elf on the Shelf that sat on the mantelpiece, staring at him with its anime ocean blue orbs. A hint of longing flooded Dirk’s heart. Like seeing the semblance of an old friend in a stranger, or thinking you hear the voice of someone gone long ago. These weren’t the freak-ass sapphire eyes he wanted to be staring into. 

He spoke up. “You have a spy on the premises.” 

Jane caught on. She took the Elf and turned him around. “Thank you for the intel. I will make sure to escort him off the premises as soon as we properly interrogate him. Good work.” Next to the Elf was Santa and his reindeer. She stuffed the elf into Santa’s sleigh. “Go back to the North Pole where you came from.” 

They noticed the air chill around them as the fire sputtered its last breath below them, sending a wave of smoke directly into their nostrils. 

Jane prodded the fire and sighed, “I think there’s still some firewood outside, but I’d rather not get it myself.” Jane, even in her cozy Grandma sweater, still shivered. 

“I can get it.” 

Jane punched him in the shoulder. “Dirk! You’re wearing less than I am. You’ll freeze out there.” 

“It’ll make me stronger against the elements.” 

“It will give you hypothermia.” 

“Theoretically.” 

Jane sighed and gave him a warm smile. She put a hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re just being shy. Go talk to somebody.” 

“I’m not being shy. I’m being generous.” 

Jane turned him around and pushed him towards the center of the room. Dirk narrowly missed hitting the couch, only because he was used to the exact same layout in someone else’s house. “Go talk to people. I’ll find someone else to bring the firewood.” Jane left him alone, making the rounds with the other partygoers. Dirk tapped on his cup. The couch was empty. Dirk sat down, the seat still uncomfortably warm. He could probably wait out the rest of the party on that couch. 

Roxy and Calliope were talking next to the punch bowl. Roxy shivered. “Brrr. You think if we warm this baby up it’ll still taste good?” said Roxy, pointing to the punch. Calliope must have been unsure, because Roxy continued, “C’mon, it can’t be that bad. It’s like apple cider, but soda, and orange, with a little Hawaiian punch kick to it. Basically the same thing.” 

“I don’t know if-Oh!” 

Dirk looked over. Roxy had grabbed Calliope’s hand and was dragging her into the kitchen. Dirk sighed and sunk into the couch, drinking the last of his soda. The music had been changed to All the Single Ladies. Awfully rude to him and the Prospit kids considering they were the only ones-Dirk heard his boyfriend’s voice and remembered he wasn’t exactly single. The song was followed with splendidly incorrect commentary from well-known music expert Karkat Vantas. Dirk grit his teeth, hearing John chuckle in response to some dumb fuck thing Karkat said. 

“Wow, that’s the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever said, Karkat and that’s quite a record to break,” he heard John say. Dirk kept his eyes on the ceiling. 

“I’m just saying that if you are proudly screaming and dancing about being single then you’re going to be culled for being an unattractive piece of shit who can’t fuck!” 

“Are you saying you don’t think I’m hot, Karkat? I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.”

“So this is Beyonce!” said Jake, five steps behind. “I recognize her voice from Austin Powers. Wasn’t she in the Pink Panther movie as well? Hm. She really does have a foxy voice. Nearly as foxy as one of my blue dames. I must say though, I agree with Karkat just a smidgen. I expected more from-” Dirk groaned, wishing he could stuff cotton in his ears before hearing more of what his boyfriend had to say. 

“Dstri!” Dirk’s attention moved back to his right. He jumped in surprise, not expecting Roxy to be there holding a steaming mug of...something in her hands. “Try this,” she said, grinning wildly. 

Dirk, already having a suspicion of what the concoction was going to be, took the mug anyway. He took a small sip, burning the end of his tongue instead of tasting anything. For the split second he had it in his mouth, he was able to tell it was a blend of congealed sugary syrup and grainy sweetness stirring in a sour liquid. “Tastes great.” 

“Really?” Roxy took the mug back from him. She blew away some of the steam and took a sip, puckering her lips from the unusual blend of sours and sweets and granules that did not work in a warm beverage. She punched his shoulder. “You pranked me! This tastes like shit.” 

“It was too hot to tell.” Dirk tugged on the wrist straps of his gloves and his eyes wandered away from Roxy. Roxy gave him two minutes of peace before nudging his shoulder again. 

“C’mon, anime boy, tell me how things have been. Been a while since we talked.” 

“I’ve been ignoring your messages.” 

Roxy was taken aback, but only for a second. She giggled, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been letting you take your time getting back to me. Thought you just needed your silly me time for a while. You still runnin’ around and beating stuff up with your cool katana sword thingy?” 

“Not recently.”

Roxy took another sip from the mug as if she hadn’t learned her lesson the last time. “Yuck! Ugh. Since you like it so much, here you can have the whole thing.” Roxy forced the mug into Dirk’s cold hands. “Jesus, you should really put on a sweater or something Dirky. You feel like you just melted out of a block of ice.” 

“I’m fine.” He raised the cup to his lips and took another sip, not giving any reaction to the taste. There was a long pause. 

Roxy giggled slightly and Dirk kept his stare at the blank TV. Dirk stiffened as he felt Roxy wrap his arms around him. “What are you-” 

“All these months here and I just realized I’ve never really given you a hug. Not this version of you anyway.” She squeezed him tightly, nearly making him spill the steaming punch in his hands. 

“I thought our friendship was beyond physical affection,” said Dirk, attempting to ignore the odd fuzziness growing in his heart. 

“Well I thought you didn’t like hugs, but John and Jane told me someone’s been a hug whore recently. I didn’t know you could be such a snuggle bug.” 

“That’s John and Jane’s thing, not mine.” 

Roxy sat up, adjusting her scarf. She sat close enough to Dirk to give him space, but not far enough that they weren’t close. “Do you want to borrow my sweater? You don’t gotta be macho, I think you’d look cute in pink.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“I can’t believe you’re still wearing those silly glasses. Can you even see the snow with those things on?” 

Dirk took a glance out the window. Oh. It probably was snowing, but it was difficult to tell with the combination of the sky darkening to dusk and looking through tinted glass. “Yes, I can.” 

Roxy took off her scarf and started wrapping it around Dirk’s neck. She chuckled and took a picture of him. “The glasses and the scarf are a good combo. I should have thought of it earlier.” She plucked the glasses off his face and put them on. “Wow, look at me. I’m that guy from that one anime. Believe in me who believes in you!” 

“It’s Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and the line is-” she was still chuckling, making Dirk realize she was messing with him. 

“You CANNOT see the snow in these you fucking liar! Oh my god, lol,” she said lol as one word, “you must have some real fucked up eyes if you can see anything in these. Ugh. My spatial perception. Dirk, have you been blind this whole time or living your life with the worst migraine in the world?”

Although Roxy was continuing to laugh, a pang of guilt was still eating at Dirk’s heart. He let her look around with his glasses for a while, before suddenly interrupting with, “We’re still friends?” 

“Huh?” She twisted her brows and scratched her chin. “I mean if I think about it a lot and think it over and over like you always do, then maybe ummm then...yeah? We already are friends, you whore.” 

“I’m confirming that you want to remain friends, even though I’m a dipshit who didn’t answer your messages. I thought spending time with everyone else taught you that you deserve people better than me. People who know how to care.” 

Roxy let out half a laugh, but her smile finally fell to a frown. “C’mon. I know you care. You’re still on about that stuff? Next, you’re going to say you have no feelings again. You can lie to yourself all you want but I know you’ve got feelings in that mushy gushy little heart of yours.” She poked him in the chest and forced a laugh. 

Dirk’s usual flat expression fell even further to what Roxy could recognize was a frown. Roxy spoke softly, “It’s not like you ever hurt me you know.”

“If I felt anything I would have helped you.” He clenched his jaw, wincing and remembering his glasses weren’t on, so his pained expression was visible for anyone to see. Roxy set the glasses back on the bridge of his nose and wrapped an arm around him. Dirk knew he was shaking, and he wasn’t sure if it were more of a pussy move to be shaking from the cold or his own nervousness. He didn’t make any move away from her. He watched the spirals of steam leave the mug he was holding and wrap around his face. He wrinkled his nostrils, suddenly overwhelmed by the burnt sweet smell clogging up his nose. 

Roxy didn’t say anything at first. Instead, the only response was the gentle beats from the speaker. Dirk felt like he recognized the tune. It was one he had forced himself to listen to while trying to listen to every song in existence. An album he had listened to more times than he wanted to admit. Carly Rae Jepsen’s Dedication. 

“Well I know you’re feelin’ somethin’ right now. That was kind of my fault too, not letting anyone know I was struggling. I just never wanted to kill the mood. Guess we all did our part to kill the mood anyway. Kinda gave it the slowest, most painful death possible if you ask me.” 

Dirk shrugged. The guilt constricting his heart was starting to lose its grip, but he could still feel it there. 

“And you’re different now. I mean, we were teens! None of us knew what we were doing. I think you learned your lesson with me.” She chuckled and patted his back. “John was telling me about you.” 

“He did? What did he say?”

“He said you helped him realize things and his whole deal or whatever. You seemed important to him.” She quickly added on, “Lol,” for good measure.” 

Dirk gripped onto the mug tightly. He caught onto his breath and took another sip of hot punch. 

Roxy rubbed his back, smiling ever so slightly. Dirk was not entirely sure what to do, continuing to drink the punch until there was none left. Thankfully, he was not forced to say anything more, as Jake tapped him on the shoulder. 

“I have something to ask of you, chap.” 

Dirk stood up, still wearing Roxy’s scarf. 

Roxy rolled her eyes. Once Dirk stepped away, she laid across the whole couch and patted next to her. “Come here sexy,” she said to Calliope, “my snuggle partner left me.” The soft-spoken Calliope muttered something before sitting shyly next to Roxy and being pulled into a hug of smooches. 

Jake brought him over to a corner. “So, I know this is a bit sudden, but you do not mind if Tavrosprite and maybe Jade join us for Avatar roleplay? I fancy that we will need more than a couple of people to defeat RDA.” 

“I don’t remember agreeing to the Avatar roleplay in the first place. You know, Jake, I was already fully aware I was getting cucked by Neytiri but the amount of time you spend with that catboy the more I get suspicious.” 

“Poppycock! Me and Tavrosprite? Please. I-No. We’re just good pals.” 

Dirk didn’t respond. 

“From the sounds of it, you are getting a bit cross with me. Did I do something wrong?” 

“Nothing new.” 

“Well good! So are you in for it or not?”

“Let me think about it.” 

The sound of a bell brought everyone’s attention to Jane, who seemed to be cosplaying a Salvation Army coin collector from the bell in her hand and a Santa Hat on her head. “I think we've gone long enough without any cake, don't you think? Then we can open gifts!" 

"I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts,” Dirk said aside to Jake. 

"You didn't?" asked Jake incredulously. "Even I knew that. Don't tell me you're starting to fall behind my cuckoo brain." Jake gave a hearty laugh and slapped Dirk’s back, which only caught Dirk by surprise considering it was the most he had ever touched him. 

Jane came back out of the kitchen through the saloon doors, carrying a giant cake with all the December birthday names crammed onto it with frosting, along with a Happy Holidays that was folding over the edge. She set it down on the snack table and tried to figure out how they could all blow out the candles at once. Jade and Roxy opened up the candle packages and tried to determine what the right amount would be, starting with one whole package of candles and eventually just filling up the cake with as many candles they could get on without Jane noticing. 

Dirk started to dissociate at this point, having interacted with more than three people that day. He stared at the inferno of lit candles on the cake, which was more of one collective firework. Everything started blending together into a single song of a completely out of tune Happy Birthday accompanied with the high notes of Karkat’s cracking voice and the gentle transitions of Calliope’s hums. Dirk didn’t bother to pretend he was singing along, instead just nodding his head incorrectly to the melody. “Happy Birthday to…” there was a pause as everyone counted out all the names and said, “Jade, Jake, Dave, Dirk, Rose, and Roxy,” in different orders. Amidst the clapping and cheering, someone nudged Dirk towards the cake. Dirk looked back for a second, but he was already being pulled by Roxy before he could see who it was. 

“Hey, it’s your birthday too!” said Roxy, pulling him in between Jake and herself. 

Jane, standing over everyone to take pictures, started the countdown. “Everyone figure out your wish. Okay, 3…” 

Dirk’s wish? Shit. He only got one of those, didn’t he? His wish. Dirk didn’t wish for anything of course. Wishes were stupid. Wish upon a star, my ass, thought Dirk. He wasn’t here to believe in fairy tale bullshit like that. 

“2…” 

Well, maybe he had regrets. Wasn’t any point in wishing for those to go away any time soon. Those are what made him a man. Bottling everything in and never wishing for anything more. This is what he deserved, this is the life he was meant to live. He wished he could have died on the battlefield, but goddamn, no, he was a god instead. He could have wished he was a god of anything worthwhile, but no, he was the god of breaking hearts or some prissy bullshit like that. The universe didn’t give a shit about him and he wasn’t about to pretend he gave a shit about the universe just for some stupid candle wish. 

“1…” 

Maybe he did wish for some things. Certain pairs of azure eyes he had lost. Certain toothy grins and giggles and hugs. Fuck. Okay. Maybe he did wish to have Lil’ Cal back. 

They all blew out the candles at once. Dirk attempted to blow out the most, but Roxy pushed him back so that he couldn’t blow out the candles on the other side of the cake. They all coughed on the smoke, both comforted and overwhelmed from the burnt-out candle smell wisping up into the air. Dirk was quick enough to keep Roxy from shoving his face into the cake, but Jake was not nearly fast enough to stop Jane. 

A couple of minutes later and Dirk found himself on the floor, picking at a slice of yellow cake with a plastic fork. The group naturally congregated in a circle around the couch, sitting on the floor on top of any pillows they managed to find. The couples all sat next to each other, of course, with Roxy and Calliope getting the highest seats, in a literal sense, on the couch. Dirk looked across the circle, seeing that John was sitting directly next to Dave and Karkat. Jake sat next to Dirk, but Dirk hardly noticed until the sounds of a British accent complaining about how the newer Jumanjis did not live up to the original reached his ear. Jade sat next to Jake, forcing a grin and nodding along, her knees pulled up to her chest. Jane was passing out hot chocolate, another chance for Dirk to burn off the end of his tongue. Small talk filled up the air, but it wasn’t enough to make the place any warmer. He glanced at the fireplace. No one had yet braved the cold winds in order to bring in a couple of fucking logs to really warm the place up. Dirk started to stand up before being interrupted by Jane.

“Should we open gifts now?” 

Jane must have decided the collective murmur of the group was a yes. 

She walked over to the Christmas tree where a dozen or so presents were lying under and started passing them out. The wrapping paper of each gift matched the receiver. All of Dave’s were red, Jade’s were green, Roxy’s were cats, so on and so on. 

Calliope shyly followed Jane and passed out envelopes with their names on it. Dirk tried his hardest to smile when Calliope handed him his, managing to move up one side of his mouth. Dirk suspected he looked like a serial killer when he did it, but Calliope still blushed and waved nervously. He took the crisp envelope in his hands, already knowing it had to be fanart of some kind, but not entirely sure what fanon version of himself Calliope had imagined this time. 

Surprisingly, Jane set down a couple of gifts for Rose and one for Jake. Even more surprisingly, Jane set down an orange box with a red ribbon in front of Dirk. Dirk raised his eyebrow and poked at the gift. 

“Jane, I think you gave this to the wrong person,” he said. 

“No, it’s yours.” She pointed at the tag. From Secret Santa to Dirk Strider. Dirk scoffed. He held up the box and shook it a bit. Nothing breakable it seemed. He couldn’t really hear anything move in there. It was light and the size of a newborn baby. He set the box down. 

“Did you get this for me?” Dirk asked Jake. 

“What did you say, my chum?” Jake looked at the present and seemed just as puzzled. “No, I am afraid not. I didn't think you’d be arriving to the party.” 

Dirk noticed that Rose, someone who denied the original invitation, had more gifts in front of her than Jake. The one gift Jake had, besides Calliope’s, was addressed from Jade. 

“So who opens presents first?” asked Calliope, sounding excited. 

“Why not Jade?” said Dave. “Technically it's her birthday first.” Jake, momentarily forgetting his own birthday, made no argument. 

“Hehe, okay! Let’s see. Oh, this one’s from you, Dave.” Jade grabbed the smallest gift and tore it open, even letting herself tear some of it with her teeth. She took off the top of the box and took out a dog collar with spikes. “Oh...wow.” She laughed, and no one could really tell if it was genuine or forced. 

“Omg, Dave, a dog collar? You meanie,” joked Roxy. 

“Okay, Mom, I just thought it was funny.” 

"Didn't you get me one of these last year, Dave?" asked Jade. 

"Oh shit, did I? Sorry Jade." 

"It's fine! Really." Jade stood up and put on the collar, really adding a hint of even more flair to her puffy jacket skirt combo look. 

“You look bitchin’,” said Dave. 

“Aw, thanks,” said Jade, giggling and sounding actually touched. She sat back down, blushing. “Dave, why don’t you open your gift from me next? We can go in a circle.” 

Dave obliged, picking up Jade’s gift and shaking it a bit despite Jade’s protest not to. “Woah.” He said while opening the box. It was a stuffed kangaroo mixed with a bird. For some reason, Dave found this quite sentimental and started hugging it as if he were genuinely touched, which was out of character for him so Dirk assumed this was all part of one ironic gesture. 

Next was Roxy, who opened her gift from Rose. She started chuckling. “Oh my gosh, its’ the fucking, um, your gay wizards-” 

“The book has a title.” 

“Yeah, yeah, says right here. Gay Wizard Book. Omg, it’s signed. I could sell this for so much money. I’m joking! I’m joking. I love it. Wow, you got it published? I’m so proud of you sweetie. Did you use your god privileges? It’s okay you can be honest with me,” she winked. “Omg and a new scarf? Isn’t this the one that Frigglish wears?” 

Rose blushed and rolled her eyes. “Yes. I know he is your favorite.”

Rose started peeling the tape off of Roxy’s gift. “Omg,” said Roxy, “I think we were like on the same wavelength when we were thinking about gifts cause-” 

Rose finished unwrapping the gift. It was a wizard snow globe. Specifically, one of Zazzerpan. Roxy must have summoned it from the void. “Thank you, Roxy,” she said flatly. She glared at her to clearly show she did not appreciate the gift, yet held onto the snowglobe as if it were the most precious material in the world. 

Next in line, was Dirk himself. Of course, everyone's eyes were on the mysterious orange package, but Dirk opted for the much smaller envelope given to him by Calliope. Calliope squeaked excitedly, watching Dirk with wide eyes. He opened it up to reveal a Christmas Card designed by Calliope herself. The design was Dirk ponysona, smiling while nuzzling a green pony wearing square glasses in front of a Christmas tree. The hair was stylized in a way where he assumed it was Jake, but one look at the Slimer cutie mark made Dirk quickly hide the card from any prying eyes. Inside Calliope wrote, "Happy Holidays. Roxy misses you. I hope we can talk more, even if you are a silly, know-it-all weenie as Roxy puts it. Cheerio! ^u^ - Calliope. 

Jake looked over Dirk's shoulder, loudly exclaiming, "What did Calliope get you?" 

Dirk folded the card and put it back in the envelope. "It's private."

Jake shrugged. "My turn, I suppose. Let's see what Jade has in store for me, shall we?" He picked up the box and shook it, making whatever was inside clink together. He gasped excitedly. "Is this the .55 caliber ammo I asked for?" 

Jade smiled, her fangs very apparent in her grin. "Just open it." 

He ripped it open and revealed an entire magazine of bullets. "Blimey! It is. Now this will really come in handy when I go on my next adventure." 

Jade laughed and Dirk picked up one of the bullets which was roughly the size of his hand. 

Jake took out the .55 caliber pistol he of course had on his belt and started filling it with ammo. "Well, golly, Jade, I didn’t expect you to get this from me. Why thank you. Of course...you know what I really wanted for Christmas was the Pandora Activist Survival Guide. I think I may have mentioned it a couple times. Just to keep in mind for next year." 

"Well maybe someone else could have gotten it for you," said Jade. Any side conversations started to shush themselves, noticing the bitterness in Jade’s voice. Jake stopped polishing his pistol. 

"Okay, I will admit I am slightly disappointed with the lack of gifts. I was fairly sure I rsvp'd." Jake looked at the others, his eyes wide and pleading. He lingered on Dirk, forgetting in that moment why he was so sure that Dirk would get him something.

"Really?” Jade opened and closed her claws a few times. “Like that suddenly means anything now? How many times did you schedule something with me just to cancel it? You even do it to Gcatavrosprite sometimes," Jade said, forcing a smile between her giggles. 

"Well, I don't mean to. Things just come up-" 

Jade breathed in heavily and let out a long, deep sigh. Everyone shifted uncomfortably, knowing they were going to be forced to watch the rest of the awkward encounter like they were all thrown into a soup of family troubles about to reach its boiling point. She ripped open Jake’s present and tossed the wrapping paper onto the ground. She held it up and looked at the gift. It was blue body paint, Navi ears, and a Navi tail. "I thought I already told you, I don't like Avatar,” she grumbled. 

“What are you talking about? You love Avatar! What about Pawkutxe, Jade? We made her together. I taught you the ways of Pandora.” 

Jade set the gifts away from her eyesight. She grabbed onto bunches of her hair and started pulling at them, her anger only emphasized by her recent acquisition of a dog collar.

"Wait…you are...not a fan of Avatar? Don't tell me you're also not an aficionado of National Treasure or Indiana Jones or God forbid…adventure itself!" 

“I don't care! I only made those stupid fucking ocs to make you happy,” she snapped. The crowd was stunned silent. 

She turned to Jake. “I've had enough adventure in my life thanks to you! Living on an island by myself was enough to last me the rest of my fucking life! You're always the same!! First, you ruined shit with Dirk and Jane and now you try again with me! You're so lucky I gave you a second chance just because I don't even know my best friends anymore!" 

"Woah, Jade, what's going on?" interrupted Dave. 

"You heard what I said! I-" she choked up. She froze for a second, realizing everyone was looking at her. She then stood straight up, still holding onto her head, her hair starting to frizz from Bec’s green sparks. "I didn't see you guys for years and suddenly you're like married to the internet trolls we used to hate together. Now you spend all your time with them. That’s not even mentioning what happened to John and I-" She made a small whining noise, gripping onto her hair even tighter. "Everything's different now. You’re all the same but I don’t know any of you anymore. I don't know if it makes any sense but that's just how I feel!” She squeezed her eyes shut and stomped her foot. “I didn't even like my old life but I want to go back!!" 

Silence. 

A few glances were shared between people, but there was no sound above a whisper. 

They looked down at the ground. 

Jade whined more, her mouth twisted into a frown, hot tears leaking from her wincing eyes. 

"Yeah, I know what you mean…" said John.

Silence again. 

Jade took a look at John through her foggy glasses. John clenched his jaw. He twiddled his mitten covered thumbs. 

"But-uh...uhh…" He blushed, looking at each of his friends, and then, for only a moment, at Dirk. "It's easy to cling to the past, since it's something you know but- it's good that we've changed, isn't it? We couldn't be the same people forever.” Jade sniffled and gave him a single nod. “And while we may not know each other anymore we...we still have time. To meet each other again and again. Meet new people and learn more about ourselves and change into totally new people we would have never recognized. So yeah, maybe we don't really know each other anymore. But we still have time. And we'll keep on changing, and fucking up, and growing and changing." John blushed again. "C'mon guys, you're going to make me do this corny speech alone?" 

Jade chuckled and wiped her cheek. Dave spoke up, "Yeah, I think I get what you guys mean. Wouldn’t exactly enjoy a blast from the past but it feels like we missed out on some good childhood bonding. I didn't know you were feeling that way Jade, but I kind of knew John was feeling out of the loop." 

They looked to Rose, who was still clinging onto her new snowglobe. "What? I already had my chance for childhood regret so I do not plan on delving into it again.” She quickly added, "Though there is a chance I may still be forlorn over our past interactions." 

Jade sniffled. “It’s good to know you guys agree,” She sniffled again, letting a couple of tears fall down her cheeks. "It wouldn’t be good if nothing changed, I don’t think. It’d probably be worse. Still…I kind of miss how things were between us…" 

She gently fell to the floor on her knees, shivering and sobbing into her hands. John walked over and took her hand, then pulled her up into a warm hug. Dave and Rose also stood up and walked over, awkwardly wrapping their arms around John and Jade before John pulled them all into one big hug. They all started to tear up, even Rose and Dave. For a moment, time was still around the four kids, distant memories of how things were returning in the form of a single embrace. Jade and John smiled more than they had ever before. 

Meanwhile, everyone else decided the four needed to be left alone for the moment. Jake got up to get some snacks. Dirk could see Jane, Roxy, and Calliope talk among themselves. Kanaya and Karkat were holding each other while Karkat sobbed uncontrollably and Kanaya, with a slightly condescending look, patted his back. 

Dirk decided this would be the best chance to open the gift box that was still waiting for him. He untied the ribbon and left it to the side. He slowly peeled off the tape keeping the wrapping paper down and unfolded it without tearing it even once. Underneath it was a plain cardboard box. He took his time to slip the lid off, treating the box like a precious artifact. On top of the tissue paper was a note folded in half. Written inside was simply two words. I'm Sorry. 

Dirk froze, his fingers shaking, but no longer from the cold. He pinched the tissue paper with the ends of his fingers, slowly lifting it to catch a glimpse of what could be inside. The gift greeted him with a familiar smile. A golden toothed smile. Dirk let go of the tissue paper so that the gift was hidden again, his heart racing faster than Secretariat. Dirk blindly stuffed his hands into the box, still not believing what his vision was saying to him. He lifted it up to his face, squeezing the fabric in his hands, able to feel the stuffing shift underneath. He dared not look at him in the eyes, instead focusing on the backwards hat, the long floppy arms, and the bright red lips. Finally, he looked up and stared deeply into the ocean blue eyes. Some of the stitches were out of place and a bit of stuffing was popping out, revealing the creation to be an amateur recreation, but still...Dirk could feel the presence of a single, only slightly maniacal soul present within the confines of polyester. The soul of a friend he had lost long ago. The true soul of Lil' Cal. 

He immediately swaddled Lil’ Cal, holding him up to his chest and squeezing him tightly. He looked around, making sure no one had seen him open the gift. Dirk shivered again, noticing Jane still hadn't gotten someone to bring in the firewood. Dirk tied Lil' Cal's arms around his neck and let him hang on like a monkey. Dirk took one last look around and then headed to the door that led outside.

He was met with a 20-degree drop. He was sure he was nearly as blue as Jake’s alien catgirls or Lil’ Cal’s eyes the second he stepped outside. The wind gently swept up the snow but threw cold needles directly into Dirk’s face. His sneakers crunched and sank as he walked towards the pile of wood buried under a blanket of snow. Dirk knocked over the snow, unaware that extreme cold can feel like a third-degree burn in the right circumstances. He rubbed on his hand until there was enough heat to keep the snow from sticking to him permanently. Dirk picked up the axe and started hacking away at one of the larger pieces. All of his heat was flowing out of his fingers faster than could be replaced. He could hardly bend them. It was as if all the cartilage in his fingers had turned into hard rubber meant to chafe his bones. Dirk sighed to himself, watching the wind abduct the steam of his warm breath. He took a second to rub his chilled nose. There was a crunching behind him, but Dirk kept his focus on the wood. He could become the next Lincoln with the work he was doing to these fucking logs, even if he did catch pneumonia after. 

“Hey.” The wind dragged away the words before they could reach Dirk’s ear, so he was only able to hear their faint echo. “Hey! You’re going to become that creepy snowman from the soup commercials soon!” 

Dirk stumbled over, not helping disprove the person’s point. He picked up another log anyway. “Maybe this death will be just from how stupid it is,” he mumbled to himself. He let out a warm breath and raised the axe again. 

The wind stopped. Dirk still shivered but had enough warmth to stop himself from collapsing. He looked up and realized he was surrounded by swirling gusts of snow. They wrapped him in a sphere, a warm bubble of protection against the frozen gales that encircled him like a reverse snowglobe. Dirk looked behind him. 

There stood John, wearing a puffy blue jacket and snow boots. His cheeks were pink and his hair sprinkled with snowflakes. 

Dirk stood straight up, letting the axe fall to the ground. “I don’t need help,” said Dirk, although he was grateful to have the wind cease. 

“I know, I know. It’s pretty chilly though.” John crossed his arms over his chest and shivered to emphasize the point. "You should borrow my jacket, it's freezing out here." John unzipped his jacket, revealing another sweater with a Snowman on it underneath. 

“I’m not cold,” said Dirk. 

“Oh, well, he might be though,” John pointed to Lil’ Cal. John gently grabbed Lil’Cal and twisted him to check one of the stitches, a look of concern flashing across his face when he noticed the stitch was coming undone. It was a look that only a father could give their child or one a puppeteer could give to their handicraft. 

"You're the one who made me Lil' Cal," he said, caught up in the revelation. As if he were revealing anything more than obvious. 

John smiled and took off his mittens for a second. His hands were covered in bandaids. "Yeah, I even bled a little for it too. Does that make it more authentic?"

Dirk's heart was fluttering. "A little, yeah." 

John held out the jacket for Dirk. Dirk finally obliged, grateful to be blanketed in John’s leftover warmth, even if the jacket was twice his size. He made sure Lil’ Cal was nice and snug in there. He took a step towards John and stumbled, his joints creaking from the cold. John managed to catch him and let Dirk lean on him as they watched the snow fall and swirl around them. 

"I'm sorry, John. How I acted last time-" 

"Hey, shh, shh, you didn't do anything. You were right. I was lying to myself." He took a deep breath, his rosy cheeks even pinker. "It wasn't fair to you." 

Dirk looked away. He moved even closer, his and John's hands brushing together. Neither was sure who wrapped their hand around the other's first, but the sudden movement warmed both their hearts at the same time. They immediately looked to each other, and then away again. 

"Roxy said I made you realize some things." 

John nodded, grinning wide. "Yeah, I'm going to quit cold turkey if I can." 

Dirk felt like he had suddenly skipped a step while scaling a staircase. “What?” 

“Yeah! I’m done with the devil’s lettuce and I’m pranking myself with non-alcoholic beer until I realize it tastes like shit.” 

The last constricts of guilt around Dirk’s heart let go. He breathed quickly, his chest suddenly light as a feather. “What made you decide that?” 

John shrugged, smiling and glancing at him periodically. 

"I’ll help you,” said Dirk. 

"Oh, you don't have to do that if you don't want-" 

"No, I want to. We're friends, aren't we? Despite all the bullshit, I put you through?" 

John rubbed his nose to keep it from freezing while thinking over what to say. "Yes, we're definitely friends." 

A pause. 

"What you and Jade said, earlier. It helped me realize something. Feels kind of fucking obvious now.” 

John let them bask in silence for a minute before breaking it, “Well? You left me hanging.” 

Dirk let out a heavy breath. “I shouldn't be with Jake." 

John hesitated. He swallowed his spit and fiddled with the collar of his sweater. "Really?"

"Not that we've really been together at all. He's not the romantic type."

John smiled. "Do you like the romantic type?" 

"I mean, not like Karkat but...I don't think it's much to ask for him to remember we're on a date every once in a while." 

John shuffled closer, enough that Dirk could feel his body heat on his side.  
"You helped me realize stuff too." 

"Yeah, Roxy mentioned something about that. I assume about the alcohol or whatever. Living in your past, all that shit I can't believe I helped you realize considering I'm not any better myself-" 

"I'm gay." 

Dirk's heart stopped. Even in freezing temperatures, his hand started to sweat. "You're what?" 

"I'm a homosexual. You know...A fruit, a fairy, a fa-" He chuckled and looked to the ground. "You get the idea." 

"You're serious. You're not...pranking me again?" Dirk asked, an unusual upturn in his voice. 

John shook his head. 

"Well. I could have told you that." 

John chuckled again, "I know, I know. I wasn't hiding it around you I guess. I just couldn’t accept it. But I realized, you know, maybe my dad would still be proud of me, even if I am gay. And I don’t need Mary Jane to make me feel okay with it." 

They took a few minutes of silence to appreciate the haunting melody of the wind. 

John lifted his pointer finger to conduct the wind and bells around them. He lowered each of his other fingers, small cyclones wrapping themselves around each of them. Dirk was sure he could see the piano keys hidden within the gales. The chilling refrain was transformed into a familiar Christmas tune, but not one Dirk was able to place without lyrics. 

After taking a second to appreciate John’s music, Dirk spoke. "I don't know how I'm going to one-up you for your Christmas gift.”

John laughed. "Don't worry. There's only one thing I want for Christmas." 

The tune kept on playing alongside John's words. Dirk waited for him to say, but John’s mouth was shut, his head bobbing to the music. Dirk's subconscious caught onto the lyrics as he found himself mouthing the words. 

Dirk naturally laughed, unable to give any other reaction. For once, his lips were raised in an actual smile. His breathing quickened his heart catching up to the beat of Mariah Carey’s holiday hit. God. He fixed his stupid fucking eyebrow again. "What? Did Karkat plan this?" 

"Only a little." John closed the space between them. He shoved his hand in the pocket of the jacket Dirk was wearing and using his other hand to take off Dirk's sunglasses. "I took this idea from him though." He took out a small bit of mistletoe and raised it above their heads. He awkwardly chuckled and blushed shyly, but Dirk's lips were already halfway towards John's. John leaned down, the remaining warmth of their lips colliding and melting into one another. John wrapped his arms around Dirk, and Dirk’s hands were combing through John’s snow speckled hair. John's gentle winds grew into a cyclone, coiling around them and flurrying up to the sky. Dirk dared to push his side of the kiss even harder. John opened his mouth slightly, catching Dirk by surprise. John chuckled and snorted, fluttering his eyelashes and holding Dirk’s cheek gently in his palm. John bit on his lip, both of their cheeks pink with embarrassment, before leaning in for another kiss. He dragged Dirk’s bottom lip through his teeth and pressed their lips together. The cyclone became a blizzard. It picked the snow off the ground and caressed them with snowflakes, the gusts playing with their hair. 

Finally, the wind quieted down and the snowflakes could fall back onto the ground. They pulled away from each other, allowing the wind to quiet down and the snow to fall gently back to the ground. 

"We should bring the firewood in."

"Yeah, good idea." John cleared his throat, still flustered from the kiss. Dirk picked up some firewood and nonchalantly walked back inside, hearing John not far behind him. 

"You two took a while," said Jane. Dirk walked to the fireplace and dumped the wood in. John followed with even more and worked on stacking it. Everyone but Jake was sitting around playing a game of Pictionary. Dirk walked back to Jane. 

"John and I were making...up." 

"Oh, good!" 

"Yeah, we're chill again. Uh, is Jake in the loo? I need to tell him something." 

"Oh! Um. He left, actually." 

"Really?" 

Dirk glanced at his phone. GolgothasTerror pestered you. He opened it. 

GT: First off: ***yes i know*** i am a blockheaded moron.  
GT: I should have waited to tell you this, but...i need time to reconsider a few things. i can't friggin believe i ruined the party and i am not entirely sure why  
GT: I am starting to think i need to figure out where things went wrong with jade before we continue this relationship. maybe you deserve someone smarter than me anyway  
GT: So just give me some space for now  
GT: I am breaking up with you. i am not entirely sure if i made that clear  
GT: Goodbye, strider 

Dirk put his phone away but quickly pulled it back out to send a few last words. 

TT: Hope you figure it out, dude.  
TT: See you, English. 

He put it away and sat on the ground to crash the game of Pictionary. Soon enough, John sat next to him. The others, seeing John and Dirk were no longer at odds, smiled in relief. The rest of the night was a blur of board games, random discussions about furries, baking, troll culture, and movie debates. All Dirk could remember was how close he and John were the whole night. In front of the whole family no less. His hand was on top of his, they kept on leaning on each other, and he could tell John was barely stopping himself from kissing Dirk again. 

Late into the night, the partygoers filtered out. John and Dirk stood by the door, ready to leave. Jade walked up to John and jumped into his arms. "Thank you." Oh. Family bonding moment. Dirk turned away when Roxy suddenly glomped him. 

"Hey, don’t forget to give this back,” she said, taking back her scarf, “So happy to see you again you dork!! Let's hang out soon!" She gave him a final punch on the shoulder. 

Calliope waved. 

“Bye, Calliope,” said Dirk in his most polite voice possible, which wasn’t very much. Calliope smiled and waved harder. “Thanks for...the gift?” She waved even harder again. He gave her a nod. She and Roxy walked away, with Roxy blowing him a goodbye kiss before they got out the door. 

When Dirk turned back, Jade and John let go of each other, Jade wiping another tear from her eye. Just as Jade was about to teleport herself home, Dirk spoke up. "Your grandpa is trying to figure out where he went wrong between you two. You might need to knock it into him."

Jade chuckled. "Yeah, I figured. See you two later." She waved and teleported away. 

Dirk went to find Jane and give her a goodbye hug but ended up getting convinced to carry a bag of leftover cookies home with him. He walked back to the door, John waiting for him. 

John cleared his throat. "So, you want to go home with me? We could watch some movies, or the snow, uhh, maybe even cuddle under some blankets or have chestnuts roasting on an open fire, you know, the usual?” He shrugged, blushing slightly. 

Dirk, who knew his apartment was freezing anyway, nodded. "I’m down. Only if we watch Eight Crazy Nights, Home Alone 1 and 2, Jingle All the Way, and the Santa Clause movies all in one sitting though. I’m sure each of those are your favorite Christmas movie.”

John chuckled, “I actually don’t really like the Santa Clause movies, I always thought the part where they kill Santa was weird. But I guess we can if you really want.” He reached over and held onto the cold ends of Dirk’s fingers. The glow of John's retcons powers enveloping their arms and before they knew it, they stood together under the doorway of John's home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this is the end, but there's a high possibility of an nsfw epilogue if this fanfic gets enough interaction. Wink emoji.


	12. Epilogue Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> valentine's day update! <3 this half is just a bunch of fluff  
> second half should be smut and posted in the next couple weeks

Rain tapped the roof of John's home, clattering down the gutters and pouring out into mud puddles. There wasn't much to see besides the charcoal sky and the reviving lawn, a whole new fresh pasture that had been hidden under the mounds of snow for most of winter. John smiled to himself while he stared out the window, watching the drops race each other down the glass. 

"John."

John turned back to Dirk, who was half lying, half sitting on the sofa with a controller in his hands. Although Dirk was playing Demon Souls, he showed no frustration on his face, instead giving the television a bored stare. 

"Yeah?" 

Dirk continued to stare at the TV, his fingers making the natural motions to dodge an attack without any thought put into it. He pet Lil' Cal, who was hanging out next to him. John walked over and laid behind him and snuck his arms around Dirk's torso. Although Dirk made no positive signals, he made no negative ones either. John took it as a sign to squeeze him tighter and rested his head on Dirk's shoulder, then gave him a kiss on the cheek. The controller slipped out of Dirk's hands and fell with a thunk. Although Dirk had felt himself metaphorically die already, the game casually reminded him with a "You Died" screen. He sighed, cleared his throat, and picked up the controller to pause the game. 

"I've been meaning to ask you...um…” He glanced over, nervously pushing buttons and rolling the joysticks of the controller around. “You have any plans...for...you know?" He made a vague gesture. "That holiday. The one where people celebrated a Saint's death and made up some bullshit about romance so that companies could sell roses and heart shaped cards."

"Oh! You mean Valentine's Day?"

"Yeah. Do you have plans for it? With your friends...or...?" 

"Nope."

"Do you...want to make plans for it?" 

John blushed. "I don't know, it's kinda overrated." He said, nervously giggling. 

Dirk took a second to gather his thoughts. "Yeah, I agree." Dirk picked up the controller again to unpause the game, but while he was fighting an undead knight, he spoke up again, "I was just wondering if you wanted to try…" He rolled his eyes under his glasses, trying to work through his face warming up and his heart racing. He composed himself and spoke with a tinge of irony in order to remain calm, "if you wanted to try fucking. Some real kinky sex. I'll bring the rope and a gag and you bring the dick and the lube. I won't cum if we don't go all out the first time. And you better make me cum all over those ghost bedsheets."  
Dirk had managed to make John's cheeks flush. John's voice cracked when he responded, "Does it have to be ponyplay?" 

Dirk's offended expression was all that John was asking for as he went into a tirade of giggles. He tackled Dirk and peppered his neck with kisses, causing Dirk's slippery hands to miss the correct intricate button and joystick combinations. He ended up having to spend one more healing potion than he had planned on, which was enough to make Dirk pause the game and gently try to push John's face away.

"What are you doing? I'm busy here," Dirk said with a faint blush. 

"Well, you don't look all that busy to me," chuckled John, close to Dirk's ear, sending ASMR tingles down his spine. John nibbled Dirk's ear and kissed all the way up to Dirk's mouth. He took his glasses off and rolled on top of him, kissing Dirk on the lips with a hum. John glanced over at Lil’ Cal and turned his head around so he couldn’t see what was happening. John’s hand gripped Dirk's hair and the other grazed Dirk's cheek with its knuckles. John kissed deeper and the two moaned to themselves, a rush of excitement pounding through their bodies. Dirk wrapped his arms and legs around John and could feel John's hard dick rubbing against his crotch. He was tempted to slip his hand under there so he could finally get to know its size and know what dildo to use for himself later but stopped his urge. 

Before John could slip his tongue into Dirk's mouth, Dirk spoke up, "So is this a yes on the Valentine's Day shit?" His voice had an upturn for once and the slight curve on his lips confirmed that Dirk had to stop himself from smiling. 

John pushed himself off of Dirk and put his glasses back on. He blinked a couple of times, appearing to mull it over, continuing to hover over Dirk. "I mean I've never-"

"You're a virgin?"

John's voice got caught in his throat. "I didn't exactly have any time not to be! You'll have to show me the ropes of gay kinky sex, I guess." 

Dirk shrugged. "How homo are you willing to go? You ever stick anything up your ass before?"

John's voice wavered, "Maybe once or twice…"

Dirk scoffed, "What were you expecting? Rose to peg you? Don't answer that I don't need to know."

"What?! No. I did that...um...not that long ago."

"You mean yesterday or last week?"  
"Let's see. Hm." John started counting on his fingers and scratched his chin. "When did I meet you?" 

A wash of embarrassment went across Dirk's face and made a lump in his throat. He sat up on the armrest and turned back to the TV. "Don't stress over it too much, John. I'll figure it out. Let the night take us as far or as little as we want. I don't even mind if we don't kiss. It's a dumb as fuck commercial holiday anyway. Personally, I'm a little fucking over the heart theme."

"Oh yeah." John chuckled, remembering Dirk's godtier. "Hey, Dirk, do you know what you are?" 

"God, fuck, don't say it again-"

"You're the prince of MY heart."

Dirk dramatically clutched his chest although his expression remained the same. "Fuck. I think your sappy bullshit gave me cardiac arrest. If you do it anymore I'll have to slit my throat from the pain."

John giggled and covered his face after snorting a couple of times. God, it was good to see the guy happy again. Even if Dirk had to endure John's effeminate sentimentality. 

"Okay, but seriously I gotta get back in the game on this speedrun." 

"Can't you just play Mario?"

"I already did. You don’t even need to name one. Beat the speedruns for every Mario game ever made, even the Lost Levels, and collected all the items. You really think I struggled with those games made for infants?"

"I don't know they're kinda hard. I think I saw you ragequit on a Bowser battle once."

"I'd never do that."

"But I saw you do it."

"Must have been a splinter." 

"What?"

"Nevermind."

John gave him a kiss on the cheek, then got off the couch. "I'm going to order a pizza and do the dishes, I think. And before you say it, I'm not going to order Hawaiian."

"Why the fuck not?"

"I'm just not a big fan of fruit on pizza."

"Tomato is a fruit." 

"I'll order it with strawberries and bananas then."

"Yeah, sounds legit. Add some oranges while you're at it."

John rolled his eyes and left the room, chuckling to himself. As soon as he was out of the room, Dirk took out his phone. His last conversation had been with Roxy, and he could still see the end of that conversation. 

TG: lol ur not gonna beat my record dstri ive got 2 hours on your best run lmao  
TG: btw do u and eggie have plans for v-day? me and callie are gonna go apeshit with making cards for each other. i accidentally saw hers and its dope as fuck   
TT: Not any that I know of.   
TG: have u and john even kissed lol   
TT: We've gone farther than Jake and I ever did, so I consider that a successful relationship. I haven't even gotten tired of his taste in movies.  
TT: Turns out it's a hell of a lot easier to tolerate shit movie taste when the person doesn't decide to jack off to Weekend at Bernie's instead of acknowledging your presence.   
TG: lol  
TG: wait wait wait does this mean that u and john...well… ;)   
TT: No, it does not.   
TG: wait so  
TG: how far did u and jakey get   
TT: I feel it's fairly obvious.   
TG: no its not! tell me   
TT: Well, both times we were together we barely spent any time with each other and whenever we did he seemed to believe I was infected with a deadly disease because he never wanted to be near me. So, no, Roxy. We didn't get far.   
TG: awww poor dirky :( no wnder ur like this u need to gt laid   
TT: no wnder ur like this? You seem to be implying it affects my personality.   
TG: u shld do somethin 4 v-day itll b fun   
TT: I'm not the romantic type.   
TG: pshhh dont be silly   
just talk to john about it   
That was where Dirk had left off before his conversation with John. He started up the messages again.  
TT: John interrupted my game, so if I don't beat your record it's entirely his fault.   
TG: ok lol ill keep it in mind  
TG: how did he distract you was he bein sexy ;)   
TT: He was just trying to put his arms around me.   
TG: sounds preddy sexy  
TG: with his big ol’ sexy bear arms  
TG: omg hes gay now hes an actual bear lmao omg  
TG: wat did he say about valentine's day?   
TT: Seems he didn't have much planned for it either.   
TG: really?? that big ol sap? u sure???   
TT: I'm fairly positive that he completely forgot about it.   
TG: okay well that means ur gonna have to bring in the big guns baby  
TG: not that u dont already have some ;)  
TG: its ur first vday with an actual boyfriend u gotta do somethin   
TT: We lived on an apocalyptic planet for 15 years. I did not have any idea of what Valentine's Day was besides the historical context and cultural impact it had on Americans to watch shit movies with terribly filmed sex scenes.  
TT: So in my eyes, I have not missed out on anything.   
TG: ok cmon dummy stop trying to pretend ur not horny for your boyfriend and wanna fuck   
TT: I'm simply stating the facts.   
TG: well ill spit em right back 2 u then  
TG: if ur romantic and sappy itll set the mood  
TG: you know make you all touchy feely and then suddenly ull be fucking on the eiffel tower simple as that  
TT: There is no Eiffel Tower to fuck on.  
TG: just sayingggg if u wanna be a mushy gushy sweetie u could try asking karkles for some ideas   
TT: Karkles?   
TG: yeah, kitkat. the angry one. hes so adorable isnt he? :3 daves widdle boyfriend   
TT: I do not think I need to let you know that this plan would go to shit immediately. Our personalities are if water and oil were personified, except if the water was a stupidly fucking loud and obnoxious ocean, while the oil had a sword he was willing to use at any time to end it for everybody. Do you understand?   
TG: tell me how it goes ^3^ 

-timaeusTestified began pestering carcinoGeneticist-   
TT: Sup.   
CG: WHY IN THE FUCKING SHIT HOLE ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? IS YOUR DIPSHIT MAGGOT BRAIN TOO FUCKING ROTTEN TO REALIZE ID BE FUCKING BUSY RIGHT NOW?   
TT: I expected this reaction.   
TT: I'll allow Roxy to know that I told her so.   
CG: I DONT HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR YOU, MY LEAST FAVORITE BROTHER IN LAW.   
TT: You two are married?   
CG: NO?? THE FUCK?? LIKE ROSE AND KANAYA? DAVE JUST GAVE ME SOME RING AND TOLD ME TO START CALLING SPECIFIC PEOPLE "BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN LAW" BECAUSE I GUESS THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU STUPID HUMANS.   
TT: Oh. Good to know I'm your least favorite then.   
CG: YOU ARE.   
TT: I'll take it as a compliment that I'm worthy enough of hate without even having a full conversation with you.   
CG: GOG YOURE DISGUSTING. I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU IN A BLACKROM WAY YOU MORON.  
CG: IM 99% PERCENT SURE HUMANS WOULD CONSIDER THAT THREE WAY RELATIONSHIP FUCKED UP.   
TT: I'm not here to express alien hate lust towards you.   
CG: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE THEN.   
TT: Roxy told me to ask you for Valentine's Day ideas.  
TT: So, c'mon, hit me with them like you're a Pinterest moodboard. I'll guzzle down those candy heart thought bubbles of yours like orange Fanta. Give me every trope you know in the book.   
CG: FOR JOHN?  
TT: Unless if I'm seeing anyone else I don't know about, then yes, John.   
CG: UGHHHHHHHH JOHN  
CG: I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH THAT. ALL MY IDEAS FOR HIM WERE BLACKROM NOT REDROM. AND IM NOT GOING TO EVEN TRY TO THINK ABOUT HIM IN A REDROM WAY. BLEGH.   
TT: What were your blackrom ideas then?   
CG: JUST SOME CLASSIC SHIT. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.  
CG: MAYBE SEND HIM SOME HANDWRITTEN NOTES THAT SAY I HATE U, BE MINE YOU ILLITERATE TOE FUNGUS, SUCK MY BULGE YOU ASSHOLE.   
CG: THEN ID TAKE HIM OUT TO A CANDLELIT DINNER WHERE ID YELL AT HIM ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A WRITHING PIECE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT HE IS WHILE HANDING HIM THE SUGAR INSTEAD OF THE SALT.  
CG: THEN MAYBE ID PUBLICALLY HUMILIATE HIM BY EXPRESSING MY HATE FOR HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYONE I KNOW, AND ITD END UP GOING BACK TO THE BEDROOM TO PAIL, AND ID HAVE ROSES EVERYWHERE AND WOULD GET DRESSED IN SOME DEMEANING OUTFIT SO THAT HED HATE ME EVEN MORE AND WOULD MAKE ME FEEL IT.  
CG: BASIC FUCKING SHIT   
TT: I can maybe handle the outfit. Are we talking sexy construction worker or police officer? I've only got access to so many of the captchacodes for the YMCA music video costumes.   
CG: NO DUMB FUCK. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT THE INTRICACIES OF ROMANCE, BLACK OR RED! YOU ALREADY PASS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT ON A SEXY MAID OUTFIT OR SOMETHING.   
TT: What?   
CG: ITS BASIC FUCKING SCIENCE. WHAT KIND OF CONFIDENCE ARE YOU SHOWING BY DRESSING THE SAME AS YOU REGULARLY DO? EITHER DEMEAN YOURSELF OR SHOW YOURE THE MOST CONFIDENT BITCH ON EARTH AND WEAR SOME FUCKING THIGH HIGHS.   
TT: Is this what you make my brother do?   
CG: THAT ISNT THE FUCKING POINT YOU PERVERTED ASSHAT.  
CG: HE DRESSES LIKE "A COWBOY", SINCE YOU BOTHERED TO ASK.   
TT: I'll keep it in my file of everything my brother wears then.   
CG: GOD. STOP BEING SUCH A PERVERT. IVE BEEN TRYING NOT TO THROW UP THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION AND YOU ONLY MAKE IT HARDER.  
CG: I AM JUST SAYING THAT MAYBE, CONSIDERING YOUR PHYSICAL FORM, YOU WOULD LOOK RATHER ATTRACTIVE IN A FEMININE OUTFIT. THE HUMILIATION FACTOR WOULD DEFINITELY BE ENOUGH TO MAKE JOHN PAIL YOU, RED OR NOT.   
TT: Starting to think this is just what you want to see me wear.   
CG: STOP BEING A PUSSY AND KILL YOURSELF THEN, PRINCE I CUT MY HEAD OFF FOR ATTENTION.   
-timaeusTestified ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist-

Dirk jumped when he felt John put his hands on his shoulders. 

"Who were you texting?"

"Roxy. Giving her updates on my Demon Souls playthrough."

"Ohh, okay. The pizza's gonna be here in like forty minutes." John dug his thumbs into Dirk's shoulders and started massaging deep into Dirk's muscly shoulders, rubbing out all the knots. While John was about to kiss Dirk's neck, Dirk turned around. 

"Have you seen any alchemiters around here?"

"Oh, yeah, I have actually. There's one upstairs why do you-"

"Okay be right back," said Dirk, rushing off and planning exactly what he was going to wear on Valentine's Day night.

Dirk never expected the stars to ever align to this moment, other than some part of him buried deep, deep inside his fantasies. He laid on John's bed with his legs crossed in front of him, the black and red stockings hugging his sculpted legs tightly. The pleated skirt with lace ends teasingly showed only a sliver of the white briefs he wore under them. Two straps hooked themselves from the bottom of his top to his skirt, tightly pushing into his pecs and abs and begging to be torn off. His top was barely a top since it only covered the top half of his chest and let his self-surgery scars be seen. After talking to Jane, they weren't as brutal as they used to be and were only faint marks that Dirk had considered too sick to get rid of. His arms were completely covered by black sleeves other than the few rips his biceps had made into the fragile fabric. Yes, he was wearing Ryuko Matoi from Kill la Kill's battle outfit. Except after a few minutes of consideration, he had made the shoulders a bit more normal. Not that he wouldn't be down to fuck in a fully authentic cosplay, but he suspected it would make it a bit harder for John to take their first time seriously. 

He bit on his lip, finding himself mildly enjoying the humiliation he was putting himself through and imagining John embarrassing him even more. A hand went towards his skirt, but he had to remind himself he had to leave it all to John. Who should be there...any minute now. Dirk checked his phone. Yep. John shouldn't have taken that long at whatever store he had gone to.  
After a couple more minutes, Dirk hopped out of the bed. A cold draft picked up his skirt and made his thighs shiver, but he wasn't going to chicken out of this yet. He already put the goddamn anime schoolgirl outfit on, he might as well keep it on. 

He went downstairs to the kitchen. Nope. Still no John. He then noticed a heart-shaped card on the end table next to the couch. Curious, he picked it up and found that there was some writing on it. hi i know you’re tired of the heart stuff but i already made this card so i just wanted to say i <3 you :D 

Dirk felt a fuzzy feeling in his chest. He tried to push it back down and keep his masculine composure, but he couldn't help but feel some warmth on his cheeks and was suddenly drunk off of the euphoria. He was about to stick the card into his pocket before realizing what he was wearing. He decided to hold onto it and went into the kitchen to grab a soda. On opening the fridge, his hand was drawn to yet another heart-shaped note. This one read: Be mine, you hunky anime boy >w<. With a crude drawing of Dirk flexing his sexy abs. 

Dirk was starting to catch onto some pattern here, some sort of feeling of deja vu, but was not entirely sure from what. He took the note and an orange Crush out of the fridge then started searching through the cupboards for a snack. Next to a bag of Doritos, he found yet another note. "Gives you hugs and kisses xoxoxoxo". In response to this cutesy wutesy-ness that was making Dirk feel all sorts of pansy, fruity, fairy feelings, Dirk went to find some cardstock and decided to make his own valentines for when John got back. He wrote, "Drink my piss?" with a pleading emoji on one, "Wuv u so very much xoxoxoxo >_<" on another and a perfect recreation of the Before we start does anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me? meme except with the caption Before We Fuck Do You Want to Admit You Have A Crush on Me? then dispersed them around the house before heading back up to John's room. He smirked to himself. That was some next level irony that even John had to appreciate. 

A while later, the door thrust open. Dirk finished sipping the last of his soda and was covered in chip dust. He tried to lick it all off before John entered the room but was unsuccessful. He also dearly hoped he wasn't going to have to clean his asshole again. 

"Okay John let's-" 

Dirk was taken aback. John was decked out in a green tuxedo (with Slimer on it of course), his hair freshly combed and smelling like an ocean breeze. 

"Woah, Dirk!" said John, almost dropping the bouquet of roses he held in his hand. "You're looking...um...special tonight."

"Ditto," said Dirk, trying to pull his skirt down. 

"I like your notes," said John, a huge grin on his face. He held them all in his hand. "This is really embarrassing but I do have a crush on you." 

Dirk swallowed down the frog in his throat. "I can't believe it."

"Yeah, I know. But it's not as embarrassing as knowing you wuv me so very much-"

"Okay, okay, we don't need to bring up what was in the notes."

"Why? I thought you wanted me to drink your piss. I mean I think it'd be kinda hard but-"

"Oh my god, oh my god, please stop. You're hitting max levels of cringe, dude."

"What? Are you embwassed?" John giggled. They both were trying to ignore the warmth on their faces. Dirk slipped off the bed and almost slipped on the floor because of his smooth stockings. "Okay, seriously though. What are you wearing?"

"We've been dating for this long and I still haven't made you watch Kill La Kill?"

"Oh, that's where it's from. Why are you wearing it? I'm not complaining I'm just-"

"Our plan? To fuck?"

John's eyes widened. "Oh I didn't realize you were going to…" His blush deepened and he bit his lip, "You look cute." He reached out to Dirk and let his fingers caress down from Dirk's pecs to his waistband. 

Dirk pointed at the flowers. "Those for me?"

"No, they're for my other hunky boyfriend. Of course, they're for you." John handed him the flowers and gave him a peck on the cheek. "We're going out to dinner." 

"What?" asked Dirk, dramatically turning so that his skirt would twirl. "I thought you said you didn't have any plans."

"Surprise?" said John with a half-smile and a shrug. 

"I have to change back into something else. I don't even have a fucking suit."  
"We're going to miss our reservation if we don't act soon so, um...maybe you should keep that on."

"Excuse me?" asked Dirk. His legs suddenly turned to jelly as he felt himself be washed over by shameful arousal. 

John wrapped his hands around Dirk and pulled himself closer. "It's sexy. It's kind of ironic, but I think you look really manly in that...schoolgirl uniform." Dirk swallowed his spit, his heart sent aflutter. John was clearly admiring Dirk's figure, rubbing circles into Dirk's side while he held him like they were in a ballroom dance. Their lips were only an inch apart. Dirk could smell the breath mint and aftershave coming off of John and he remembered that his breath must have tasted of orange soda and chips. He closed his mouth self consciously, but it appeared John didn't care since he gave him a long, deep kiss anyway. 

"Okay, okay, we've got to go,” said John as he pulled away. “Everyone's waiting for us," John smirked and looked behind Dirk, then quickly slapped his ass and took Dirk by the hand, dragging him out of the room. Dirk jumped, unfortunately learning that he could blush even more than he was before. 

"John, what the fuck did you just say? Everyone?"

"So," said Dave, cutting his medium-well steak into small bites and drizzling it with steak sauce. "Now you know how we alchemized this place in one day just for you guys. Jade and I are pretty proud, gotta say. Ten out of ten build, fully furnished, great acoustics, 5G wifi, and it's all base game only." Although he had eaten half of the complimentary bread, Dave was still the first to bite into his steak. Dirk was focused on the fake iron chandelier above them, noticing the cow patterns on the side of it. He was disturbed by the sounds of Karkat chomping at his burnt steak and complaining it was overcooked, but otherwise, he had fully dissociated from his body and had entered another realm of understanding. The wooden chair squeaked when he leaned back and he couldn't help but notice all the gaudy cowboy decorations on the walls. There was even a fake horse and saddle near the entrance. Not that the horses weren't improving the experience. He just knew this themed restaurant wasn't exactly as couture as he expected. Not that he should have expected much. 

Although they weren't seated far from the fireplace, Dirk still shivered. He took a deep breath and cut his rare steak, not even struggling to saw through the tender meat. 

John glanced over at him, noticing he was shivering. "Are you cold? You can take my jacket-"

"It's fine," he said, glancing at Dave. Dave made no reaction, but Dirk could feel the judgment emanating from him. 

"So...you took my advice," growled Karkat, his eyes pointed at Dirk. He grinned and jabbed another piece of steak into his mouth. 

Dirk grit his teeth and tsked. 

"So your relationship is going well then?" asked Dave. 

John gave Dirk a half hug. "Yeah, I think we're going pretty steady. Dirk seems kind of embarrassed about it though." 

"You think I'm embarrassed? You know I don’t care what other people think about my sexuality."

"Oh, no, not that. No one’s really homophobic on Earth C anyway. Their gods are pretty gay so that would be weird. I just think you're embarrassed of like holding hands and stuff."

“You’ve got it wrong. I’m not embarrassed. I just assumed you weren’t ready for holding hands or that other girly shit. We could make out right now and I wouldn’t care.” 

"Yeah, Dirk, I totally believe that,” grumbled Karkat, rolling his eyes. “There’s no fucking chance that, I don’t know, you’re the insecure one here-” Dirk sharply kicked Karkat in the shin. "YOU FUCKING-"

Dave held Karkat back. "Don't worry, dude, I get it. Sometimes I still feel weird admitting I love this guy." He wrapped an arm around Karkat and gave him a noogie while Karkat continued to complain. 

Dirk sipped on his cola and felt John tap his shoulder. 

"You've got something," John pointed generally near the corner of Dirk's lips. Dirk wiped off that area, but John continued to shake his head. He leaned closer and put his thumb where he had pointed, then took Dirk by surprise by closing the space between them and giving him a kiss. 

Dirk quickly pulled away as John giggled. Dirk smashed his elbows onto the table so he could cover his blushing face with his hands while John continued to chuckle at him. 

"God, I never expected seeing this shit happen to my Bro. John's worse than Karkat," commented Dave. "But I guess I never expected to see him wear a Kill La Kill cosplay to a steakhouse either."

"What do you mean, I'm worse?" said Karkat. "You're the embarrassing one here." 

"You kept holding my hand at the mall and insisted we go into Tiffany's yesterday."

"Well if you're going to get me a ring you should at least make it worth it. I cannot believe you refused to reenact the scene." 

"I alchemized a ring for you. You’re wearing it right now."

"It's not the same."

John interrupted, "A ring?" He gasped, "Are you two-"

"No, dumbass. We're not women. We're not having a fucking human wedding ceremony. Shouldn't you know that?" said Karkat. 

John raised an eyebrow as Dave made a motion to tell John to shut up immediately. John continued to butt in anyway, "Karkat, what are you saying? Guys can get married."

"No, they can't. Dave told me that the reason your species never shows two men marrying in movies is because there needs to be a bride. So, obviously, you can have two brides, like Rose and Kanaya, or a bride and a groom, but you can't have two grooms. You can't fucking mess with me, John, I already know how it works."

John, looking between the two and deciding whether to keep up the act or not. Dirk spoke up instead, "That's bullshit." 

"Are you saying that Dave and I could have gotten married this whole time?" 

Dirk nodded his head while Dave shook his. Karkat turned to him, looking like a cat whose scruff was spiked up. 

"IS HE SAYING WE COULD HAVE HAD A FAT GREEK WEDDING THIS WHOLE TIME?"

"Oh my god, Karkat no, he's lying. We're dudes. We cannot-please. I can't handle seeing you in a wedding dress, I'd cry. From humiliation, I mean! Not emotional shit, to be fucking clear. You'd have to put onions under my eyes to make me cry at my own wedding from anything other than total cringe at the lack of irony in all that stupid fancy frilly froo froo.” Karkat took out his phone and started typing, his keyboard at full volume so that everyone in the restaurant could hear every click. “Oh fuck no. He's looking up caterers." 

While Karkat and Dave devolved into madness, John got up and set down some boondollars to pay for Dirk and his half of the meal. "See you two lovebirds later. Dirk and I have plans." 

Dirk followed behind John and grabbed his hand. "Woah," whispered John, his heartwarming at Dirk's cold touch. Dirk stayed close to John, holding onto him for warmth when they stepped out into the winter night. 

He sighed, "Guess I should apologize for thinking you wanted to take things slow."

"What? No, you don't need to apologize."

"Oh. I won't then."

A few moments passed by before Dirk realized he had said the wrong thing. "Sorry. I had assumed you weren't ready to be intimate in public. Jake wasn't ready to be intimate in public or private, so this shit's new to me. I know, I'm a fucking idiot asshole. Maybe I should run into this street and get run over by one of those Alternian bug cars. I’m curious how those fucking work." 

"Aw." John squeezed Dirk's hand and smiled. "It's okay, Dirk. I'm just a big, fuzzy, snuggle bunny and you're going to have to deal with it." He did a paw motion and tackled Dirk's shoulders with a hug. "Besides, you're really cute when you're embarrassed."

"God, stop."

"But you are!" He nuzzled his cheek against his. "You’re just embarrassed because you don’t want me to break your cool guy act, aren’t you?” 

“I’d like to believe I’m not that shallow.” 

“Okay...but are you?” 

Dirk looked away from him, thinking it over, while John tapped Dirk’s cold nose. Dirk scrunched up his nose and sighed, “Okay, maybe I am.” 

“Sooooo, does someone want to admit they have a crush on me?” 

Dirk breathed in and out a couple of times, working himself up in order to mumble out, “I might have a slight crush on you.” John giggled and moved a strand of crunchy hair away from Dirk’s glasses and behind his ear. Dirk smiled slightly. He shivered and remembered he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a slutty schoolgirl outfit. “Yeah, baby. Take me to the bedroom and give me all the love you’ve got,” he said, his teeth chattering. 

Dirk could feel John's warm cheek pressed against his as he whispered into his ear, "That reminds me...I have another surprise at home." The glow of John's wind powers enveloped them and before they could blink, they were standing on the first floor of John's home.


End file.
